Whatever Wednesday Part two: We're screwed

There's another Whatever Wednesday posted below, but I wrote that in advanced, and we have some more news... I'm not too sure what's going to happen to the blog right now. My husband was fired yesterday. The reason was total bullshit (and trust me, I would admit if he were at fault for the firing) I also hate the fact that they couldn't wait two more days to do it in so that we could be covered under insurance for another month.

Basically, I don't know what's going to happen. He and I are both looking for jobs right now, and I haven't been able to write. If I go back to work, I don't know how much time I'll have to write. All in all, I'm pretty upset because of several reasons, the obvious ones, and the fact that now several of the things I wanted to do I don't think we'll be able to do right now (like have a baby. So while I was holding my breath waiting for a positive pregnancy test, now I'm holding my breath and hoping my period comes. I actually already had one positive test, but the rest have been negative, so I'm not sure what's going on with that either.) I'm also going to porbably have to step out of my friends wedding in September, because I need to buy an 145 dollar dress and we just can't spend that kind of money right now.

Anyway, the rest of the week is scheduled to post. I don't know what Monday's going to bring. I am so sorry. I'll try to keep you guys updated.

I also told Maejen that I would check out her blog - I haven't had a chance too yet, but I did post it on the blog roll. You guys should go check it out and lemme know what you think. It's called Everyday Endeavors and the link is posted under the fiction blogs

Whatever Wednesday: Angels

Last week we touched on religion, which can be a touchy subject for... Well, just about everyone it seems. As I stated last week, I like going to church, sometimes. But, for me, it's just not personally where I tend to find God, and I think your worship should be spent wherever you do happen to find him. For some people that's church, for me, it usually tends to be outside. It's hard for me to look at gorgeous scenery and NOT believe in God.

However, above all, I believe in the right to choose. You want to believe in nothing? Go right ahead. It's your life, why should I care what you believe in? I don't really think religion is to blame for wars. I think it's peoples desperate need to control others that is to blame. I just think we spend so much time trying to convince others that our way is the right way. Why does it matter? Those who chose not to believe in God don't shake my belief in Him. And I'm sure my belief in Him doesn't really do anything to change the non-belief in others. Why do we have to slap a right and wrong label on it? We can argue till we turn blue in the face, but do we ever come upon an answer? No. So what's the point? Plus I think it's hilarious when people want to use religion as an excuse to hate. It seems to me that most religions tend to preach love, acceptance. "Do unto others and you'd have done to you." "Let he without sin be the first to condemn"... You can't really pick and choose what you want to believe in. You don't have to like or believe in or agree with someone elses choices, but to use the Bible or religion as a way to condemn them and hate them? Makes you a sinner and a liar as well. And really, is one sin worse than another? Do two wrongs ever make a right?

I wrote in Caydens baby book that whoever he became, I would always love him and support him. And sure, there are exceptions to that rule... I would have a hard time supporting him if he became a serial killer. But I would still love him. I would hate the choices he made, but he's still my son and still my whole world. I don't understand how parents could turn their back on their children for stupid little things... Because they didn't pick the job their parents wanted, because they didn't marry the person they thought their child should marry... Because they were gay. If Cayden came to me one day and told me he was gay, would anything change? No. I would love him just as much. I'll be honest, I would be a tad disappointed: I want Grandkids, I want to be at my son's wedding, and right now due to other people's ignorance that can't happen. (Gays making marriage a joke? Uh. Have you not seen what straight people did to it? Britney Spears getting married for what was it, 42 hours? And what percentage of marriages end in divorce now? And the whole "Gay people will sexually abuse their kids" Really? Because straight men never rape or molest little girls? Or how about my favorite: Gay parents will turn their children gay. Right. Because straight parents NEVER have gay children. My Uncle, who has his Phd in psychology and is STILL married to my Aunt had a lesbian daughter. How do you explain that one?) I watched a documentary a long time ago about a gay couple who took in little african american kids with HIV. Nobody wanted these babies, but they did. They raised them, they loved them, they cared for them, but were never allowed to officially adopt them. They did SUCH a good job that the state actually asked them to take in two little twin white boys with HIV and also other issues. But when one of their older boys, who had been with the couple for YEARS found out that he didn't actually have HIV or AIDs (I guess you can pop for HIV and not actually have it.) The state tried to take him away. The kid wanted to stay in that home, and they said no.

It's just crazy to me. What's the point? If they are GOOD parents, if they love their kids, if the children are happy and healthy... Yes, I get it. A child should be raised in a home with a man and a woman and blah blah blah... But sometimes they aren't. I myself was raised practically my whole life by just my Mother. Thousands of kids are. If a parent dies or leaves, does that mean the home is suddenly unfit for the child? Sure, it's not the best possible situation. But how many times in life are you going to come across the perfect situation? And really, I think a home with two men or two women is MUCH better than being left in the fucked up joke that is our foster care system.

Again, I think it comes down to choice, and why it bothers us so much when people don't do things the way WE would do things. I get that you can't have total freedom to do WHATEVER it is you wanted. Stealing, raping, murdering, ect. But overall, how does what you believe in, affect my life? How does who you love affect my life? It just doesn't.

But anyway, the whole reason I wanted to write this post is that I didn't know if I had ever told you guys about my father, and why I believe so much in Angels. If I've already told this story, I'm sorry. My memory isn't the best, and I'm too lazy to go back and try to find if I have.

The day my Father died started out being relatively normal. I was in preschool, so I got home before my brother and sister. When I got home, my father was there. He and my Mom were divorced, but still acted like they were married, and had he lived, they probably would have gotten back together (and then divorced. And then probably gotten back together, and then divorced... And you get the picture.) Anyway, he needed to go pick up his check from work, and do a few random jobs around work. I went with him.

My Mom told me later that I was my Dad's favorite. I believe her. When I was little, everyone thought I was adorable. And I was. I had the Shirley Temple curls, little button nose, big brown eyes, red cheeks... Seriously, I looked like a doll. I have since lost those looks, lol. Anyway, I loved going to work with my Dad. Whenever we came in the receptionist would always say "There goes Chick and the Chick-lets" (My Dad's name was Charles, everyone called him Chick.) For months after my Dad died, I desperately wanted someone to say that again. I even tried to yell "There go Sue and the Sue-lets" when I was out with my Mom, but... It didn't work so much.

Anyway, we went and got his check, and to this day I remember the room. There was fuzzy blue-ish purplish shag rug and it was REALLY cold. We got his check. He talked about buying me a present. But first he had a few jobs to do. He asked me to wait in his office, and so I did. His desk had this little flat piece that you could pull out, and I loved to sit there and eat my lunch.

When he came back, I decided to hide behind the door. He couldn't find me, and left. I got scared. Luckily somebody found me, and we went on a search for him. We found him in the nurses office downstairs. He was having chest pains. They called an ambulance, and I waited by the window, watching for them. The office had an old school heater in it, the register kind, and the heat was so dry it hurt my face.

I don't know why my Dad didn't go to the hospital with the paramedics. I don't know if they told him he was fine, or if he just refused (I thought I heard a story awhile back about how his insurance wouldn't pay for a ride in an ambulance and he didn't want to have to pay for it. I don't know if this is true or not.) I don't know why the paramedics would let my father go, knowing he was a smoker who had a history of heart attacks (this was his 3rd or 4th one) and who had his little girl with him. I don't know why my father would risk it. I'm pretty stubborn when it comes to medical stuff, I hate going to the doctor and put it off as much as possible, but I would NEVER put Cayden at risk like that.

Either way, he decided to drive us home. Or maybe he was heading to the hospital himself. I don't know. We didn't make it.

He pulled over on the side of the freeway. I thought he was playing a joke at first. My Dad ALWAYS played horrible jokes. He lived with my Grandma and one time when we came over he hid behind the door and jumped out, wearing a mask. Scared the PISS out of me. Most people wouldn't do that to little kids, but my Father was not very smart. I yelled at him. He didn't move. I started pulling his hair and screaming. I didn't know what to do, other than lock the doors and cry.

I look back and I think about that day. So many things could have happened. I could have gotten out of the car, either gotten lost or hit by a car. I could have even been picked up and taken by someone. I could have sat there for so long, stuck in the car with my dead Father until someone found me.

Instead, a man walked by the car. He flipped me a thumbs up sign, I replied with a thumbs down. He ran over. Normally I would have been afraid, refused to unlock the door, but this time, I unlocked them for him.

He had a tow truck. He thought maybe we were broke down and needed help. He and some other people (I don't know if they had been with him, or had stopped to help.) Pushed the car forward (so maybe we had been blocked the road?) He called 9-1-1 on his CB radio. He and his friends pulled my father out of the car and gave him CPR.

I never learned their names. Never got to say thanks. Never got to tell them that even though my Dad died, they saved me. I don't know who they are. Have no idea how to find them. But they were the start in my believing in Angels.

There are other stories. Some little that I guess could be chalked up to coincidences or luck... Near car accidents, other close calls... And other large stories, like the night my brother was shot... My brother had a hard time after my Dad died, and he became to act out in violent ways. My Mom, unable to afford the therapy he needed, had to turn over custody to the state. My brother was in a foster home (for his own "good") When his foster brother shot him in the face. My brother says there was no reason for the attack. He went to tell his foster brother goodnight, and when he knocked on his bedroom door, the foster brother opened it, pulled a gun, and shot him. Even though the foster brother was shorter than my brother, and the bullet should have gone into my brothers brain, killing him, it didn't. Instead the bullet entered his nostril and exited through the roof of his mouth. Still painful, but my brother was alive.

To sum it up, I just want to say, I love the way the comments went last time. People obviously had different opinions, but I also liked that I saw no put downs, nobody yelling, no one fighting, no one arguing or saying someone else was wrong. Again, I'm just a firm believer in choice. You wouldn't want someone else telling you what to do/how to live/what to believe in. So why would you do it to someone else?

ANYWAY - I was thinking... I've always wanted to be interviewed, annnd I'm never going to be famous for anything, therefore no one would want to interview me. But next week on Whatever Wednesday, I think I'll just be doing an interview. If there are any question you guys have for me, you can either email me, or post it in a comment. If I don't get any questions, I'm just gonna make them up, because I am THAT lame.

Nick's POV: Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Like normal people, I couldn’t wait for the weekend to come. I felt like I spent my whole life, trudging through work, trying desperately to hold on for those two days where I got to go home and see my wife and my kids. I just hated that a good chunk of my weekend was spent working on the house. I felt like there was never enough time… But, I knew in the end it would be worth it. Seeing the look on Toni’s face when she saw how much we had completed next weekend… Well, that was worth it. She was an amazing woman, and I wanted to do whatever I could to show her that I appreciated it all.

Still, while I would do this labor for my wife, it didn’t mean I was immune to the exhaustion that came with the constant traveling back and forth, and the non stop work. My temper had grown short with just about everyone except for my wife and kids, so I was not in the mood to come to home and deal with a moping Drew.

“Hey.” I said to him as I entered the house and dropped my bags. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He answered, not moving from the couch. “Toni asked me to sit today. I love your kids but man… They don’t quit, do they?”

“Why’d she ask you to sit?” I asked, confused. I walked to the kitchen to grab a soda.

“Toni didn’t tell you?” Drew called.

“No. Where’s Ella?”

“She’s off with her little boy toy. A weekend away.”

“Oh yeah.” I said, rubbing my eyes. I didn’t want to get into this with him. Drew was very adamant that he was over Ella, but any time she or Seth was brought up… Well, you could practically see his skin boil. It bothered him, no matter what he said.

I had already tried to state the obvious: that they were both being idiots. But any time I brought up the fact that Drew was obviously still head over heels with Ella, Drew shut down. I was tired of dealing with it. Honestly, Kyle was easier to talk too then Drew these days.

“You think they’re getting serious?” Drew asked, not looking at me.

“I don’t know.” I answered, sinking into the couch next to him.

“But… I mean, a weekend away. Sounds pretty serious.”

I took a long swing of my soda. “I don’t know Drew. I didn’t even know they were going away together. Between work, and Toni, and the house and the kids… I don’t have much time to talk to Ella. She’s got her hands pretty full too.”

“Are you saying I’m not doing anything to help? That I don’t have a lot on my plate?” Drew snapped.

I shook my head. He was so touchy these days. “No, Drewbie. I’m just saying I don’t have a lot of time to talk to anyone. Besides, I don’t think El has ever discussed relationships with me. We don’t have that sort of friendship.”

He looked away, and didn’t speak for a moment. “But… I mean, going away for the weekend is pretty serious.” It was phrased as a statement, but I could tell Drew wanted me to disagree with him. What I really wanted to tell him to do was grow up, grow some balls, and get Ella back if he wanted her so badly.

“Not necessarily.” I answered instead. It was true that I first realized I was in love with Toni on a weekend away, but I knew telling him wouldn’t help matters. “I mean, you could go away with someone and realize how annoying they are. Why do you care anyway?” I knew I shouldn’t have asked that last part, but I was hoping it would shut him up.

“I don’t care.” He started, but then sighed. “I mean, I do care, just… I don’t want to be with her, but I still don’t want her to be with a jerk.”

“You think Seth is a jerk?” I asked, confused.

“His brother sure is. And the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Even you have to know how weak that sounds.” I said, finishing my soda and getting off the couch to throw it away. “He came over to help out, remember? And brought a bunch of his friends to make up for his brother’s behavior. You don’t have to like him Drew, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy.”

“Whatever.” Drew said. He was clearly pouting.

“How’s Christi?” I said, desperately wanting to change the subject.

“She’s good. Out of town right now.” He was shutting down. I could tell by his clipped answers.

“When’s she coming back?”

“Sunday night.”

“Things are good between you two?” I prodded. I should have just cut my losses and left well enough alone.

“Things are fine. What’s with the twenty questions?” He snapped again.

And then I snapped.

“Look Drew, I’m trying to be nice here. I know you’re going through a lot, and I know you’re also helping us out with the kids and the house and all that. But you’re not willing to talk about anything you’re going through, so I can’t help you there, and if you’re going to be a prick all the time, it would be much easier to do the house without you. It’s clear you miss Ella.” He started shaking his head and opened his mouth to interrupt me.

“Don’t, Drew, just shut up. You can deny it all you want, but your actions clearly show that you miss her. Whether it’s just as a friend or as more, I don’t know. But either you talk to her and work it out with her, or you don’t. But either way you need to stop taking your crap out on everyone else. It’s getting old.”

I didn’t wait for his response. I left the room in search of my wife and kids.

Of course, if I expected to find any relief from drama in Toni, I should have known I would be mistaken. I love my wife, I love her more than I love myself, but she never really handled pregnancy well. Now that it was pregnancy times two? I never really knew which Toni I was going to get: Depressed Toni, Blessed Toni, Happy Toni, Angry Toni, Horny Toni… Sure that last one was nice, but not enough to make up for the depressed Toni, or the Angry Toni… And, the she would flip personalities on a dime. One second I’d be speaking to my normal wife, and the next second she’d be crying, or yelling at me. Again, I appreciated all she did for me, and for the kids, but between her and Drew I was losing my sanity.

“Hi honey.” I said, sitting down on the bed next to her.

“Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?” She snapped. “I have a raging headache and I just got the kids down for a nap. All I want is a little alone time.”

“I’m sorry baby… I just missed you and wanted to tell you hi.” To be honest, my feelings were a little hurt. But, I tried to ignore her, and repeated my mantra over in my head: ‘it’s just the hormones talking. A few more months and the hormones will be gone, and Toni will be back.’

“No… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. Like I said, raging headache.” She apologized, and so I leaned down to cuddle with her.

“Drew’s pissed off at me.”

“What’d you do?” Toni asked, turning on her side. “Rub my back while you’re talking.”

“I just told him he needed to grow up. He’s complaining about Ella again.”

“Oh Nick, just leave him alone. He’s going through a lot, and she’s not making it any easier on him.”

“You’re blaming Ella?” I had to keep my voice in check, but I was surprised. “What’s she supposed to do? Hang around and wait for him? He was the one who encouraged her to see other people.”

“I know, but she could have told him no. And now she’s parading her boyfriend around here all the time.”

“Drew has his girlfriend!” This time I couldn’t keep my voice in check, I shouted, and I cringed as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

“Don’t you yell at me! And don’t you dare wake those kids up!” She snapped back.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I was just surprised. I mean, this what you encouraged Ella to do, remember? To go with the flow, go see other people… And now you’re saying she’s wrong and should have waited? I’m just confused.”

“I know…” She sighed. “I just hate seeing Drew so sad. He hung on forever for that girl, and now all of a sudden… I just know he’s got to be going through a lot. I mean look at him! He’s not himself at all. I just wish…” She shook her head. “I just wish they’d both get their happily ever after.”

“I get what you’re saying. But I think the ball is in Drew’s court. He told her to move on, and if he wants her back, he’s gonna have to say something.”

“I don’t see that happening. He’s so angry at the world, he can’t see past it. He’s just mad.”

“You have any idea why?” I asked.

“Drew’s dad told me his Mom is getting married. To the younger guy. Apparently she keeps begging him to come home and meet everyone. He keeps telling her he can’t. I feel bad for his Dad… He asked me to talk to Drew, try to get him to come home. I get a feeling his soon to be ex wife asked him to do that, and he’s still in love with her so…” Toni trailed off. “I don’t know how I feel about her personally. I get wanting a fresh start, but this just seems so… Harsh.”

I nodded, cuddling up to her. I was glad to have normal Toni here right now, and was going to enjoy it until the next Toni came knocking on the door.

“You think Drew and Ella will ever get together?” She asked, sounding worried.

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

She paused, thinking, her brow wrinkled. “I used to think they would. They had too. They’re just so made for each other. But, now… I’m just not sure. Seth is such a good guy. I could easily see Ella falling for him.”

“Would that be such a bad thing? I mean you said it yourself, Seth is a good guy.”

“But he’s not Drew.” Toni responded.

I, for one, was unsure why that mattered. But I knew better than to ask.

Come away with me and we'll kiss

I had been nervous about going out of town with Seth, but the second we got on the freeway, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe easier, I stopped worrying about Jason and Toni and the kids and camp… I pushed Drew from my mind, and concentrated on Seth.

We talked the whole ride there, and for the first time I felt like I was really getting to know Seth. We talked about less serious things. Our lives had been so full of heaviness lately, I think we both just wanted to forget what was going on at home. We went over the basics, like our favorite songs, movies, food, colors… Our most embarrassing moments, our most sad moments, our best friends, our best memories, the most romantic thing a person has ever done for us (I told Seth what Jason did at prom. He told me about a girl who had picked up double shifts so she could get really good seats for them to a basketball game.) It was nice, Seth had added a bunch of old school classic songs to the CD player (Build me up buttercup, My girl…) We rolled the windows down and sang loudly into the wind, laughing at each other and just… Having fun. And we didn’t stop having fun until we pulled up in front of a huge and gorgeous farmhouse.

I stepped out of the car, and all I could manage was a breathless “wow”.

The house was huge, rectangular, white with red shutters. There was a porch that wrapped halfway around the house, with a balcony on top. I could hear horses in the back, and see an old barn peeking out from around the side of the house.

“It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?” Seth asked, coming to stand behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. “It’s my Grandpop’s. He got sick… He had to go into a home. His one condition was that we kept the house. Since none of us could move out here to take care of it, we rent it out, for people who want a whole country experience. It pays for the upkeep of the house, the farmhands to watch the animals… And we still get to come out and use the house from time to time.”

“I love it. Seriously, I can already tell this is just what I needed.” I answered.

“Well why don’t you go on inside, check out the house? I’ll bring in the bags and start dinner.”

“Let me help…” I started, but Seth was already shaking his head.

“Uh uh, go on. I’ve got everything.” He said, giving me a little nudge in the direction of the house.

So on I went. The inside of the house was just as gorgeous as the outside. The floor plan was open and spacious, with a large living room the flowed into a humungous kitchen. There was a den, and another room that had been remodeled into a home theatre. The back wall of the living room was glass, and I could look out and see the stars and the dark shadows of what I assumed were the horses. I sunk into the large sectional in the living room and starred outside. This was heaven, and I was so glad I had come.

I heard Seth come in and bustle around in the kitchen. I laid back, meaning to close my eyes for only a second, and then get up to help, despite his protest. I didn’t make it that long.

I woke a little while later to Seth kissing my forehead.

“Do you want to just sleep? Or are you hungry?” He asked as I opened my eyes.

“Ooh. I’m so sorry.” I said lifting myself up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I picked myself up and stretched. “This couch is so comfortable.”

“Nothing to be sorry about.” He said, reaching forward to smooth out my hair. “If you want to go to bed, I can show you to your room… I just wanted to make sure you weren’t hungry.”

My stomach rumbled. “I think I’m hungry.” I said, smiling.

“Well. It’s not much. Something quick since it’s so late, but…”

I was headed towards the kitchen, but instead, he grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and headed outside to the back porch. Confused, I followed him.

He had set candles in various places on the deck, and laid a blanket and some large pillows on the ground. I sunk down, surprised.

“It’s still a little cold for a picnic.” He said, wrapping the blanket around me. “But every time I come out here, I’m always shocked at the amount of stars. I want to spend as much time as possible outside.”

“Yeah.” I said, craning my neck upwards to stare. It was amazing to see how many they were. It really made you feel quite small.

We had a simple dinner of pizza and breadsticks, but again, talk flowed. Seth discussed our plans for the next few days, sleeping in and riding horses. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow to start, but I also knew that this weekend was going to go faster than I wanted it too.

After we finished, we stretched out on our backs, Seth’s arms behind his head, my head resting on his chest, laying back and looking at the stars. It was a little chilly outside, but between our body heat and the blanket, I was plenty warm.

“So. Can I ask you a question?” Seth asked.

“You just did.” I said, laughing.

“Well, you know what I mean.”

“Alright, go ahead.”

“Why do you like me?”

“Seriously?” I asked, looking over at him.

“Yeah.” He said.

“Well for one, if you haven’t looked in the mirror lately, you should. You’re gorgeous. Secondly, you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re good with kids, you love your family, you’re caring… I mean Seth, I really have yet to find a flaw. I think you may be the perfect man.”

“I’m not though. I have family issues, so some might say I care about my family too much. And I used to have anger issues…” He was quiet for a moment. “I mean, I saw you, and I had to hit on you. It was one of those things where I knew I didn’t have a chance, but I also knew if I didn’t ask you out… I’d regret it later.”

“Why didn’t you have a chance?” I asked, confused.

“I mean, you’re not so bad looking yourself. And seeing you with your kids, and what you do for them… I mean you can just tell that you really do care about them. A lot of girls see me and they think player. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I can easily get with girls. However, they’re just not the type of girls I want to be with. You were different. I could tell that right off the bat.”

“You seemed so confident. I thought you were out of my league.” I said, unable to believe what he was saying.

“I’m out of your league? Have you not noticed how many guys want you?” He asked.

I laughed. “Guys think they want me. Then they get me, and either they don’t know what to do with me, or they change their minds.”

“You think I don’t know what to do with you?” He asked, turning towards me and raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know.” I said mischievously. “I mean you haven’t really shown me anything yet…”

He smiled a wicked little grin, and before I could blink, he was on top of me, pinning my arms above my head. He leaned down and kissed me deeply, his tongue exploring my mouth. He moved so his one hand was holding both my arms, and with his other hand, he reached up my shirt, tracing small circles over my stomach, giving me butterflies.

His mouth soon followed after, kissing and licking small circles, retracing the steps his fingers just took, going higher and higher until he reached my bra. He tugged it gently until my breasts were exposed, and while his mouth teased one nipple, licking and biting gently, his hand played with the other, flicking and twisting slightly.

A loud moan escaped my mouth. This was the furthest Seth and I had been, and he was very good at what he did.

“I think,” he said, his voice husky, “that the question isn’t whether I know what to do with you, but rather if you can handle me.”

“Is that right?” I asked, rising up and pushing him back down. “I always rise to the challenge.” I said as I reached for his belt and tugged it off.

Now normally I was all about foreplay. I knew the longer the build up, the better the release. But it had been so long since I had gotten any action, that I just couldn’t put in the time. It seemed Seth couldn’t wait either, because as soon as his pants were down, he handed me a condom, and as soon as the condom was on, I lowered myself onto him.

It wasn’t perfect. I was never really good at riding guys, so it took a little while to find the right rhythm, but as soon as we did… Wow. That’s all I can say, is just wow…

We ended up passing out on the deck together, wrapped tightly in the blanket. I woke a few hours after, to Seth carrying me into the house and laying me down in a warm comfortable bed.

It really was an amazing start to what I hoped would be an amazing weekend.

Just a heads up

I'm having a little issue with blogger lately... It started on Friday, it kept giving me a timing out error, and occasionally would let me in, but then would eventually end up timing out. I also can't visit other blogs on blogger. Today I'm able to access it through Internet Explorer, but yesterday both IE and Firefox were being funky. I don't know if this is an issue everyone is having, or if it's just me (I heard from a reader that she's been having issues commenting) I don't know what's going on or when it will be fixed. I have next weeks posts up and scheduled to go, so I should be OK, but please email me and let me know if you are having any issues with blogger: Nothingmorethanlaura@gmail.com

Thanks guys!

Yeah, I missed you..

Life moved on, rather quickly actually. Toni came back home, looking more pregnant, the house looked amazing, Drew and I still weren’t talking, and Jason left. Jason leaving was actually a lot harder on me than I expected it too. The hole that Drew left was somewhat filled by Jason. We still had our awkward moments, and sometimes it was hard to be around him, it certainly wasn’t perfect. But I really believe had Drew and I quit talking and Jason hadn’t been here, I would have totally fallen apart.

I didn’t talk about Drew. It was a sore spot and everyone knew it. Even Toni didn’t poke at it much. I knew what she thought, that we were both being babies and needed to just be locked in a room together until we worked it out, but for the most part, she kept her mouth shut.

Jason leaving brought a fresh batch of tears, but it also meant I had no reason to go over to Nick and Toni’s, which meant I saw Drew less. Sometimes this was harder, but it was also a relief. It was awkward whenever he and I were in the house together, and it made it strained and awkward for everyone else.

Chloe was on the mend, finally. It really was touch and go there for a minute, with Seth putting long hours in at the hospital. I stopped by occasionally, to visit and to also bring their family fresh cooked meals. I tried not to stay too long, wanting them to have their privacy. Seth miraculously managed to make time for me, even though I never asked or expected it. Our relationship flourished, and that also made the Drew separation easier. The closer I got to Seth, the less I thought about Drew, and the more I realized I had made the right decision.

Matt and Jarren were also seeing each other a lot. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that. Jarren was actually showing growth and restraint, she wasn’t being all boy crazy like she usually was. She didn’t call Matt twenty times a day, she didn’t hang all over him, and she didn’t call off work whenever he had a day off to be with him. Still, it was just an odd pairing, and while they spent time together, I had never really seen them be affectionate towards each other. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to ask him about her. Our kiss had made things a little weird, and so I tried to stay away from anything that could make it seem like I was interested in him. Don’t get me wrong, kissing Matt was pretty hot, but I was trying to do this crazy thing where I only focused on one guy at a time.

Work was going full force, we were preparing for another summer at camp, and that meant interviews to sit in on and manuals to review and schedules to plan. Between work and Seth and helping Toni take care of the kids, I was pretty busy. So busy, that I almost told Seth no when he called me to make plans for our late Valentine’s day celebration.

“I just don’t know Seth, there’s so much to do, and who’s going to help Toni take care of the kids?”

“It’s only one day off work, El. We leave early Friday, come back late Sunday. I already talked to Nick, he’ll be here Friday night. Drew can help Toni during the day. They’re ahead of schedule on the house, it’s not going to hurt anything.”

“I just don’t know.” I said, running my hand through my hair. Part of it was that I was busy at work, but another part was that I was a little afraid to be alone with Seth. I mean, we had spent time together, but honestly, this was one of my more slowly progressing relationships. With Jason and Drew, we moved pretty quickly, and Jacob and I had been thrown into something fast as well. Again, I was still a little sore from Drew, and I just didn’t want to fall in love again, only to be left picking up the pieces.

“Ella, the weather is FINALLY gorgeous. We haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time together, you leave for camp soon for pretty much the whole summer… Just promise me you’ll ask? I understand your job is important, and if you can’t get away, we’ll figure something else out. But please, just ask?”

“OK.” I caved. “I’ll ask my boss tomorrow.”

“Good. Let me know what he says so I can go ahead and make plans.”

I smiled at the excitement in his voice. “You’re still not going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope. It would ruin the surprise.”

“Well, maybe if I knew where we were going, I’d be more inclined to take a day off.” I teased.

“Or it could work the other way. Maybe I’m taking you to a total dump.”

“Well… When you put it that way, I think I have other plans.” I laughed.

Work the next day was so crazy and hectic I almost forgot to ask my boss for the day off, and when I realized I hadn’t yet, I was almost afraid too. Prepping for camp was a stressful time, with a lot to get done. I ended up putting it off for so long that I had to chase after his car as he was leaving to ask.

Much to my surprise, he ended up waving me off.

“Oh sure. You need a little vacation before this summer starts. Just write the date on my calendar so I remember. See you tomorrow!” He called as he drove off.

So. No more excuses, I was going away with Seth.

He was clearly happy when I called to tell him the news.

“Maybe we can leave Thursday night in order to have more time there. I hate the fact that a good chunk of our weekend will be spent driving…”

“Well now you need to tell me where we’re going.”

“Nope, Ella, I said surprise and I mean it.”

“But how will I know what to pack?” I whined.

“Pack comfortable clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty, but maybe a dress in case we have a night out. OK?”

“Fine.” I pouted. “Am I going to need any pillows or blanket or anything?”

“Nope.” He answered.

“Fine. Thursday night it is then.” I answered.

I went over to Toni’s house to make arrangements.

“That sounds like a lot of fun. Just talk to Drew and make sure he’s down to help out.” Toni said after I gave her the plan.

“Why can’t you ask him?”

“I’m not the one going away.” She said.

“And I’m not the one who needs help with my kids.” I countered.

“If you don’t want to help me out, then you don’t have too.” She shot back.

Toni had become more and more sensitive as her pregnancy went on. I couldn’t believe that we still had many more months of this. I hoped it eased down, but I feared that it would only get worse.

“Toni, I love your kids, and I love you, and I don’t mind helping you. I know you’re just trying to get Drew and I to make amends. But it’s not going to happen. You were the one who suggested I get some space from him. Why are you pushing this so hard?”

“It’s just… Weirder than I thought it would be. And, I figured you guys would get over this faster. You two are just so… Hostile and cold towards each other. It’s weird, and I’m over it.”

“Well, it’s just how it has to be right now. Now I hate to sound really rude, but I’m leaving Thursday night, and it’s up to you to make arrangements for help.”

“Fine.” She said.

“OK then.” I answered. I knew she was upset, but I also knew the majority of it was pregnancy hormones that would blow over.

I left the house and walked out into the brisk night. Seth was right when he said the days were gorgeous again. It had been sunny and breezy, perfect spring weather. But the night air still carried a bite, and I regretted not bringing a sweater or jacket, even for the brief walk home.

I walked into the house to find Jarren and Matt sitting together on the living room sofa, watching some movie. I stood quietly at the door, watching them. Matt’s arm was slung carelessly around Jarren, and her head was leaned on his chest. I felt a jealous pang for a brief second. For one, Matt and I had made out on that sofa, and for two… Well. While Matt and Jarren didn’t have a lot of chemistry that I could see, they did seem like it was easy to be around each other. They didn’t seem to do all the second guessing I seemed to do.

“Oh hey.” Matt said, glancing over his shoulder and spotting me. “What’s up? You wanna come watch with us?”

“No. Just wanted to stop in and say hi. It’s been kind of a rough night… I might go out for a little bit, I need to pick up some things. Seth invited me on a trip this weekend… I’m leaving Thursday.”

“What happened? And where are you going?” Matt asked.

“Just got into it a little bit with Toni. She keeps trying to push me to talk to Drew. It’s not going to happen.”

Matt nodded.

“And I’m not sure where we’re going. He won’t tell me, he says it’s a surprise.”
“Need me to watch Cumulus?”

“I dunno. I think I might ask if we can bring him, but we’ll see. Thanks for the offer either way.”

“OK.”

“Alright, well. I’m heading out. You guys need anything from the store?”

“No, I think we’re good.” Matt said, and I watched Jarren snuggle into Matt’s chest.

“Alright then…” I said, standing there for a beat longer, and then turning to leave.

I made sure I grabbed a jacket before I headed back out to my car. The jacket warmed my arms but did nothing to warm my heart. On nights like these, I couldn’t help to feel lonely. I almost wanted to call Seth up and ask him to come over, but if he asked why, what could I say? I couldn’t be lonely when my house had other people in it, could I? How could I explain that the fight with Toni had made me question my decision to cut Drew off all over again? I’m not even sure Seth knew I wasn’t talking to Drew, Drew was just something he and I didn’t discuss. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, and headed out alone.

Jason's POV: I never meant to hurt you... I never meant to make you cry

I was in the bathroom that Drew had sledge hammered earlier, sweeping up piles of tiles and trying to get it prepped for work in the morning when I heard the downstairs door slam.

“Uh. Hello?” I called, confused. Drew had just left. Why was he back already, and why was he so pissed off.

“It’s just me. Sorry, I don’t know why I came in here.” Ella called, coming up the stairs. I could tell by the look on her face that she was upset.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, setting down the broom.

I could have guessed before I even asked. Drew had been in a funk lately, and he was taking it out on Ella. I felt bad for her, but I also couldn’t blame Drew. Of course, I wanted to punch him for being a dick, but I tried to stay out of it for the most part. I know there were times in the past where he probably wanted to punch me. He probably should have punched me, but he stayed out of it then, and now I’m trying to return the favor.

“I just can’t wrap my head around how fast things can and do change. He’s like a completely different person. It all seemed to happen overnight.” She said, shaking her head.

“He’s just going through a lot right now.”

“I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. It’s like you, all over again. You were my best friend, and then you changed. Now he is too.”

“It’ll be OK.”

“I’m not so sure it will be, Jay. I just told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I never thought I would say something like that to Drew. I just think it’s best for right now. Hopefully it won’t be for forever. But…” She shrugged and shook her head sadly. “I just don’t know anymore.”

I stood there awkwardly for a second, not really sure what to tell her or how to make things better. I wanted to help, but I just didn’t know how.

“Wanna go grab some food?” I asked.

“No. I’m not really hungry. I think I’m just gonna go on home.” She said.
I nodded. I wanted her to stay, but let her walk down the stairs and out the door.

I knew I should go back to cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, but now my head was somewhere else. Whenever I saw Ella, I couldn’t help but wonder where we might have been. I’d retrace the past in my head, and like a chose your own adventure story, I’d pick different outcomes, and see where we ended up. Sometimes we were in the same place we were now. Other times we were married, with kids. Those we my favorite. I knew I wasn’t totally to blame for where we were now. If only Ella had told me she was pregnant when she was, or if she had told me about the miscarriage sooner…. But I knew most of the blame fell upon my shoulders. I had been a jerk. I had changed. I had picked someone who wasn’t Ella. I still couldn’t tell you why I picked Kayla. I think because it was a sure thing. Kayla always made her feelings for me clear, Ella had been a little more complicated, a little more hidden. I knew where I stood with Kayla, it was a sure thing.

Of course, that makes me sound like a coward. Why else wouldn’t I have taken a chance? I’m not scared of many things. But Ella… I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of her, it’s just. Man, it’s just so complicated and hard to explain. I guess I just wanted to take the easy way out. I had been fighting for so long, with my Dad, in the Marines… I just wanted something quick and easy. Something simple. Ella is many things, but simple just isn’t one of them.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the phone ringing.

It was a private number, which probably meant it was Kayla. She’d been calling a lot lately. Sometimes under the guise of talking about the divorce, other times just to yell at me. Sometimes she called and didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t be sure it was her then. Maybe it was some other random person calling from a private number. But I had a feeling it was her.

She had lately been trying to push the idea of reconciliation, and counseling. I didn’t want to answer, usually she started out nice but ended up cursing me out, but I felt too bad to ignore her. I had cheated on her. Essentially wrecked her life. If yelling at me made her feel better, then… Well, let her yell.

“Hello?” I answered tentatively. Just because I let her yell at me doesn’t mean I like it.

“It’s me.” Kayla answered.

“I know.” There was a very awkward pause. It was almost comical that we were once married. What the hell did we say to each other?

“How are you?” She asked.

“Good. I’m in Ohio.” The second that slipped out of my mouth, I cringed. I knew she’d know that by being in Ohio, I was with Ella.

“Oh.” Was her response.

“Yeah, Nick and Toni bought a house here, I’m helping them fix it.” I left out the fact that it was down the street from Ella’s.

“That’s nice of you…” She trailed off. “I have some of your stuff. I don’t know what to do with it.”

“What is it?”

“Just randoms… Letters, pictures. A blanket. Just… Crap I guess.”

I wanted to ask her why she was really calling. We had already been over what she could do with my stuff.

“I guess just send it to my parents.” I said.

Another awkward silence.

“I uh… I went through the computer.” She had taken the desktop, Jason had gotten the laptop.

“Oh.” I said, wondering why it mattered.

“Yeah. I wanted to just clear it out. I found some of your stuff.”

“Oh.” I repeated. I rarely used the desktop, so I wasn’t quite sure where she was going with all of this.

“Dear Ella,” She began.

Crap. The letter I wrote Ella. I had done it on the desktop. I saved it… I don’t know why, I just did, but had buried it in folder after folder. I didn’t think she’d find it.

“I can’t sleep next to Kayla. It’s like sleeping next to a lie. I spend day after day with her, kissing her, telling her I love her, making love to her, and the whole time I’m just wishing it was you. I retrace my steps, trying to figure out where we went wrong, how the hell I got here. I think about our baby, and it hurts to know that you and I could have had something so wonderful, something that I’ll never get with Kayla. I miss you, and I know I messed up, but please know that I will fix it. I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way to make it up to you…” She trailed off.

“Kayla…”

“Why did you do it? Seriously Jason. You apologize to her over and over again, like she’s the only one you hurt by marrying me. You basically ruined my life, and yet over and over again, you just apologize to her.”

“Kayla, I told you I was sorry. I am. I didn’t want to hurt you, you’re a good person… An amazing woman.”

“If that were true you’d want to be with me.” She sniffled.

I didn’t know what to say. This is how it always started, she cried, I apologized, and then she was start the yelling. Sorry wasn’t good enough, she would scream. I knew she was right, but there was nothing else I could say or do. Sometimes I wondered if I should be taking her calls at all. Still, it seemed unfair to move on and leave Kayla in the dirt behind me… But, on the other hand, if I didn’t do that, would she move on at all?

“I miss you so much my body hurts.” She continued reading from the letter. “I can’t thinking of anything other than you, my mind and body are consumed by you. I think back to that day… Making love to you was like coming home. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, I don’t know why I didn’t try harder…” She was crying now. “Why didn’t you try harder with us? You had me. I’m not making you jump through hoops for me.”

“Kayla…”

“No, you listen to me Jason…” She sobbed.

“Kayla, I’ve been listening to you. I’ve been letting you yell at me and call me because I wanted to make you feel better. But it’s obviously not working. I know what I did to you was horrible. I do wish I could rewind time and take it all back. I wish I never hurt you. I can’t. And I think the best thing to do now is just to cut off contact. You need to let us go.”

“You ASSHOLE.” She started to scream, but I didn’t wait around to hear the rest. I simply hung up the phone.

Whatever Wednesday: Church will brainwash your children.

OK, so a few blog related things:

One, the layout is different. I know most of you said you liked the old one better, and I did too, but if I made the post titles too long it overlapped, and that drove me NUTS. And, with this layout, I can put back up things like the swidget and the my playlist, which I missed. (Though, please note, I made it so the playlist will NOT autostart. I know a lot of you read this at work, so I didn't want music blaring and all that. If you want to listen to it, you'll have to hit the play button yourself.)

I need to pimp swagbucks again, quickly. I'm not going to get into the deep details, I've talked about it before. If you haven't joined, you should. You win bucks by using their search engine (they also give out "codes" and if you shop online, you can sometimes go through their links and earn bucks that way too) Anyway, then you use the bucks online in their store. It's legit, I've gotten tons of amazon cards from them (at least 50 bucks worth, if not more) as well as restaurant.com gift certificates. Sometimes it takes a little while to save up the bucks, but if you're searching anyway, you might as well get something for it. Sign up through my link and I'll also earn any bucks you win (up to 1,000 bucks I believe)


Also, ebates is a good thing for any of you who shop online frequently. You get five bucks for signing up, and then if you go to their website and shop through their links, you can a certain amount of cash back. Sometimes it isn't much, 1 or 2% of what you're spending. Sometimes it's more. But again, if you're shopping anyway, you're getting money back, and that's always nice. Sign up through my link, and I get 5 bucks for every member: http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=yVeVNA%2BxNf8PgHgixqDiyQ%3D%3D

Just so you guys know, I will never refer you guys to anything I myself don't use. Everything I use is legit. I seriously LOVE saving money, I consider it my job since I don't work outside the home. A lot of things I hear about come from this great blog called Freebies4mom. Look her up on facebook, even if you're not a mom!

Moving on. Saturday, I spent the WHOLE day with my in laws. Can you say UGH? My father in law is doing OK. Still not eating like he should, but... I mean, I can't really do anything about that and I'm tired of letting it get to me. My mother in law? Sucks. It could be worse, I've heard some horror stories lately, she's more annoying that anything. But it's SO exhausting being around her. It's just non stop questions about EVERYTHING I do, or if Cayden is OK, if he's hot, if he's cold, if he needs changed, if he's hungry. "You need to watch him!" Over and over. And just... Dumb ass questions. I've started just being totally sarcastic to her. I mean, I know it's not the most mature way to handle it, but it's fun for me. Like she asked me if my Mom played with him when he was over at her house. And I was like, no, she just locks him in the closet. Like what the hell? Then, the icing on the cake? We told her we were going to church on Sunday. She told me not to bring Cayden because they'd brainwash him!

My view on religion is kinda... My own view. I won't go into it, I hate sparking political debates, but I just feel that personally Church isn't where I tend to find God. I wanted to go because sometimes it's nice to go, to pray with some other people, and hear stories.... But Mary Anne implying that they'd brainwash Cayden? First, that's just idiotic, secondly it just kills me that she repeatedly implies over and over that I don't want the best for my son.

Then she brought up more kids. And I told her we weren't having any more. Which is mean, but it's like, really, the only reason I don't want to get pregnant, is her. I wouldn't let it stop me from getting pregnant, but... I really don't think it's her business whether or not I decide to have more kids. She only had one, and if she wanted lots of Grandkids, maybe she should have made more of her own children to create them. I just shared so much of my last pregnancy with everyone, I was really open about it and all "You guys can come over any time" and invited everyone to a 3d ultrasound where we found out the sex. I just think this next time I want it to be more private. My hope is to get pregnant this month, so that I can tell everyone around Mother's Day. I'll a little shy of 12 weeks then, and usually we all get together for a lunch (Jeremy's parents and my Mom) I want to bring Cayden in tee shirt that says "Big Brother" and see how long it takes them to notice. Of course, I realize that you make plans and God laughs, so I'm just hoping He thinks mine is a good idea and will play along :-) Honestly though, you guys will probably be the first to find out. I'll probably come on here screaming about it. Anyone have any cute ways to tell my husband? Last time I was just so shocked and excited I kinda blurted it out to everyone. This time I want to do something more special. I hope it's this month. I really do. I started cramping a little today, which I took as a good sign. IF I cramp, I normally don't cramp until RIGHT when my period starts (literally, I feel cramps, I run to the bathroom with a tampon.) I googled it (google is both a blessing and a curse!) and it could be implantation bleeding. I dunno, it's hard living in a world that's so technically savvy, because I google and read articles on EVERYTHING. And they all vary. Some are very optimistic, some are not. I've never been so in tune with my body... It's like at the end of my pregnancy... Every twitch, every pang, every little move is a sign.

Here's my question though, has anyone out there find out they were pregnant and had NO pregnancy symptoms? And, anyone with multiple children, were your pregnancy symptoms the same with each pregnancy?

Let's see, what else is going on? Health care passing. Which, I don't really want to talk about, it tends to spark SO many debates, and really I'm sick of the whole thing. And I can't debate either, because I haven't really looked into the specifics. I agree overall that we NEED health care for all. EVERYONE'S basic needs SHOULD be met. People should have food, clothing, shelter, and health care. Again, I haven't read about it much, I don't know if this is the plan for us. But I am a fan of Obama. I have to applaud him for trying to DO something.

So that's my little song and dance on that.

Drew's POV: You've got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

I had gone out last night to celebrate Matt’s birthday, and was surprised to see that Ella was MIA. I was curious to where she was, but I didn’t want to ask about her. She had been so weird lately, and honestly, I was a little relieved that she wasn’t there. It was easier when she wasn’t around, as hard as that was to admit. There was a point in time where no matter how much it hurt to see her, it was better when she was around. Now, it was just hard, all the time, and as much as I wanted it to be easier, I couldn’t figure out how to make it easier.

Not that she was trying to help matters.

Still, even though I was glad she wasn’t there, and even though I didn’t want to ask where she was, I was still curious. Was she avoiding me? Was she still pouting? Was this another juvenile trick to make me wonder about her?

When I overheard Matt telling Jarren that she was with Seth, I got angry. And then I got angry because I was angry. I shouldn’t care. Things were supposed to be over between us. She could see who ever she wanted, and so could I. I reasoned with myself that I was just upset that Christi wasn’t there. It was partly that, but again, partly because I always hated it when Ella dated anyone.

I didn’t stay out as long as I normally would have. I wanted to get some extra time in on the house, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to call Christi to take my mind off Ella. So I went home, and tried to ignore Seth’s car in Ella’s driveway as I drove past. It was harder to ignore his car still in her driveway this morning when I woke up.

I used my anger to fuel my demo work, pounding tile and pretending to be pounding Seth’s face. That, combined with texting Christi, made me feel better. Fuck Ella. Fuck Ella and this whole fucked up situation. I knew it was partly my fault too, but it was so much easier to blame her, rather than place the blame on the both of us. I was feeling better when my Mom called.

“Hi Drew!” She said, sounding actually excited to talk to me. “How’s it going bud?” This was also a new habit she had picked up since dating the guy with kids. She talked to me like I was four.

“Fine Mom. How are you?” I asked, tossing down my hammer and sitting on the toilet.

“Good, good. I was wondering when you’d be able to come for a visit?”

“Dunno, Mom. We’re really busy here. Trying to get the house ready and all.”

“Well, do you think you could make it away for just a couple days? The kids would really love to see you.”

“I don’t think so Mom. We’re kind of on a tight deadline with lots to get done.” I said, knowing I sounded distracted and not really caring.

“You’re brother and sister would like to see you Drew.” She repeated again.

“I’d really love to see them too, Mom. But they’re dead. You do remember they died, right? Or did you forget about them when you replaced them?”

She was quiet for a moment, and I could hear her trying to reign her anger in. Good old Mom, never showing any emotion.

“Drew, I would really like you to come see us.”

“Don’t think it’s going to happen Mom.” I repeated.

I knew I sounded harsh, but I didn’t really care. My Mom spent her whole life trying to act like I didn’t exist, like I was invisible. Now that she wanted to play Mommy, I wasn’t all that interested in playing son.

“Well.” She said, the excitement now drained out of her voice. “I wanted to wait till you came home to tell you, but… Well, I hope you can at least make it home for the wedding.”

“The wedding?” I asked, outraged. “Really Mom? You’re not even divorced yet!”

“Well thanks Drew, I’m pretty happy myself.” She countered.

“Yeah. Well. I gotta go.” I said, hanging up.

I went back to beating tile. When my phone rang a few minutes later, I eyed it warily. My Mom was pretty good at keeping her emotions hidden, but I always expected her to crack. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she was calling me back to tell me off.

I looked at the caller ID. Christi.

“Hey you.” I said, smiling as I answered.

“Hey yourself.” She responded. “I don’t have a lot of time to talk, I just wanted to see what you were up to tonight?”

“Nothing. How about you?”

“I have some studying to do, but part of it is actually watching some Disney movies. Wanna come over and watch with me?”

“Disney movies? I want to go to your school.” I joked.

“It’s all about subliminal messages in children’s movies. There’s an urban legend floating around the some Disney movies have subliminal sex messaging. We’re supposed to watch and write a paper.” She explained.

“Well, I’m down. You want me to pick up dinner on the way?”

“Sure. Or we could just order a pizza. What do you think, seven work for you?”

“Sounds perfect. See you then.” I said, hanging up.


Christi was quickly becoming the highlight of my life right now. I had never met anyone quite like her, except for Ella. Part of me was a little worried that I was just going after her because she was so much like Ella. She was in school to become a therapist for children, and her dream was to use animals in her therapy. Still, there were pieces of her that weren’t like Ella at all. Her straightforwardness, she loved to sing and was quite good at it… Her drama free lifestyle. It was easy to be with her, it was worry free. I liked her a lot already, and could only see it growing in the future.

I worked a little longer, wanting to get all the tile off the floor and the walls so we could begin laying tile tomorrow. I was amazed at how fast the house was coming together, especially now that Jason was here to help, and some of Seth and Christi’s friends were stopping by often. The bedrooms were done, and now we had moved on to the bathrooms. After the bathrooms, the whole upstairs would pretty much be done. Nick was hoping to start on the basement when he came down again on the weekend. We were holding off on the downstairs. Nick wanted to see how far we got, he didn’t want to start a project only to have the babies show up in the middle. The kitchen was probably going to be our biggest undertaking, and it might get pushed back until after the babies were born. I wished Toni was here to see the progress we had made. I knew it would make her feel better about the whole situation. But, she had decided to stay with her Mom a little longer, so she could spend some time with Nick after he got off work. He was going to bring her and the kids back, along with some more of their things when he came back on the weekend.
After I was done working, I hopped in the shower, and then got dressed for my date. I threw on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved polo. I wanted to look good, but didn’t want to look like I was trying. After all, it was just pizza and a movie.
I opened the door to step out and ran smack dab into Ella.

“Oh. Hey. Sorry about that. You here to see Jason?” I said, moving around her and down the steps.

“No, actually. I’m here to see you. Got a minute?”

“Nope. Heading out now. Besides, I thought you wanted space?” I answered. I was in full on dick mode. I didn’t care.

“Drew. Please?” She said, reaching out and touching my arm lightly. “It’s important and will only take a second.”

I paused and turned to look at her. Her eyes looked sad. I could never resist that. I sat down on the edge of the stairs. She smiled and sat down next to me.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I know what I said about space... And it’s what I thought I wanted, but now I’m just… Confused. Things between us got so weird so fast, we said it wouldn’t get like this.”

“But it is.” I said shrugging. “I don’t know how to change it.”

“Neither do I.” She answered, sighing. “You are just so confusing right now.”

“I’m confusing? You’re the one freaking out because I’m hanging out with another girl. You have a boyfriend Ella, and it’s not me.”

“First, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Not yet.” I countered.

“Whatever. He’s not right now. And secondly, you’re the one who broke up with me. You’re the one who told me you wanted to be with me, but not right now, because of your Mom. You’re the one who told me you’d wait for me. Then the first second another girl comes around, a girl who happens to remind Seth of me, by the way, you go after her.” She sounded agitated, angry.

“Ella, I already told you, I’m not arguing with you.” I said, standing to leave.

“You’re right.” She said. “I don’t want to argue either. But, I’m angry. I can’t help it. I’m so angry with you, and hurt, and just. Confused. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix this, I want to go back to how we were, but I can’t. I just don’t know how too, and I don’t want to believe that cutting you off is my only option.”

“So what is it that you want from me Ella? You want me to figure this all out for you? Fix this like I always use too? I told you, I don’t have the answers either. I’m just as clueless as you are right now.”

“I didn’t ask you to fix this! Jesus Drew, I’m just trying to talk to you. You remember talking, right? We used to do that all the time.”

“Yeah, well. Things change.” I said, thinking of both Ella and my Mom.

“Oh trust me Drew, I know that.” She said, sarcastically. “Just look at you. It’s like you and Jason suddenly swapped personalities. He’s caring and nice to me, and you’re a walking talking dick.”

“Why are you even comparing us Ella? I’ve been nothing but nice to you. I’m sorry you’re not getting your way right now, but I think it’s time you grew up and moved on. Stop throwing temper tantrums when people don’t do what you want.”

“Right Drew. You’re right. It’s totally time to grow up and move on. I’m just done with this. You used to be my go-to person. If I had a problem, you understood. And now, you’re just… Mean. I meant it when I said I don’t want to fight with you. I really don’t. But now, the fact of the matter is,I think my first decision was best. I don’t even want to be your friend. Bye Drew. This is me, moving on.”

With that, she stood and walked inside the house, slamming the door behind her.

I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. Told myself the whole way over to Christi’s house. Who needed her anyway? Lately all Ella had been doing was causing a huge source of stress in my life. But if it didn’t matter, then why did it hurt so much?

They say bad things happen for a reason

After I got off the phone with Seth, I went to the kitchen to dig around for something to make for dinner. He didn’t ask me too, but I knew when I was stressed and dealing with emergencies, meals were the first thing to go. I just didn’t think about them. So I wanted him to have a good meal waiting for him.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have much. I had been so busy dealing with the Toni situation that I had also neglected to go to the grocery store. I pulled out a frozen Stouffers lasagna Toni had bought, and also some breadsticks. I knew she wouldn’t care if I ate her food, and I’d try to get to the store tomorrow to replace it.

I was just placing the lasagna in the oven when I heard a knock on the door.
“C’mon in!” I called.

I heard Seth open the door and walk through the house. He looked good, a leather bomber jacket, a tee poking out under it, and jeans. But he also looked…. Worn, and tired.

“Hey.” He said, giving me a weak smile.

“Hey yourself. You don’t look so good. Why don’t you sit down? I’m making some dinner…”

“Oh. Thanks.” He said, still standing. “Can you leave it? I mean, can we go talk in the living room?”

“Sure. It’s got a little bit.” I said, following him out. He collapsed on the sofa, and I sat next to him.

“So, you’re probably wondering what’s going on, huh?” He asked, inspecting his nails.

“Yeah. I’m a little curious.”

“I didn’t want to tell you. I mean not yet anyway. For one, Chloe asked me not too… And, I know you’re going through some of your own stuff right now. But, I had an issue with girlfriends in the past… I’d disappear on a family emergency and they’d think I was cheating. I mean I can’t blame them, it can happen quite a bit, and I never really offered an explanation…”

“Chloe’s sick, isn’t she?” I asked softly.

He nodded.

“It’s cancer. It’s always cancer, isn’t it? I mean it’s a horrible story really. Chloe had messed around in high school, gotten herself in some trouble from time to time. It was hard for her, she was a pretty girl dealing with jealous mean girls. She acted out.” He shrugged. “But she was finally getting herself together. Applying for colleges and stuff. But she kept getting sick. She could never really say what was wrong, I just remember her saying a lot ‘I just don’t feel good.’ Finally my Mom made her go to the doctor…” He trailed off. “I don’t really want to talk about the details. When she got diagnosed we all quickly became experts at something we wish we knew nothing about. I mean they throw all these things at you at once, use textbook words, and it’s sink or swim. You either become an expert or you stand around being clueless.” He stopped. His blue eyes looked so sad.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, reaching for him.

“It’s not your fault. I mean for awhile, I was pretty pissed off at everyone. Why us? Why my sister? I mean she’s done some bad stuff, but nothing to be worthy of this. And it’s not just the fear of losing her to it, though I am terrified every time my phone rings that it’s going to be my Mom telling me that Chloe’s gone… But it’s also watching her go through this horrible procedures. I mean to save her they have to damn near kill her first. I hate seeing her like that, it’s so hard on her, and to be perfectly selfish, it’s hard on me too. I mean anticipating the worst all the time, trying to remain optimistic when she’s sick and miserable… Dropping my life at the drop of a hat whenever she gets sick, so I can be with her, just in case it is the last time. Sometimes as horrible as it sounds, I wish it was just over. One way or the other, either get let her go, or get her better, because this limbo is killing us all. But then after I think that, I feel horrible. She’s my sister, and I love her.”

“Well, I mean, I don’t think it’s so horrible. I don’t think you want her to die, you just don’t want her to be in pain.” I said.

“Yeah.” He said.

He looked so tired that I pulled him so his head was done in my lap. I did what my Mom used to do to me when I was younger and stressed… I alternated between tugging gently on his hair, and scratching/rubbing his scalp. We sat there, quietly for awhile, until the oven beeped and I got up to get the lasagna out. As I was setting the table, Seth came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Thank you, so much, for everything.” He said, his voice a little hoarse. “Thank you for being so nice to Chloe, even before you knew she was sick, and thank you so much for just listening and being there for me tonight, and thank you for just being you.”

“You’re so welcome hon.” I answered, turning around to give him a long kiss.


We ate dinner in almost complete silence. It wasn’t a bad thing, I think Seth just needed quiet to decompress. After dinner, Seth started to clear the plates.
“Just leave them. Can you stay for awhile, or do you need to get back?” I asked.

“I can stay.”

“Wanna watch a movie?” I asked.

“That would be great.”

Seth ended up spending the night, but it wasn’t what I had originally planned when I had asked him to spend the night when we were at the club. We didn’t even sleep together… He fell asleep on the couch, and as much as I wanted to stay smushed on the couch with him all night, I also wanted to make sure he got a good nights sleep… Which is also why I didn’t wake him to move him to my bed, I just wanted him to rest.

I woke up the next morning to Seth gently shaking me.

“Hey.” I said, rubbing my eyes. “Is everything OK? Did you sleep alright? I wanted to wake you but you looked like you needed the sleep.”

“Last night was exactly what I needed, thank you… But I feel bad. I forgot all about Valentine’s day, and I know last night wasn’t very romantic…” He trailed off, and he looked so sad.

“Seth, it was fine. Valentine’s day isn’t that big of a deal anyway, and you and I really just met, so that’s a tricky situation. Plus, you have a lot going on.”

“I know, but you have a lot going on too, with the Toni situation and then all your ex boyfriends are around, and that’s gotta bring up some feelings, even if you’re over them. I guess I’m just a little worried. I mean I’ve had girlfriends in the past who just couldn’t handle my dedication to my family. At first they all say it’s really sweet and they really admire it… But it never fails to eventually take a toll on our relationship. While that sucks, I’m just not willing to ditch my family for a girl, you know? But, I really like you, I don’t want that to happen with us.”

“And I can’t promise that it won’t happen.” I said honestly. “I mean, right now I do think it’s sweet. I like to think I have that same sort of dedication to my friends and family, but I’ve also never been in a situation like this before, so I don’t know if I can handle it or not. But, I’m willing to try. I like you too.”
“I do want to make it up to you… Think you can get away for a weekend? I know it’s a little soon for weekend trips away, but I need a break after all this, and I’m sure you do too. It’d be a couple weeks, when Chloe’s hopefully on the mend…”

“I’m sure I could manage it.” I said smiling.

“Good. I’ll check into some things and let you know when.”

“Where we going?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise.” And before I could protest, he leaned down and kissed me.

I normally hate kissing first thing in the morning. I’m extremely paranoid about morning breath, but Seth crawled into bed and we kissed and cuddled for awhile. It made me half an hour late for work, but it was well worth it. The ache I felt over the weekend over Drew was replaced with a warmth and happiness of Seth. I knew I needed to talk to Drew though, needed to tell him that I needed time and space. I needed to give Seth a real chance, because I did like him, he did make me happy, and Drew had obviously moved on anyway. It still hurt, but I knew Toni had been right… I needed to have some faith. I had a lot of regrets from Jason, but I couldn’t sit around worrying about every move I made. If anything, that’s what I did wrong with Drew, over thinking everything. I needed to just let things happened. Maybe I’d end up with Seth, maybe I’d end up with Drew. Maybe I wouldn’t end up with either one. It would all work out in the end. Right?

When a heart breaks no it don't break even

“Oh, hey Christi. Sure we can talk, what’s up?”

She smiled, a wide friendly smile that seemed like it took up half her face, but not in an unattractive way. She sat down in the seat across from me, and I got my first really good look at her. It may seem odd, she had been hanging around all day yesterday, but I don’t think I ever really took her in. She was pretty, with shoulder length curly hair. She had a tiny little nose that set in the middle of her face, and her eyes were big and blue, framed by long eyelashes.

“We just haven’t really got a chance to talk yet, and… I don’t know. I know things can get weird, I’m a good friend of Seths, and ex-girlfriend, and I know in the past girls Seth have dated have had issues with that. I figured you know where I’m coming from… I mean Drew said you were one of his best friends, so I know you know what it’s like… I have no feelings for Seth, not in that way. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I come in peace.” She finished with another one of her big smiles.

Her words felt sincere, which normally would have made me feel much better. I wouldn’t have to worry about ex-girlfriend drama, or friends falling in love with friends. But I didn’t want her to be nice. I didn’t want to like her. I wanted to hate her just as much as I hated this whole situation.

“Aw, well thanks for the reassurance!” I said, aware of how fake my words sounded, but unable to make them any better. “I, uh, really do appreciate it. Maybe sometime you and I could go and hang out? I could always use more girl friends.” I finished with a weak smile of my own. Why did I say that? I didn’t want to be her friend.

“Sounds good! I hang with mainly guys myself, and while I like it, it’s usually more drama free than girls, they don’t really like to go shopping or see chick flicks with me.”

I nodded, unsure of what else to say. We sat there in awkward silence for a second.
“Well.” She said, slapping her legs. “I better get back to work. You can ask Seth for my cell number.”

“Yeah, and you can always get mine from Drew.” I said. As soon as the words hit the air, I had to fight the urge to cringe at the sound of it.

“OK then. See you later!” She said, waving as she walked out of the room.

I sat there for a moment, and realized I wasn’t going to get any work done today. I picked up my phone and fingered the numbers gently. I wanted so badly to call Toni, but I didn’t want to put any added pressure on her. After a moments hesitation, I decided to call her anyway. I wouldn’t say anything about what went on this weekend, but I’d check in on her. Maybe just hearing her voice would make me feel better.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey Mama, how are you?” Keeping my voice happy and light.

“Ugh. I’m so sick of that question. I get asked it about twenty times a second, I swear. That and ‘why don’t you go lay down’. But other than that, I’m good. What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Oh Ella, cut the crap, you aren’t fooling anyone. What’s going on?”

“I just miss you.” I joked.

“Uh huh, right. And I don’t miss alcohol in the least.” She paused. “You know, Nick told me a lot of it, so all you really need to do is fill me in on the parts he doesn’t know.”

“Toni, you don’t need this right now.”

“No,” she said, her voice irritated. “This is exactly what I need. Something to get my mind off bed rest and babies and helping someone else so I don’t feel like such an invalid.”

I hesitated for a moment, and then decided that Toni was right. My decision may have been slanted by my own selfish need to vent, but I do think she probably wanted to stop being treated like a baby and handled with kid gloves. So I told her the whole story, except for the kiss with Matt. I agreed with what he had to say, it was a drunken moment and really had nothing to do with anything else.

“You know Ella,” she said when I finished. “You’re like the kid in the sandbox who doesn’t want anyone else to play.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“You and Drew agreed to date other people. You can’t get mad now that he’s doing it.”

“He said he was going to wait for me!” I protested.

“Yeah, and I agree, he shouldn’t have said that. It was a promise that he didn’t know if he could keep. But Ella, you started dating someone else first. And when Drew suggested you dating other people, you didn’t say ‘no, Drew, I don’t want anyone else.’ You can’t have your cake and eat it too, honey. It just doesn’t work like that.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” I whined.

“No. You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it. You need to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.” It sounded harsh, and it did hurt my feelings a little, but Toni was just being her, which was blunt and to the point. She wasn’t trying to be mean.

“It’s hard Toni. I have real feelings for three different guys, and I’m just so scared that I’m going to make the wrong choice.”

“Ella, don’t you notice that it’s when you try to take control of everything that your life falls apart? Whatever happened to ‘we’ll see where this takes us?’ You CAN’T predict the future, you CAN’T know the outcome of things, all you can do is enjoy the here and now, and make what you feel is the best decision for you. If you keep going like this, it won’t matter who you decide to pick. Because not only are all the guys going to get fed up with the games you’re playing, but even if you make a choice, you’re going to look back and only have memories of stress and strife.”

“I’m not trying to play games Toni.”

“You may not be trying too, but you are. The getting Drew’s clothes together? The dressing up to make him jealous? C’mon Ella, those are games, and you know it, and he knows it, and he called you out on it.”

“I just… I think I need some space from him. I can’t be near him without feeling so sad and angry and jealous.”

“And that’s fine, El. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some space, but the way you did it.. Well, it was very passive aggressive. You just need to go to Drew and tell him, you need your space. Or better yet, just take the space. Drew is a very perceptive person, I’m sure he’ll take the hint.”

“I just. Wish there was a rewind button. I don’t know if I would have ever dated Drew. This whole thing turned into such a mess and now everything is ruined.”

“Oh Ella. You need to get some faith. Everything is going to turn out OK. I mean look at you and Jason, you guys are starting to be friends again. I mean maybe you won’t end up with Drew in the end, but I really believe that someday you guys will be friends again, and you’ll be able to look back on this and smile.”

“I sure hope so.” I said, not really believing it.

We chatted for a few moments, about the kids, how her Mom was driving her nuts and she was ready to come back home. Then we got off the phone.

I felt a little better after I got off the phone with her, but I also realized I had been acting like a complete jerk. I worked for a little bit longer, trying to get some of this stuff out of the way for Toni, then stood and went to find Drew.
Thankfully, he was alone.

“Hey.” I said, and he turned around.

“Ella, don’t. I’m done.” He said, holding up his hands.

“I know… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been fair, lately. I wanted to apologize. It’s hard to see you with another girl.”

“Yeah, well. It was hard to see you with another guy.” He said dismissively. He bent to pick up his paintbrush and went back to painting.

“That’s why I think it’s best if we just give each other some space. I’ve been trying to tell myself I’m OK with this, but I’m not.”

He stopped for a second, and looked at me, studying me closely.

“Alright.” He said slowly. “If that’s what you want.” And with that, back to painting he went.

I didn’t know what else to say, so I left the room. I was a little disappointed, I was expecting something… An outburst maybe? I don’t know. But I left feeling hollow and disappointed.

I went to the bakery and picked up Matt’s cake, as well as lunch for everyone. After happy birthday was sung and we had eaten, I left to go home. I took the sewing with me, enjoying the quiet of the house while I worked. I could breathe easier, and I locked my mind on my work, enjoying the distraction. With this working environment, I actually finished my work, right as Matt was walking in the door.

“Happy birthday!” I shouted at him as he came in. He smiled. I stretched, my muscles sore from sitting so long.

“Thank you!” He said back smiling.

“How’d it go?”

“Good. We’re done, believe it or not. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but especially with the extra help, they’re ahead of schedule. Everyone’s making plans to come back next weekend, and a few of the guys said they’d stop by in between classes and stuff. They’re real nice.”

“Well good. Does that mean the house is almost done?”

“Eh. I mean, right now it’s livable. The bedrooms are done. Some other things are going to take longer. Toni has big plans for their master bathroom. She wants the basement finished and the kitchen re-done. Those things are going to take longer, but I think she’s just happy the bedrooms are done so they can sleep there. Nick told me those other things are more long term goal things.”

“Mmm.” I said. Then my phone rang.

“I’m gonna go grab a shower, then some of us are headed to dinner. You wanna come?” He asked.

I glanced at my phone. “No. This is Seth. He’s supposed to come over tonight.”
“Oh. Well. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” He called over his shoulder on the way to the bathroom.

“Hey.” Seth said. “I can be over in fifteen. Cool?”

Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess

The next morning I woke up with my head pounding, and laser beams of light shooting through my window.

“Oh go figure.” I mumbled to myself as I crawled toward the window and pulled shade down. “The one random day of sunshine in Ohio during the winter just HAS to be today.” I fell back into bed, harder than I meant too, and sent tremors of pain soaring from my head down my body.

“Fuck. What did I do last night?” I said outloud, and for a few blissful moments, I really couldn’t remember.

Then it came back to me, like crime scene snapshots, a few prized moments flashed in my head: Seth leaving, me finding Drew with Christi, drinking, dancing, Jason being nice to me. Kissing Matt.

“Oh no.” I groaned, pulling the blanket up over my head. “Why did I do that?” I whined to myself.

“Are you talking to yourself?” I heard someone ask.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Please don’t tell me I slept with him. Please. Why do I do this? Why do I always have to find a way to make a fucked up situation even more fucked up?

I peeked out of the blankets, and sure enough, Matt was standing in the doorway.

“Did we….Did you…” I said, unsure of how to finish it. “Did you sleep in here last night?”

“No.” He said, chuckling as he sat on the edge of the bed. “You feeling OK?”

“I don’t know. Not really. Look, about last night…”

“Ella, we were both drunk. You were upset. I was lonely, it was bound to happen. It’s OK. Nobody else needs to know about it, it was just a random thing. A mistake.”

My heart got a little bruised when he said a mistake.

“Oh… OK.” I paused for a moment. “Do you think I should tell Seth?”

“No. I think that’s just going to make everything worse. Besides, you two aren’t exclusive yet, are you?”

“No.” I said, thinking back on the conversation we had last night. “I told him I thought we were headed in that direction, but we weren’t there yet.”

“Well, then you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean normally I’m all for honesty, but I think in your case right now… I dunno, Seth has enough of your guy friends to worry about and be wary of.” He shrugged. “It was just a random thing. Why worry him? We’ll just make sure neither one of us are drunk together again.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah. Well. I’m not drinking again for a long long time.” I said, feeling my head beat back at the mere thought of alcohol.

“OK. Well. I’m going to get ready to head over to the other house.”

“Yeah… I better attempt to do that too.” I grumbled. I think it went without saying that I REALLY didn’t want to go. My poor stomach was under assault, and the mere thought of seeing Drew made it do flips.

“Alright, well. See you there.” He said, getting off the bed and heading towards the door.

“Hey Matt?”

“Yeah?” He said, turning around.

“Happy birthday.” I said, smiling at him.

“Thanks.” He said, smiling and leaving the room.

I groped for my cell phone, planning to check the time and also to call a bakery and order a cake for Matt’s birthday. I saw that I had two missed calls from Seth. I dialed his number, hoping to sound normal when I talked to him. I didn’t want him to think I was some huge party girl.

“Hey, was wondering when I was going to hear from you.” Seth said, sounding amused.

“Yeah, hey…” I said, only it came out more like a croak.

“Ooh, rough night?”

“I guess. I don’t really remember most of it.” I replied, which, was true, after all. “How are you doing? Is everything OK?”

“Well…” He said his tone going from amused to serious and a little sad. “It’s been a rough night for me too.”

“What happened? Do you need something?”

“No… It’s OK…. Well, no. That’s a lie, it’s not OK.” He sighed and I heard the fatigue creep into his voice. “It’s a story that I don’t want to get into right now, but. I’m not going to be able to make it to the house today. The other guys said they’d still go… And if you’re free tonight, if it’s OK, I’d like to come over and talk.”

“OK. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

“No, but thanks for asking. I have to go now. I’ll text you later and let you know what time?”

“OK. Bye.”

I laid in bed for a moment, wondering what he could have to talk about. It didn’t sound like a good thing, but I also didn’t think it was a ‘I don’t want to see you anymore’ talk. This whole weekend was going to hell in a hand basket, and I wished for a magic remote to fast forward past all this crap.

I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Stepping out, I pulled my hair into a wet bun, pulled on a tee shirt and hoodie and reached for a pair of sweat pants. The first pair I grabbed were a pair of Drews. I used to wear them all the time when I was sad, rolling the waist up and tying them tight. They were, of course, way too big for me, but they were comfortable. Kind of like being in his arms.

The pain I felt thinking that hurt worse than the pounding in my head, and I think my brain’s way of coping was turning that pain into anger. I got pissed. I crashed through my room, still only half dressed, pulling through all my clothes. I found every tee shirt, sweatshirt, pants, shorts that didn’t belong to me but to one of the guys. I piled them in different bags. Jason had been right last night, I needed a fresh start, I needed to start over, and I couldn’t do it with all these reminders hanging around.

Then I got re-dressed. As crappy as I felt, well. Nobody else had to know that. I pulled my hair down, dried it and styled it. I pulled on a tight tee shirt that gave the appearance of me trying to be casual, but I knew that I looked sexy in it. It had a cut to shove cleavage, and it hugged my curves while hiding my rolls. I then picked my tightest pair of jeans and considered wearing heels, but nixed the idea. I stuck with my chucks. I put on my makeup, and piled the bags of the guys stuff in my car.

“Eat your heart out, Drew. I’m done with you.” I said, peeling out of my driveway and down the street.

I strode into the house with a confidence I was partially faking. I was good at doing that, when I had too, faking a sense of confidence, and even faking a sense of authority. It’s why I did so well with kids. Part of me just wanted to slink into the back room I had been working in, but instead, I went looking for Drew.

He, of course, was in a room with Christi, painting and laughing together.

“Hey Drewbie?” I said, standing at the doorway. My voice was light. “Can I borrow you for a second? I have some stuff out in the car for you.”

“Sure thing.” He said, looking at me with a guarded expression. “I’ll be right back.” He said to Christi as he followed me out and down to my car.

“What’s all this?” He asked with a puzzled expression as I handed him the bags.

“It’s all your stuff. Mainly clothes, but there’s a few other things in there.”

“Ella, why are you doing this?” He asked, looking exasperated. “Are you trying to make some sort of point?”

“No, Drew. YOU made the point, you made it last night loud and clear. I heard it, I got you, ten four, roger that good buddy!” I said. I tried to keep my voice light and joking, but I knew my anger was leaking through and staining my words.

“Again, Ella. Juvenile. You keep throwing temper tantrums like this when you don’t get your way, and nobody is going to want to be around you.” He said, turning to walk inside.

“Whatever Drew!” I called back. I wanted to say more, to slam him with an insult of my own, but I didn’t know to say.

So instead I called the baker, and ordered Matt a birthday cake, and then I slunk back in the house, my tail between my legs, my confidence balloon popped. I went back to my room, and started working. I wanted to call Toni, to talk to her, vent, to get advice, but I knew she needed to rest, and not to be bothered with my petty problems. This time, I really was on my own, but I desperately wanted to talk to someone.

Then I felt someone enter the room, and I turned to see who it was.

“Hey. Can we talk for a second?”

And it of course, was the last person I wanted to talk too.

Whatever Wednesday: What an ASSHOLE!

Saturday, my cousin called and said she had Hockey Tickets. She had gotten her wisdom teeth pulled and didn't feel like going to the game. She had gotten them free (she sometimes baby sits for a pilot who flies the Jackets. He holds season tickets and when he can't use them, he sometimes passes them on to her.) She asked if we wanted them. We, of course, said yes, because the seats are AWESOME and we haven't gone to a hockey game all year (my husband used to occasionally get free tickets through his work, but then he switched jobs. I don't want to pay a lot of money just to get crappy seats. Plus we'd have to pay for parking and find a sitter....)

Anyway, so we went. They had Rick Nash's Olympic jersey there along with his gold medal. You could go and look at it and take a picture with it, but of course there was a line. So, we get in line to wait at intermission, and there's this kid in front of me. And I'm kind of annoyed because this kid keeps... Well, the only word I have to describe it was dancing... He would step forward, step back, just kind of all over the place. And I wasn't really annoyed with him per say, more with his Dad, who wasn't watching him, and every time the line moved up and inch, he'd yell at his kids to come on! Like they were even going that far. Then we got up to nearly the head of the line, which was next to this glass window overlooking this practice rink. Highschoolers were practicing on it, and the kids went over to watch. They weren't bothering anything, they were like two feet from their Dad, we still had at least a 5 minute wait till we got up there, the kids were entertained... Most people would probably leave their kids there, right? Wrong. This guy kept yelling at his to "Come ON!" and again, it's not like he was asking, he was yelling.

So then he starts griping about how people are taking too long (which, I mean, I'm an impatient person. People were NOT being rude. They were snapping either one or two pictures, quickly, and moving on.) And then he tried to cut in front of like four people when we got close, he told his son "go on up there" but his son didn't.

So they finally get to the front of the line, and he has his two kids stand in front of the display. By this time, the game had started, and there was a loud noise. Well, there was clearly something off about his kid, I don't know is he had Aspergers, or maybe Autism (the game that night had some benefits going for Autism)but the poor kid got scared by the loud noise (he was older, maybe 10 or 11, old enough not to be scared by loud noises) and he put his hands up to his ear. His Dad started SCREAMING at him "Put your hands down! PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN!" and I mean, the look on that poor kids face is STILL with me. He just froze and made this awful face, you could tell he was scared and embarassed. Then his Dad took the picture (Nice memory for them, huh?) and yelled "C'MON!" and then you could hear him yelling at the kid all the way down back to their seats.

I wanted to say something so badly. But what do you say? I mean really I wanted to give the guy a swift kick in the nuts. Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be super Mom. I get annoyed with Cayden too, and I've snapped at him before, but I have NEVER yelled at him like that, and if I EVER saw that kind of look cross Cayden's face because of something I said or did? I'd kick my own ass. And I mean, again, there was clearly something going on with the kid. I get that it might be frustrating to deal with, I obviously don't know what it's like. But just... You guys should have heard the way that guy yelled. It just crossed a line from annoyed/frustrated/frazzle parent into... Well. Asshole.

And again, I wanted to say something, but I also didn't want to make it worse or embarrass the poor kid more.

I'm a big believer that everyone has their own parenting style. Some choose to be more strict, some choose to be softer. As long as your child is healthy, happy, and safe, well, that's all that matters, right? But there is no excuse, no rhyme or reason for you to yell at a child like that. Especially for something as stupid as that. A "Hey, Jack, can you put your hands down bud?" probably would have worked a LOT faster than what he did.

Anyway. My Mom told me that day too, that she thought I was a good Mother. Which... Was probably the best compliment I've ever received. My Mom is a pretty closed off person, and I dunno. I like to think I'm a good Mom, but if you asked me if my Mom thought I was a good Mom? I'm not sure I could have answered yes. It came totally out of the blue too, which just made it seem more valid. It also made me ache to be pregnant all over again. Before I had always been a little hesitant, a little scared. I mean it was the same thing with the first baby. You always wonder if you can handle it. And it's not like it's a puppy, who if you decide you can't handle it, you can find it a better home. You're stuck. Through the good and the bad. And when it's something that's completely unknown to you - I had never been up in the middle of the night with a baby, I didn't have much experience with babies, had only held a few, never really baby-sat any (I had dealt with children, but babies? Whole other story.) So I just didn't know if I could hack it. Then Cayden came, and while I had heard people talk about this unconditional love they have for their kids, it was the first time I ever experienced it. Get up in the middle of the night with my child? You bet. He needs me. How could I not? Clean up puke and poop and get peed on? I will now touch things I used to think you couldn't pay me too, because again, my son needs me too. My whole world starts and ends with him, he is everything I've ever wanted, he is the most amazing thing I've ever done, and I would do anything with him, no questions asked.

But number two... Well. How am I going to handle a toddler and an infant? Sure people do it all the time, but I've never done it. Get up in the middle of the night with my toddler (who is still not sleeping through the night) and my infant? Again, hesitant, nervous, and scared. Can I cut it? Can I do it? Can I love a second child as much as I love my first?

Well, my Mom's comment just made me realize, yes. To all of the above. I'll find a way to do it. Because I'm a good Mom, and that's what good Mom's do.

So now it's just the waiting game. Which is easier said than done. So articles you read tell you how easy it is to get pregnant. Other's say dismal things, like in reality you only have a 20% chance each month. Which, makes you wonder how anyone ever gets pregnant, and why the hell teens are getting pregnant so easily. It's kind of discouraging. I mean Jer and I have been trying for a little while now. Not seriously, mainly we were not trying not to get pregnant. But now it's full court press, and I don't know. I want to be optimistic. I want to hope, but I'm also kind of afraid to hope. Hope leads to disappointment. I know everyone says to relax and it'll happen, but anyone who's trying knows that's way easier said than done. I keep praying, and on top of praying for a happy healthy pregnancy & baby, I pray for patience, something I DESPERATELY need. I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen, that I have no real reason to believe it won't happen, but still... I just count myself as so lucky to have one healthy baby. So many women don't get that. Am I asking too much by wanting another?

I relate a lot to songs. I think there's always a perfect song for every moment. Cayden and I have two songs that I consider "ours" One is Return to Pooh Corner that I sing to him just about every night (It's hard to explain how a few precious things seem to follow throughout all our lives/after all said and done I was watching my son, sleeping there with my bear by his side/So I tucked him in, kissed him, and as I was gone/I swear that old bear whispered 'girl, welcome home.) And These Are The Moments. Every line in that song is just so true, and listening to it right now, it makes me cry.


Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

But again, I can't help but wonder... I am asking for more with another baby. Am I asking for too much?