I was in the middle of picking up toys and starting a load of laundry when my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from Seth.

Had a great time tonight and couldn’t wait to make plans. Friday open for you?

I smiled and texted back that it was. A second later my phone buzzed again, and again, it was a text from Seth.

Good, now I have something to look forward to, besides seeing you at the agency tomorrow :-)

I slipped my phone back in my pocket, and smiled, knowing that I would have something to look forward too as well. It was also nice not to worry about things, and to date someone outside of my circle of friends.

I finished cleaning up and headed to bed, looking forward to Monday. Sleep came quickly, which was a surprise. Lately my brain was too busy for me to sleep.

It didn’t last long, however. A few hours after I fell asleep, I woke up to a ringing phone.

“Hello?” I asked, groggily. I didn’t bother to look at the caller ID, I always panicked a little when I got middle of the night phone calls, and wanted to find out who it was and what was wrong as soon as I could.

“I didn’t think you’d answer. It’s late, I thought I’d get voicemail…”

“Jason? What do you want?” I asked. We had ended things OK the last time we talked but we hadn’t talked since. Hearing his voice gave me butterflies. I wondered if it always would.

“I…” He hesitated. “I missed you. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

His honesty struck me, and I didn’t know what to say.

“How are you doing?” He prodded.

“Good. I guess. Things are hectic. Toni and Nick are moving down the street and Toni and the kids are staying here while they’re remodeling. Toni’s pregnant again.” I said, leaving out the with twins part.

“Oh. I didn’t know that. I guess I’m a little removed from everyone these days. Are you and Drew…” He trailed off, unable to finish.

“Are we together?” I finished for him. “You don’t talk to him?”

“No. Not really.” He admitted.

“Because of me?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

He sighed. “I don’t know. It’s not your fault. I messed up our friendship pretty badly on my own. We talk occasionally, but it’s weird.”

“Yeah.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “To answer your question… No, we’re not together. He’s moving down here too. Staying with Nick and Toni and working on the house for him, but…”

“Because of me?” He asked.

“Initially, yes. But now… No. I guess he’s going through some things with his parents divorce. I don’t know, I don’t really understand it, but he said he needed his space, so…”

There was a strained silence between us, and I wondered what I was doing, on the phone in the middle of the night with the guy who broke my heart so many times.

“I just called because…” Jason started, but trailed off. “I just. Miss how things used to be. Not just us, either. But everyone. I don’t know. I saw Kayla today, and I know it sounds bad, but seeing her made me miss you.”

“Are you guys still divorcing?” The answer didn’t matter, but I was curious.

“Yeah.” He said with a deep sigh. “We talked about trying… But. She doesn’t know if she can get over it. I don’t blame her. I also don’t know if I could do what she wanted me to do, which was cut off all ties with you. And, I don’t think it would have been fair. Had I never met you Ella? I could have spent the rest of my life with her, and happily. I mean she’s great, and I do love her. But it’s different, with you.”

That confession hung in the air between us, and both of us were quiet for awhile.

“Why did you call Jason?” I finally said. “I can’t do this back and forth anymore. I can’t rehash the past. It’s in the past for a reason.”

“I know.” His voice was small. “Most of the time I get that, and while I’m not really OK with it, I can deal with it. Tonight I just missed you, and how things used to be.”

I understood. I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished I could go back a redo things. How different things would be now… Or maybe not. Maybe everything would turn out the same exact way, but I’m sure I would have a lot less regrets.

“Is it OK if I call you sometimes? Just to talk, catch up. Nothing major, I promise?” Jason voice was pleading, and I felt bad, and sad. He was my best friend, and now we were reduced to this? When did the person I call for everything become the person who begs me to be allowed to call every once in awhile?

Still, I knew the dangers of letting Jason back in again, so to speak. I didn’t want to fall back into that trap, and I’m not quite sure he would ever fully change his ways.

“I’d like to be friends again Jas. Better friends than ‘oh I’ll call you every once in awhile’, but I just. I don’t know if that’s possible. And even if it is possible, I just… Don’t know how.”

“I understand.” He said. He sounded so sad. Lonely. That killed me.

“We’ll just take one day at a time, OK? You can call me if you want. We’ll see where it goes. But I’m going to be honest with you. I promise you that, and if I can’t handle it, I’m going to let you know, and you need to respect that, OK?”

“OK. I’ll be honest with you, too, Ella. I’m sorry. For everything.”

“I know Jason.” And I did. I was sorry too.

We talked for a few minutes longer. He caught me up on the Marines, about the rumors of being sent back to Iraq again. I tried not to worry, but of course I did. I wish this stupid war would end and we wouldn’t need soldier’s anymore. It was a big wish, an impossible one at that, but I still wished him. I told him a little more about Nick and Toni’s house, about what I had been up too, avoiding the whole Drew situation, and leaving out my date with Seth. I realized how tired I was, and told him I needed to go to bed.

Even though I had been exhausted, I found myself tossing and turning. Jason made my brain kick into overdrive. I missed him. I missed how things used to be. I was happy about my life now, but… Growing up is hard. Sure, there are moments you couldn’t pay me to re-live, and I’m glad to be out of them, but there are other moments… Well, I’d give anything to experience those again. I knew I was in store for more moments, both good and bad, but you never appreciate things while you have them, and I knew I’d always look back and miss certain moments, no matter how good my life got.

Jason was one of those things I think I would always miss.

However, I thought about what he said about Kayla… How if he had never met me, it would have worked out with Kayla. That made me think about Drew. If I had to choose one, which would I choose?

My heart broke at the thought of it. I didn’t want to choose one or the other. I didn’t want to lose either one of them. I realized though, that in the pursuit of trying to keep them both, I had lost them both. I also realized, for the first time, how Jason must have felt. I knew he loved both Kayla and I, just in different ways. While one type of love may be better than the other, you still don’t ever want to have to hurt someone you love.

The more I thought about it, though, the more I knew who I would choose, if I were ever in that position again.

As much as I would hate to hurt him, I wouldn’t pick Jason. We had some fun times together, and there were many memories I wouldn’t be able to forget, but while I once thought of him as my constant, I realized that really, Drew had been my constant. Drew was always there in the background, Drew was always there to pick up the pieces when Jason left, or broke me. Drew waited patiently for me.

I wondered what that meant, if I should stop this thing with Seth before it started and wait for Drew. I mean what was the point in dating anyone if you knew already who was the one for you?

But then Toni’s words popped back into my head. And I realized… She was right. You can’t wait on someone. Life in general doesn’t wait, and you have to move on and keep moving forward. If it’s meant to be, well then, it’ll work out. And if not… Well, you’ll find someone else. After Jason, I had found Drew. Had I waited forever for Jason, I wouldn’t have ever looked at Drew in that light. Maybe Seth would top Drew. Maybe he wouldn’t. I could only wait and see.