Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...

I stood in the kitchen, flipping the card over in my hand, growing more and more confused. He was sorry? For what? For sleeping with me? Or for picking Kayla over me? He’d fix it? How was he going to fix it? Was he going to tell Kayla? Was he going to leave me alone? What was going on?

And, how was this ‘too personal’ to read over the phone? Matt didn’t know that I had slept with Jason. Nobody but Jarren did. I was expecting it to be a declaration of love or some gooey love note, or a sappy note for of regret. And all it was, was two sentences.

I had expected to feel sad, but instead I was just filled with anger. I was angry at Matt for making me worry over something that could quite possibly be nothing. I was angry at Jason for once again leaving me with so many unanswered questions.

I threw the card into the trash, and even though it was late, dialed Jason’s number.

“Hello?” He answered quietly. He didn’t sound like he had been asleep.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I shouted.

“Ella…” I heard him rustling. I imagined him in bed with Kayla, slipping out as quietly as possible so she wouldn’t know.

“No. No. You don’t get to say anything, you just need to listen. I told you, you needed to figure your shit out. You needed to get it together and decide what you were going to do. And you need to leave me out of it. All I want from you Jason is to leave me alone.”

“So. You got the flowers.” Was what he answered.

“Yeah. And you’re stupid cryptic note.”

“What about the letter?”

That stopped me in my tracks.

“What letter?” I asked, looking on the counter for something I missed.

“I wrote a letter. It should have come with the flowers. You know those little cards they give you to write in are like an inch big. I couldn’t say everything I needed to say.”

“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I’m done. Do you understand that? I’ve been doing this for years Jason, and every time it’s the same thing. It never changes, and it’s just so old. You go back to your wife. You do right by her, and you stay the hell away from me.” I said, slamming the phone down.

I was worked up, and angry. I was tearing up the kitchen, looking for this stupid letter. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I found it. I kept bouncing between tearing it up, reading it, or just… I don’t know. I knew now, nothing that Jason was going to tell me was going to matter. He was just hot air, a mirage, full of promises, but not action. I had Drew, and Drew was what I wanted all along.

“Ella, what are you doing?”

I jumped a mile in the air. I turned around and saw a groggy Matt, half asleep, looking very confused.

“Did I get a letter?”

“What?”

“I just called Jason. He said a letter came with his flowers.”

“Oh…” Matt was looking more awake now. He spotted the tiny card that was in the trash. “Here.” He said, handing it to me.

“No. A letter. Not a card. A letter.”

“Ella…” He trailed off. He was looking guilty.

“What did you do with it?” I snapped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Quit lying. You said that whatever he said was too personal to read. Nothing on that card was personal. What did you do with the letter he sent?”

“Ella…” He tried again.

“NO!” I cut him off. “The letter Matt. All I want to know is where the letter is.”

“Gone.” He said, looking me in the eyes.

“Where?”

“I threw it away. You didn’t need to read it Ella, it was only going to hurt you.”

I stopped looking for it, and stood, staring at him.

“Ella..” He started again.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I managed to spit out. I realized it was the same thing I had said to Jason moments earlier.

“I just…”

“No. I’m a big girl. I’ve been dealing with Jason a long time before you came.”

“And you’re not doing so hot with it, are you now?” He snapped back.

“Every guy who waltzes into my life thinks he needs to protect me from myself. And none of them stop to think about who’s going to protect me from them when they inevitably turn into a huge jackass.” I snapped back, walking around him and into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

To say I was pissed off would be an understatement. I don’t know how I ended up with all these self righteous jackasses in my life who thought that they could do whatever they wanted. I was mad at Jason for thinking that sending me flowers was just going to undo all the damage that he had done. There was no doubt in my mind that he thought of those flowers as a peace offering. A “let’s go back to how we were” token. Now, without the letter, I didn’t know if he wanted to go back to the us that we were when we were a couple, or the us that we were when he was with Kayla. And then there was Matt. While it was true that no matter what the letter revealed, I was done with Jason, I still wanted to know. I had every right to know. I was so sick of having these guys jump in and act like it’s their right to decide what was best for me. It’s true that Jason had broken a part of me that I didn’t know if I could ever fix, it was true that he hurt me, and it’s true that some of that was my own fault. That sometimes I did let him hurt me. But, it was also true that every time Jason pushed me down or left, I got back up. I was taking OK care of myself. I was still standing after all.

I didn’t sleep. I tried too, but I was just so angry. I gave up and got dressed, slipping out of the house and heading to work early. I had a lot of work to catch up on anyway, and I didn’t feel like bumping into Matt this morning. I was hoping to be able to avoid him at work.

I drove to work blasting Elton John, trying to sing myself into a better mood. I knew if I saw anyone while I was this pissed off, I wouldn’t be able to help but take my piss poor mood out on them. That wasn’t fair. However, Elton couldn’t do the trick. I took comfort in knowing that it would be a few hours before anyone came in, and I would let myself wallow for a little bit and just hope that when I saw someone, I could fake it and not bite their heads off.
I let myself in with my key, locking the door behind me. The neighborhood wasn’t that great, and I always hated coming in early, because the building was big and creepy and made lots of weird noises. I made sure to flip on a lot of lights along the way to my office to make it feel a little better.

I sat at my desk, flipping open my email. I smiled when I saw I had one from Drew.

Hey-
We’re idiots! Thanksgiving in on Thursday, and it looks like both of us forgot. I have a short week. Is it OK if head up there Wednesday night and do Thanksgiving with your family? I can spend the weekend. I miss you and can’t believe I have to wait three days to see you.

With all the drama going on, I did completely forget about Thanksgiving. I knew my parents wouldn’t care about Drew coming, but I did make a mental note to call my Mom and ask if I could bring anything, and I should probably tell them that Drew and I were dating. I knew my Mom would be excited about that. She loved Drew.
Only three more days to see him. Maybe this week wouldn’t be so horrible. I wondered though, if Matt was planning on going home, or if I should suck it up and be polite and ask him to my families house?