....But I still can't say it after all we've been through

Toni tried to push me into going back to Drew’s, but I refused, and to my surprise, she relented pretty easily. I knew I would have to face him, and Toni was right, it was time to put up or shut up. I had a habit of ducking out when things got rough, and honestly that’s probably what cost me Jason.
Jason.
His name popping into my head made me heart ache a little. I wondered where he was right now. If he had settled back into his life with Kayla. I desperately wanted to talk to him. Jason had a way of taking the tangled, jumbled mess of thoughts in my head and straightening them all out. I wanted to talk to him about Drew, to help me fix this. I even went so far as to reach for the phone a couple of times, but I knew it would just add to the mess.
Though, even without him being here, it added to the mess. This is what happened with Jason. We fell in love, and we gave into that, and look where we were now. I didn’t have him anymore. Is that what would happen with Drew too?
However, on the flip side of that, maybe Jason and I would have worked if I would have fought for him instead of walking away. But, if that was the case, did that mean Jason was ‘the one’ and now I had missed out on that?
My thoughts WERE jumbled, and I started off on one train, and end up jumping track and heading in a different direction. Eventually I realized I was just going back and forth, and that I wasn’t getting any answers, all I was doing was giving myself a HUGE headache. I tried to force myself to turn off my thoughts and go to bed, but it wasn’t working. My head was filled with Drew and Jason, and my stomach burned from all the panic I kept swallowing. I kept glancing at the clock and thinking “8 hours until I have to see him and I have no idea what to do…. 7 hours until I see him and I have no idea what to do… 6 hours…”
That’s when I heard Izzy start to stir. She was just whimpering, but I knew her routine from Toni. She’d whimper for a few moments, and if you didn’t go get her, she’d let out an extremely loud cry. Toni had complained about it because they usually never heard her before the cry, but the cry was so loud, it would often wake Kyle up, and then Nick and Toni both had to get up to try to get two kids back to sleep.
Rather than going to wake Nick or Toni up, I slipped into Izzy’s room. I scooped her up, sat in the plush rocking chair, and she nuzzled down into my arms. I reached for the bottle that was left on the side table, and popped it into her mouth. She sucked happily, not bothering once to open her eyes.
The thing about babies is, you can’t hold one and think of anything else. The second Izzy settled into my arms, Drew and Jason left my thoughts. All I could think about is how good holding a baby felt, how perfect her tiny features were. How trusting she must be, to stay asleep while someone scooped her up and stuck something into her mouth. I started rocking back and forth, finally calm on the inside.

I must have fallen asleep in Izzy’s room, because I woke to Toni easing her out of my arms.
“What time is it?” I mumbled.
“Eight. Izzy woke up last night?”
“Yeah. She didn’t cry, just started fussing, but I was awake anyway so…”
Toni nodded, setting Izzy on the changing table to change her diaper.
“You coming to breakfast with us?” I asked nervously.
“Ella I really think you need to do this on your own.” Toni answered, using one hand to hold Izzy down while she reached for a fresh diaper.
“Drew loves the kids though, and it’ll seem so weird and forced if you guys don’t show. Just. Breakfast. And then you guys can make an excuse about seeing Nick’s Mom or something and leave.” I was begging. I knew I sounded pathetic. I couldn’t help it, I just needed some more time.
“Ella, no.” Toni answered firmly. “I know you, you’ll come up with an excuse for us to stay longer and you’ll put this whole thing off, and you’ll end up running away, again, like you always do.”
“Just breakfast, I swear.”
“I already called Drew and told him we were busy. He’s picking you up by nine, so you better go get ready.” Toni replied, picking up Izzy.
“Why are you trying to push me on Drew?” I snapped. I knew I was just angry because she wasn’t coming with me, and I knew that wasn’t very grown up of me.
“I’m not trying to push you on Drew. I’m trying to make you act like a grown woman who faces her problems and makes decisions.”
The thing I loved about Toni is most of the time she ignored my temper tantrums, and didn’t engage in them. She said what she had to say very calmly, and then she left the room with Izzy. I pouted in the rocker for a moment, and then decided that like it or not, I had to have breakfast with Drew. And I definitely needed a shower before that happened. I luckily had left a stash of clothes over here from the last time I crashed at Nick and Toni’s, so I wouldn’t have to do the walk of shame wearing a Jessica Rabbit costume and without the satisfaction of actually getting laid.
It was hard to get ready. Part of me wanted to make sure I looked really good. Part of me wanted me to tone it down. Eventually I just decided on a middle ground. I dried my hair, but I didn’t bother with makeup.
Drew was a few minutes early, and I spent that time sitting in the guest room, pretending like I was still getting ready, when I was pep-talking myself the entire time. I had to pretty much force myself out of the room and down the stairs.
“So. Where do you want to go?” Drew asked, walking to his truck.
“Pancakes.” I said. “I want pancakes.”
“So. Mom and Pop’s?”
“Sounds good to me.

Mom and Pop’s had another name, but nobody really ever cared to find out what it was. The place was a Mom and Pop shop, so everyone just called it Mom and Pop’s. The place was run by an ancient woman who still did all her cooking from scratch. It was a tiny place, and usually pretty crowded, but Drew and I always managed to snag a seat at the bar.
This time though, Drew put us on the wait list for an actual table.
“What’s up with that?” I asked, as we walked outside where it was less crowded to wait for our name to be called.
“I’m not all that hungry yet. Plus, I dunno. I think maybe we should talk?” He wasn’t looking at me.
“About?” I asked, starting to squirm.
“Last night?” He offered.
“Drew…”
“Ella, I kissed you because I was drunk, and I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to get all weird between us. I know you’re having Jason issues right now, and I know that was probably the worst time ever to be so careless and stupid. It was the alcohol. It won’t happen again.”
My heart sank. So it was because he was drunk? I didn’t want to ask this next question, but I knew if I didn’t, I’d be left wondering, possibly for the rest of my life.
“Drew. Is the alcohol the ONLY reason you kissed me?”
He looked nervous, and I couldn’t tell if he was nervous because it wasn’t the only reason, or because he could tell that I hoped it wasn’t the only reason.