All I really wanna do is love you a kind much closer than friends use

Drew opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the hostess calling our names to be seated. I couldn’t read his face as we walked in, it seemed to be a mix of emotions. Annoyance, doubt, relief? Or was I just reading too much into all of this?

We sat down, Drew picking up his menu and studying it. I followed suit, not sure if I should try to bring up the conversation again, or if I should just wait and see if he brought it up, or drop it all together. The waitress came over to take our drink orders. I kept scrambling, trying to figure out what to say to him, how to bring the topic back up. I wanted answers, but I didn’t know how to get them, other than just blurt them out, and I didn’t want to handle things like that. I wanted to be in control, but realized how badly I was failing at that.

Breakfast was… Awkward. It was full of long pauses, of one of us opening our mouths to say something, only to decide better of it. We basically sat there and listened to conversations around us and watched each other chew. He asked about my job, I asked again about his parents. Safe topics that he and I had already covered earlier in the week. We both ate quickly, and I waited outside while he stood in line to pay the check.

Standing outside by myself, I suddenly got very sad. The whole reason I hadn’t wanted to admit my feelings to Drew was because I didn’t want anything to change, I didn’t want to lose him. That breakfast proved that everything had already changed.
Drew walked out, and took a look around.

“It’s a really nice day. You want to take a walk over to the park?”

I nodded, too lost in my own thoughts to actually speak. We started walking, and the silence came back.

Maybe I would go home, get some space from Drew, and everything would go back the way it was. Maybe it was just an awkward situation that with time, we would get over. But if that was the case, if I admitted my feelings to him, and that was awkward, wouldn’t we get over it too? And at least then I would know for sure that I had tried. And if we couldn’t get over this awkward situation, then what else did I have to lose? I would have already lost him, so I might as well take a chance, right?
I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Jason popped into my head. I felt a shiver run through me, even though, for a fall day, it was pretty warm outside. My heart ached a little. I missed Jason. I missed him so badly, and while I didn’t want to go that route with Drew… I couldn’t help but think maybe, had I just confessed to Jason on how I felt… Maybe he’d still be around. Maybe he would have married me, or maybe we would have seriously given a relationship a try, realized it didn’t work, and gone back to being friends. Maybe we’d still be where we were at now, at a dead end road, with no options other than to just walk away. But, at least I would know. At least I wouldn’t be sitting around for the rest of my life, wondering, questioning, and agonizing over all the “might have beens” and “could have beens” and “if onlys”.

We had stopped by the pond, standing on a small bridge. Drew was pressed up against it, looking down into the water, and I was just standing there, thinking. Decided, finally, that thinking had gotten me pretty much nowhere, I decided all I could do was act.

I didn’t realize that I had been starring at him, but he must have felt my eyes on him, because he turned to look at me. I took a deep breath and kissed him.
A sense of déjà vu came over me, kissing Drew by a fountain, all the same feelings overcoming me all over again. And I realized, even if this ended badly, I had to do it.

I couldn’t read Drew. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reach for me either. He still stood with his arms over the top of the bridge, leaning against it, his face turned towards me and his lips against mine. Unlike last night, I wasn’t afraid to pull away. I needed to see his reaction.

While I believed in soul mates, and think everyone has a perfect match, I also thought that your soul mate didn’t have to be in a romantic sense. I had met mothers and daughters who were soul mates, sisters who were soul mates, best friends who were soul mates. As I’ve said before, I really believed that my dog was my soul mate. I thought all soul mate really meant was that you were two halves on the same whole. When it comes to romance, I believed there were millions of people out there that you could be compatible with. While I knew I cared for Drew, probably a lot more than I was willing to admit, if it didn’t work out, I was just glad to know. I really believed that I would be able to move on. Maybe that’s why I was so stuck on Jason, I never got a clear cut answer on how he felt about me or where we stood. I was excited to see Drew’s reaction, even if it was bad. I was excited to be able to move on with my life, whether that meant I was in a relationship with Drew, or trying to get over my feelings for Drew.

He pulled back first, which made my stomach drop. While I realized I would be OK if Drew didn’t feel the same way about me, it’s not what I hoped for. I hoped that he did care about me, I hoped we could try for something.

“So. What was that about?” He said, after a moment.

“I guess fountains do it for me.” I joked. He smiled.

It was quiet for a moment, and I admit, I panicked. Were we just going to go back and not talk about it again? Would I not get the answers? All my courage had been used up when I took the leap and kissed him, I wasn’t sure that I could be the one to bring any questions on what we were doing up. I wasn’t sure if his way of letting me down easy was just avoiding the issue all together.

“Ella. You asked if I kissed you last night because I was drunk. And the truth is… Yeah. I did. If I wasn’t drunk, I never would have kissed you.”

My heart sunk, I felt like I was going to either throw up or cry, neither of which I really wanted to do in front of Drew. I turned away from him, trying to gather myself.

“Hey.” He said softly, grabbing my arm gently and turning me towards him. “I have had… feelings for you since the first day that I met you. I’ve put them on hold for so long because it’s always been about you and Jason. I never thought I had a chance. When he got married, I thought, well. Maybe she’ll get over him now. But, it still didn’t happen. And then even when I did see you making steps towards getting over him, I thought, well, the time’s not right. It’s too soon. And then I guess I psyched myself out. It was never going to be the right time, even if you did get over Jason, you wouldn’t go for me because we were friends and you’d be afraid that the same thing would happen. So. I kept my mouth shut. I figured if you could get over Jason, than I would be able to get over you eventually.”

He paused for a minute, and I didn’t know if he wanted me to say something, or what I could even say. I was speechless. I didn’t know if this was an “I’m finally over you” speech or what.

“But, last night… We were drinking, and you looked so cute, and I hadn’t seen you smile like that in such a long time, and the moment was just so right…. And I was drunk, so I did it. I figured if you reacted badly, I could blame it on the alcohol. It might be awkward for a second, but we’d get over it. I kissed you because I was drunk, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you for… Well. Forever.”

This is exactly what I wanted to happen, but I still didn’t know how to react.

“Do you care if I maybe kiss you now that I’m sober?” He asked, looking shy.

I smiled and shook my head. He touched my face, gently brushing a thumb across my lips. Then he took my face in both hands, gently, and brought my face to his. And even though I had done a lot of kissing of Drew these last few days, this was the best one yet. I thought my heart was going to explode, and when he pulled away this time, I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face.