Because when you're young it's okay to be easily ignored

He just looked at me with this blank stare, and I knew I had made the wrong decision. I should have stayed quiet, should have let Drew take his time, to speak when he was ready. I was beating myself over this decision, when Drew opened his mouth again.

“The thing is, even though I know I did take care of everything, I don’t know how I did it. My mind was totally blank, and all I kept thinking was ‘don’t panic’, but that just made me panic even more. It was like I was on auto-pilot. I didn’t control my actions, they just happened.” He fell quiet again.

I sat next to him quietly, hoping that my silence wouldn’t come across and boredom, or like I didn’t care. I thought the best thing to do would be just to sit there, so he knew I was there if he wanted to talk, but not pushing him. After a few moments, I slipped my hand into his, and was both surprised and relieved when he didn’t release it or reject me.

“That night… The night of the car accident. Jeez. They say things can change in an instant, and you don’t realize how right that is until it happens. One second we’re a really happy family, I was playing with the twins, Mom was singing along to the radio, Dad was cracking jokes about how bad Mom’s singing was. And then… It just stopped, and was replaced by the most God-awful noises. Screaming, crying, wheels squealing, metal grinding. Just horrible, and I wanted it to stop so badly, but when it did… Well, that happened all of a sudden too. Just total silence, and believe it or not, that was worse than all the other noises.”

He paused again, his breathing hard. I could see his eyes wet with unshed tears. He began again, his voice raw and rough.

“The second they told Mom the twins were gone… She died too. I mean she gripped her stomach and fell to the ground, just like Toni, and let out this moan that was so… Ghostly. She walked around for weeks after, acting just like a ghost. She would rarely look at me, but when she did… It was like she saw right though me. The few times she did register that I was there… Well, you could just tell what she was thinking. She looked at me and it was written all over her face: Why’d I have to lose two, in order to keep one? Could it have at least been the other way around?”

“Oh Drew, that’s not true.” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“You think it’s not?” He asked, turning to face me for the first time. He pulled his hand away, angry. “Mom couldn’t even get out of bed most days. She didn’t take care of me at all. Dad tried, but he was working, trying to take care of Mom, and he was struggling with it too. So one night, a whole bunch of people just randomly showed up at our house. And they told me to go play, but of course, I just hid somewhere so I could listen. I was so desperate for attention, I just wanted to be in on whatever they were talking about. Turns out, they were talking about me.” He laughed when he said that last part. A bitter, choking laugh.

“The group was made up of family, like my Aunt, my Grandparents… Neighbors, a teacher that my Mom had become friends with before… They were talking about me, and what to do with me. They said I should go live someplace else, for just a little while… My Dad… He was so pissed off. Outraged. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but one part has stuck with me all these years… He slammed his fist down on the table, and my Dad… Well, you know him, he’s not like that. But he shouted at them… ‘Damnit, he’s MY son, I’ve already lost two other kids and I’m not losing him too. He stays with us, it’s where he belongs.’ When he did that… My Mom just broke down. Completely lost it. She started screaming at him. Said she couldn’t stand to look at me, and that her heart broke ever time she did. She said she just wanted to die.”

That last part hung in the air for a minute, between us. My heart broke for little boy Drew, and I just wanted to go there and scoop him up out of his hiding place and love him. It was a horrible thing that happened, but it had happened to them all.

“I look back now, and I wonder why they didn’t send her somewhere. I mean she really needed some serious mental health help. But, they didn’t. They let her stay, and they let me stay. My Dad, he tried really hard. He was better about coming home, and he took care of me, but it was still… I was alone a lot. He was balancing a lot of things, and it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know how much I blame my Mom. It wasn’t her fault either but… She didn’t come out of her room. For weeks. Every night I would go to bed thinking, tomorrow I will wake up and Mom will be cooking breakfast and the twins will be in their booster seats, and it’ll all be over. One day I did wake up, and while the twins were still gone, and Mom wasn’t cooking breakfast, she was up and out of her room. She did pack my lunch. She slowly got with it, but again, she was just… Going through the motions, and doing the bare minimum. It was like… Someone who has a job they hate. They’ll do what they have too in order to keep the job, but you can tell there’s no passion for it. They don’t love what they do. My Mom stopped loving me.”

Again, quiet enveloped us. I didn’t know what to say or do, I wasn’t good in situations like this. But, I knew that Drew had been there for me, and I really needed to try to be there for him, even if I made a mess out of it. So again, I reached over, and again, I took his hand.

“I thought Toni was going to lose her babies. And in a way, I almost wanted her too. I know that sounds horrible… But I wanted to see if she’d fall apart, like my Mom did, because then maybe it would prove that it wasn’t my Mom’s fault, it wasn’t my fault, just something that happens in response to a horrible thing like losing two children. I worried about Izzy and Kyle, but at least they have each other. I had nobody.”

“Oh, Drewbie….” I answered. Again, I was at a loss for words. “Have you told your Mom any of this?”

He laughed that bitter, choked laugh again. “Yeah right. My Mom and I don’t speak. She’s got the new boyfriend now and the new kids, and she’s going to soccer games and volunteering at their school. We got into it once, about it. She asked why I just couldn’t be happy for her, that she was finally happy again. But the thing is, I don’t think she is really happy. I don’t think she’s gotten over the twins, she’s just… Replaced everything. She replaced her husband that reminded her of her dead babies, and she replaced her son that reminded her of them, and she got new kids with a fresh start and now she doesn’t even have to think about it. And I’m just so pissed off about the whole thing. I mean how could she forget about them? I still think about them, every day when I wake up and moments before sleep. I’m not saying she has to dwell on it, but she never even talks about them. I always wished that one day she’d wake up and be happy again, but I never thought she’d do it without us.”

With that, Drew broke down into heaving sobs. Normally, when I saw a guy cry, I was a bit disgusted. Seeing Drew cry like that made me angry, but not at him. I was so angry at his Mother for doing this to him, I just wanted to go find her and beat her up. She had a fantastic son, not that she had raised him, but she should want to claim him. All kids really wanted was love, and it killed me whenever I saw a child so desperate for love and attention, and their parents not giving it. When I looked at Drew right now, I didn’t see him as Drew, a man who’s my best friend. I saw little boy Drew, hurt and scared and wondering why his Mom didn’t love him. Little boy Drew who thought it would have been better off for everyone if he had died and the twins had lived. Little boy Drew who grew up knowing that his Mother didn’t want him around. I felt so horrible for him.

Again, I’m horrible in situations like these. But I pulled Drew towards me, and wrapped my arms around him, rubbing his back in small circles and making “shhh” noises while rocking him back and forth. It was what my Mom used to do when I cried as a child. A pang of guilt and hurt surged through me when I thought of this. Drew’s Mom had never done this for him. Had anyone ever held Drew while he cried?