Jason's POV: I never meant to hurt you... I never meant to make you cry

I was in the bathroom that Drew had sledge hammered earlier, sweeping up piles of tiles and trying to get it prepped for work in the morning when I heard the downstairs door slam.

“Uh. Hello?” I called, confused. Drew had just left. Why was he back already, and why was he so pissed off.

“It’s just me. Sorry, I don’t know why I came in here.” Ella called, coming up the stairs. I could tell by the look on her face that she was upset.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, setting down the broom.

I could have guessed before I even asked. Drew had been in a funk lately, and he was taking it out on Ella. I felt bad for her, but I also couldn’t blame Drew. Of course, I wanted to punch him for being a dick, but I tried to stay out of it for the most part. I know there were times in the past where he probably wanted to punch me. He probably should have punched me, but he stayed out of it then, and now I’m trying to return the favor.

“I just can’t wrap my head around how fast things can and do change. He’s like a completely different person. It all seemed to happen overnight.” She said, shaking her head.

“He’s just going through a lot right now.”

“I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. It’s like you, all over again. You were my best friend, and then you changed. Now he is too.”

“It’ll be OK.”

“I’m not so sure it will be, Jay. I just told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I never thought I would say something like that to Drew. I just think it’s best for right now. Hopefully it won’t be for forever. But…” She shrugged and shook her head sadly. “I just don’t know anymore.”

I stood there awkwardly for a second, not really sure what to tell her or how to make things better. I wanted to help, but I just didn’t know how.

“Wanna go grab some food?” I asked.

“No. I’m not really hungry. I think I’m just gonna go on home.” She said.
I nodded. I wanted her to stay, but let her walk down the stairs and out the door.

I knew I should go back to cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, but now my head was somewhere else. Whenever I saw Ella, I couldn’t help but wonder where we might have been. I’d retrace the past in my head, and like a chose your own adventure story, I’d pick different outcomes, and see where we ended up. Sometimes we were in the same place we were now. Other times we were married, with kids. Those we my favorite. I knew I wasn’t totally to blame for where we were now. If only Ella had told me she was pregnant when she was, or if she had told me about the miscarriage sooner…. But I knew most of the blame fell upon my shoulders. I had been a jerk. I had changed. I had picked someone who wasn’t Ella. I still couldn’t tell you why I picked Kayla. I think because it was a sure thing. Kayla always made her feelings for me clear, Ella had been a little more complicated, a little more hidden. I knew where I stood with Kayla, it was a sure thing.

Of course, that makes me sound like a coward. Why else wouldn’t I have taken a chance? I’m not scared of many things. But Ella… I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of her, it’s just. Man, it’s just so complicated and hard to explain. I guess I just wanted to take the easy way out. I had been fighting for so long, with my Dad, in the Marines… I just wanted something quick and easy. Something simple. Ella is many things, but simple just isn’t one of them.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the phone ringing.

It was a private number, which probably meant it was Kayla. She’d been calling a lot lately. Sometimes under the guise of talking about the divorce, other times just to yell at me. Sometimes she called and didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t be sure it was her then. Maybe it was some other random person calling from a private number. But I had a feeling it was her.

She had lately been trying to push the idea of reconciliation, and counseling. I didn’t want to answer, usually she started out nice but ended up cursing me out, but I felt too bad to ignore her. I had cheated on her. Essentially wrecked her life. If yelling at me made her feel better, then… Well, let her yell.

“Hello?” I answered tentatively. Just because I let her yell at me doesn’t mean I like it.

“It’s me.” Kayla answered.

“I know.” There was a very awkward pause. It was almost comical that we were once married. What the hell did we say to each other?

“How are you?” She asked.

“Good. I’m in Ohio.” The second that slipped out of my mouth, I cringed. I knew she’d know that by being in Ohio, I was with Ella.

“Oh.” Was her response.

“Yeah, Nick and Toni bought a house here, I’m helping them fix it.” I left out the fact that it was down the street from Ella’s.

“That’s nice of you…” She trailed off. “I have some of your stuff. I don’t know what to do with it.”

“What is it?”

“Just randoms… Letters, pictures. A blanket. Just… Crap I guess.”

I wanted to ask her why she was really calling. We had already been over what she could do with my stuff.

“I guess just send it to my parents.” I said.

Another awkward silence.

“I uh… I went through the computer.” She had taken the desktop, Jason had gotten the laptop.

“Oh.” I said, wondering why it mattered.

“Yeah. I wanted to just clear it out. I found some of your stuff.”

“Oh.” I repeated. I rarely used the desktop, so I wasn’t quite sure where she was going with all of this.

“Dear Ella,” She began.

Crap. The letter I wrote Ella. I had done it on the desktop. I saved it… I don’t know why, I just did, but had buried it in folder after folder. I didn’t think she’d find it.

“I can’t sleep next to Kayla. It’s like sleeping next to a lie. I spend day after day with her, kissing her, telling her I love her, making love to her, and the whole time I’m just wishing it was you. I retrace my steps, trying to figure out where we went wrong, how the hell I got here. I think about our baby, and it hurts to know that you and I could have had something so wonderful, something that I’ll never get with Kayla. I miss you, and I know I messed up, but please know that I will fix it. I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way to make it up to you…” She trailed off.

“Kayla…”

“Why did you do it? Seriously Jason. You apologize to her over and over again, like she’s the only one you hurt by marrying me. You basically ruined my life, and yet over and over again, you just apologize to her.”

“Kayla, I told you I was sorry. I am. I didn’t want to hurt you, you’re a good person… An amazing woman.”

“If that were true you’d want to be with me.” She sniffled.

I didn’t know what to say. This is how it always started, she cried, I apologized, and then she was start the yelling. Sorry wasn’t good enough, she would scream. I knew she was right, but there was nothing else I could say or do. Sometimes I wondered if I should be taking her calls at all. Still, it seemed unfair to move on and leave Kayla in the dirt behind me… But, on the other hand, if I didn’t do that, would she move on at all?

“I miss you so much my body hurts.” She continued reading from the letter. “I can’t thinking of anything other than you, my mind and body are consumed by you. I think back to that day… Making love to you was like coming home. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, I don’t know why I didn’t try harder…” She was crying now. “Why didn’t you try harder with us? You had me. I’m not making you jump through hoops for me.”

“Kayla…”

“No, you listen to me Jason…” She sobbed.

“Kayla, I’ve been listening to you. I’ve been letting you yell at me and call me because I wanted to make you feel better. But it’s obviously not working. I know what I did to you was horrible. I do wish I could rewind time and take it all back. I wish I never hurt you. I can’t. And I think the best thing to do now is just to cut off contact. You need to let us go.”

“You ASSHOLE.” She started to scream, but I didn’t wait around to hear the rest. I simply hung up the phone.