It's just that the time was wrong...

I let Drew cry and sniffle for awhile, just holding him. Eventually though, he pulled away, wiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands.

“Sorry.” He said, his voice back to normal. “Just, things with Toni really threw me off.”

“It’s OK Drew… You’ve been through a lot. I just wish you had told me sooner.”

“It’s not a big deal.” He said, turning away from me and heading back to his hammer. “I can’t dwell on things right now. I really need to get this done. I mean Toni’s so stressed about the house not being ready on time… I need to get it done.”

I was quiet for a moment, debating whether or not I should push him further or let it go. I decided to drop the subject. He had already revealed so much tonight, and I was terrified that if I pushed him anymore, he’d clam up for good.

“Well… I mean, could I help?”

He laughed, but in a kind way. “No offense Ella, but I really need someone who knows what they’re doing. If I have to teach you how to do things, it’s just going to slow me down.”

“Hey!” I said, pretending to take offense. “I know what I’m doing… Sorta.” The truth was, if it didn’t come with instructions, I had no idea how to put it together. And most of the time I got extremely frustrated with directions.

“Yeah. Right.” He answered.

“Well…” I trailed off, trying to tread lightly. “My new… Uh, friend… Seth. He offered to help with his brother. Their Dad owns a business and he says that they can do some basic home remodel stuff… If you really want help.”

I watched Drew’s back stiffen, and then his shoulders drop in defeat.

“I think… Maybe that would be a good idea. I mean, I’m not fully comfortable with it, but the fact of the matter is, I would like to at least get Toni into a real bed sometime soon. She can’t keep sleeping on that sofa bed. The more people helping… Well the faster we could at least get the rooms done.” He paused for a moment. “Jason’s coming.”

“What?” I asked, unable to hide the shock and surprise in my voice. “Jason’s coming… Here?”

“Yeah.” Drew answered.

“Why? When?” I asked, really unsure about how I felt about all this.

Drew sighed and dropped his hammer. “I called him after Toni’s thing… We haven’t really been talking lately, but I was upset and I didn’t really have anyone else… You and I have been weird, Toni and Nick were at the hospital… I didn’t really know who else to talk too.”

“Oh Drewbie.” I said, feeling both bad and guilty that he needed someone and thought that I wouldn’t be there. “Even when I’m angry at you, or things are weird between us, you can always come talk to me…”

He paused for a second. “You’re angry at me?”

I nodded.

“Why?” He asked.

I took a deep breath. “I just think how you’ve been acting has been a little… Unfair. And I mean, now that I know the whole story, I understand a little better… But I mean, you tell me not to wait for you, that I should date other people, and when I go on one outing that I wasn’t even sure was a date… I dunno, you acted all weird. I just hate that this is ruined, you know? I mean you and I were such good friends, and now look where we are. You don’t even feel like you can come talk to me when you’re upset.”

He sighed. “Yeah. Fair enough. I just don’t know what to do about us. I just feel like I have enough going on right now, that I really just can’t take on a relationship too. I know it might sound lame, but it’s like… I’m carrying around this angry for my Mom, and I’m struggling to keep it in all the time, and it’s like, I’m so scared that I’ll blow at the wrong person. I just really need some space.”

“Which is fine, Drew. I understand totally. But I just feel like if I sit around and wait for you, I’ll end up resenting you for it. However, on the other hand, I’m worried that if I get on with my life, that you’ll end up resenting me for that. I don’t want us to get to a place where we can’t get back together, or at least stay friends because we’re busy being pissed off at each other.”

“I know. I just… It’s a tough situation, you know? You’re what I always wanted. And now that I have you, it’s like the timing isn’t right. And it’s so frustrating.”

We were quiet for a moment, both lost in our own thoughts.

“Are you angry at me?” I ventured, breaking our silence.

“I’d be lying if I said no… But honestly, I don’t even know if I’d call it anger. It’s almost like… I want to be angry. At first I was angry, and then… I just couldn’t figure out what I was angry for. I think, mainly, that I’m just angry at our situation. It’s just that the time was wrong, you know? And that sucks.”

“I don’t know if I’d really blame timing. I messed up. I should have told you what happened between Jason and I. But, I honestly just… Wanted to forget about it.”

“I know.” He said. “It’s just… I mean part of it was like I felt like I was runner up to Jason all over again. Then another part of it goes back to my Mom. I just feel like… With her new boyfriend… He’s a replacement. She can’t have the real thing, me and my Dad, because it hurts her too much. So she found something almost as good. And I worried for a moment if maybe you were doing that too. Couldn’t be with Jason, but here’s Drew, and he’s almost as good.”

“That wasn’t the case at all!” I protested, then made myself calm down. “It was almost like… Like it was a habit, with Jason. I knew I didn’t want to do it, but I was so used to falling into the same old pattern, that it was just… Automatic. I love Jason, and I always will, he’s just been such a big part of everything that that’s never going to change. But more and more I realize I’m not in love with this new Jason. The old Jason is gone, and this new one just doesn’t measure up. As far as you… I mean it took me awhile to open my eyes and see you for who you really were. Jason clouded my world for so long Drew, it was all him, all the time, or nothing. But, you have to know Drew, you’re not a replacement for Jason, you’re not a runner up, you’re not a consolation prize. I just wouldn’t and couldn’t do that to you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, but please know that my feelings are genuine.”

“I know Ella. It’s just… Complicated sometimes.”

I nodded in agreement.

Silence came over us again. I heard Cumulus bark in the backyard.

“Shoot!” I said jumping up. “I forgot all about him! I didn’t want to bring him in, I didn’t know if there were any nails or something laying around. I better get out there and take him home.”

“I’ll walk you.” Drew said, standing.

“You don’t have too. I know you said you had a lot of stuff to do around here.”
“I do. But I could use some fresh air.”

We left the house and walked most of the way to mine in total silence. Finally, about five feet from my front door, Drew spoke.

“Jason’s going to be coming into town… He had some leave and wanted to help. He’s going to be here Saturday, and is staying for two weeks… You OK with that?”

“I guess I kind have to be…” I said trailing off.

“No, you don’t. I mean I can tell him not to come…”

“No, no. Don’t do that. He and I had a talk and we’re going to try to work on being friends. Besides, I mean even if I had an issue, it’s about Toni, and helping her out… If I have a problem, I’ll just stay away.”

We were standing in front of my door now, our breath coming out in little puffs of white air. The porch light was on and it started to snow lightly.

“You can ask you friends to help… I mean, I won’t love it, but like you said, it’s really about Toni, and I just know she’ll feel so much better when the house is done. If we could at least knock out the majority of it… You know, make it livable, I’m sure she could breath easier. And I really want her in a real bed.”

“I know. I’m going to make her take my room when she comes home. She can have my bed. We can get Kyle’s toddler bed and set it up in the office, and Izzy can stay upstairs with me. That way I can take on getting up with her if she wakes at night, Toni won’t have to worry about it.”

“You’re really an amazing friend, you know that?” He said smiling down at me.

“You are too! I just know that if the shoe was ever on the other foot, you all would do it for me.”

He grew quiet then, his face serious now. He thought for a moment, then took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to go on with your life. I want you to date other people, because when you come back to me, I want you to know I’m the best possible person for you. I’ve known you were it since the day I met you. But you just talked about walking around in this Jason haze and not seeing anyone else… I want you to walk around haze free a bit, try your options out, and come back to me knowing that I’m it for you. I think that’s the only way to be fair to the both of us.”

“OK…” I said, but I was interrupted by him leaning forward and kissing me.
I felt my breath catch in my throat. The kiss was slow, and it was sweet, but there was also something else lingering in there… Passion, mixed with a little bit of anger…

It didn’t last nearly long enough, and when he pulled away, I stayed put, my eyes still closed, for just a moment longer.

“What was that for?” I called to him. He had already turned and started to walk back.

“To give you something to remember, while you’re doing all that searching.” He said. With a smile and a wave he was gone.

And I was left, more confused than ever.