There's a danger in loving somebody too much

I held the flimsy little card in my hand. He couldn’t have written too much, it was about the size of a post-it note. Still, that tiny card scared the crap out of me. I kept debating on reading it or throwing it away, going back and forth and at one point I walked all the way over to the trash can to chuck it. However, I knew that if I didn’t read it, I’d always wonder what it said. I was half afraid Matt was going to walk back into the kitchen, and see me looking like a complete nut job. I finally decided to just open it, rip the band-aid off so to speak, so that I could have a good cry over whatever it said, and move on.

Just as I was lifting the flap to remove the card, my cell phone rang, causing me to jump about a mile in the air. I assumed it was Drew, calling to make sure I got home OK.

“Hey Drewbie. I’m home and safe and I miss you.” I said, flipping it open without looking at the caller ID.

“Oh… Well. I’m glad you’re home and safe, but it’s not Drewbie.” Greg chuckled.

Oh no. I had forgotten entirely about Greg.

“Oh hey Greg. How are you?”

“Good. I’m glad your home. I did miss you.”

My stomach turned. I didn’t want to have this conversation. It had been such a great weekend and now it was having such a crappy ending from the card and now from Greg. I wished so badly that I would have looked at the caller ID and could have ignored the call. I still would have to tell Greg eventually that I was with someone, but I wouldn’t have to do it tonight.

“Well… I’m glad to be home.” I answered, hoping he wouldn’t hear the hesitation in my voice.

“I was wondering if you were busy tomorrow? I’d like to see you.” He sounded shy, which made me feel even worse.

“I can’t…”

“Sometime this week then?”

“I… Ah. I can’t.”

“Busy with work?”

“No… I mean, sort of. I was out for half a week so I’m sure I’ll be working late, I do have a lot to catch up on. But, Greg… I’m kind of…”

“Dating someone?” He finished for me. “It’s Drew, isn’t it?”

I didn’t say anything.

“I knew it.” He sighed.

“It just sort of happened.” I explained weakly.

“Whatever. It’s not like we were exclusive. It was bound to happen anyway.” He sounded angry, but I didn’t want to get into it with him. He was right, we weren’t exclusive, and he had no real reason to be angry.

“Well, I better go. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow and it’s late.”

“Yeah. Bye.” He answered, hanging up.

It shocked me, a little, that he basically hung up on me like that. He seemed so angry, and over what? In the short time that we were together, we had gotten into one blow up argument over nothing really. We weren’t exclusive, I hadn’t cheated on him or done anything wrong. His anger was misplaced, and it kind of put me off a little.

Since the phone was in my hand, I decided that I should call Drew and let him know that I made it home OK.

“Hey you.” He answered. His voice made me smile.

“Hey yourself.”

“You home?”

“Yeah. It’s good to be here, but I wish you were here too.”

“Well, I talked to my Dad and he’s gonna let me leave early on Friday, so I should be there by the time you get off work. I was thinking I could take you out on a real date.”

“What are we going to do?”

“I haven’t really decided yet. But I think it should be a surprise.”

“I’m not very good at surprises Drew.”

“Mmm, that’s too bad. I’m very good at them. Speaking of surprises, guess who emailed me today?”

“Who?”

“Jason.”

Again, I felt my heart stop. I wondered if he had told Drew about what happened, and if he hadn’t, should I tell Drew? Drew had said he didn’t want to hear anything else about Jason and I. I chewed my bottom lip, wondering what to do.

“Ella? Did you hear what I said?”

“No, sorry. Cumulus was distracting me.” I lied.

“He’s coming home for a weekend in a few weeks. He wanted to get together. What do you say?”

“No!” I yelled.

“What?” Drew asked, sounding confused. “You don’t want to see Jason? I mean do you think it’ll be awkward or something since we’re together?”

“No. Sorry. That no was for the dog.” I lied again. “But the answers still no. I mean Jason and I are in a weird place right now… We’re not really talking. And, I mean, it’s getting into the busy season with the agency, and there’s Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinner… And I missed all that work this past week…. I shouldn’t leave again.”

“OK. Well. I was planning on coming up every weekend if I could to see you, but do you care if I skip that weekend? It’s been awhile since Jay and I hung out.”

“No. No. It’s fine. I can spare you.” I joked.

“You can? I thought I was irreplaceable.” Drew sniffed, acting hurt.

“Someone lied to you.” I said, laughing. “But I better go. It’s late, and I should go in early tomorrow to start playing catch up.”

“Alright well. Sweet dreams.”

“You too.” I answered. “Bye.”

I hung up with Drew and went back to the card. Did it matter what it said? I mean did I need to put myself through all this when I already had a great guy? A guy that had been there for me since the beginning, and through it all, had never given up on me? What was so special about Jason? Why did he have such a hold on me, and was there anything I could do to break it?

I could start with throwing this stupid card away. And his stupid flowers, which is what I did.

I got a snack, let Cumulus out, and jumped in the shower so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it in the morning. I watched some TV with Matt, trying to keep him away from his phone. He had went from feeling bad for Kellie, to becoming annoyed by her, and then moving on to just pissed off. I made him turn off his phone and come sit with me, assuring him that by morning she would have filled up his voicemail and wouldn’t be able to leave anymore messages. I was also trying to distract myself from the note in the trash. I knew that I was right, I knew that reading it wouldn’t do anything for me, except possibly mess everything up between Drew and I, I knew that if I read the note I would most likely want to respond, and there was nothing I could say to fix this situation. Really, the best thing for me to do was to ignore it and hoped that it just went away on it’s on.

I finally turned off the TV and Matt and I went to bed. I laid there for hours, still talking to myself, one second telling myself it was OK to read it, the next second talking myself out of it. I actually managed to fall asleep a couple times, only to dream about the note and what it may have said. There were a couple variations, one of Jason confessing his undying love to me, and saying he had left Kayla, another of him saying he knew about Drew and I and threatened to kill Drew. The last one was strange, it was just a grocery list containing all the foods I hated, from onions to hot sauce. In my dream I stood there for hours trying to figure out what it meant. Finally, when I woke from the last one, I had had enough. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the card out of the trash and opened it.
All it said was: “I’m sorry. I'll fix it.”