Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess

The next morning I woke up with my head pounding, and laser beams of light shooting through my window.

“Oh go figure.” I mumbled to myself as I crawled toward the window and pulled shade down. “The one random day of sunshine in Ohio during the winter just HAS to be today.” I fell back into bed, harder than I meant too, and sent tremors of pain soaring from my head down my body.

“Fuck. What did I do last night?” I said outloud, and for a few blissful moments, I really couldn’t remember.

Then it came back to me, like crime scene snapshots, a few prized moments flashed in my head: Seth leaving, me finding Drew with Christi, drinking, dancing, Jason being nice to me. Kissing Matt.

“Oh no.” I groaned, pulling the blanket up over my head. “Why did I do that?” I whined to myself.

“Are you talking to yourself?” I heard someone ask.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Please don’t tell me I slept with him. Please. Why do I do this? Why do I always have to find a way to make a fucked up situation even more fucked up?

I peeked out of the blankets, and sure enough, Matt was standing in the doorway.

“Did we….Did you…” I said, unsure of how to finish it. “Did you sleep in here last night?”

“No.” He said, chuckling as he sat on the edge of the bed. “You feeling OK?”

“I don’t know. Not really. Look, about last night…”

“Ella, we were both drunk. You were upset. I was lonely, it was bound to happen. It’s OK. Nobody else needs to know about it, it was just a random thing. A mistake.”

My heart got a little bruised when he said a mistake.

“Oh… OK.” I paused for a moment. “Do you think I should tell Seth?”

“No. I think that’s just going to make everything worse. Besides, you two aren’t exclusive yet, are you?”

“No.” I said, thinking back on the conversation we had last night. “I told him I thought we were headed in that direction, but we weren’t there yet.”

“Well, then you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean normally I’m all for honesty, but I think in your case right now… I dunno, Seth has enough of your guy friends to worry about and be wary of.” He shrugged. “It was just a random thing. Why worry him? We’ll just make sure neither one of us are drunk together again.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah. Well. I’m not drinking again for a long long time.” I said, feeling my head beat back at the mere thought of alcohol.

“OK. Well. I’m going to get ready to head over to the other house.”

“Yeah… I better attempt to do that too.” I grumbled. I think it went without saying that I REALLY didn’t want to go. My poor stomach was under assault, and the mere thought of seeing Drew made it do flips.

“Alright, well. See you there.” He said, getting off the bed and heading towards the door.

“Hey Matt?”

“Yeah?” He said, turning around.

“Happy birthday.” I said, smiling at him.

“Thanks.” He said, smiling and leaving the room.

I groped for my cell phone, planning to check the time and also to call a bakery and order a cake for Matt’s birthday. I saw that I had two missed calls from Seth. I dialed his number, hoping to sound normal when I talked to him. I didn’t want him to think I was some huge party girl.

“Hey, was wondering when I was going to hear from you.” Seth said, sounding amused.

“Yeah, hey…” I said, only it came out more like a croak.

“Ooh, rough night?”

“I guess. I don’t really remember most of it.” I replied, which, was true, after all. “How are you doing? Is everything OK?”

“Well…” He said his tone going from amused to serious and a little sad. “It’s been a rough night for me too.”

“What happened? Do you need something?”

“No… It’s OK…. Well, no. That’s a lie, it’s not OK.” He sighed and I heard the fatigue creep into his voice. “It’s a story that I don’t want to get into right now, but. I’m not going to be able to make it to the house today. The other guys said they’d still go… And if you’re free tonight, if it’s OK, I’d like to come over and talk.”

“OK. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

“No, but thanks for asking. I have to go now. I’ll text you later and let you know what time?”

“OK. Bye.”

I laid in bed for a moment, wondering what he could have to talk about. It didn’t sound like a good thing, but I also didn’t think it was a ‘I don’t want to see you anymore’ talk. This whole weekend was going to hell in a hand basket, and I wished for a magic remote to fast forward past all this crap.

I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Stepping out, I pulled my hair into a wet bun, pulled on a tee shirt and hoodie and reached for a pair of sweat pants. The first pair I grabbed were a pair of Drews. I used to wear them all the time when I was sad, rolling the waist up and tying them tight. They were, of course, way too big for me, but they were comfortable. Kind of like being in his arms.

The pain I felt thinking that hurt worse than the pounding in my head, and I think my brain’s way of coping was turning that pain into anger. I got pissed. I crashed through my room, still only half dressed, pulling through all my clothes. I found every tee shirt, sweatshirt, pants, shorts that didn’t belong to me but to one of the guys. I piled them in different bags. Jason had been right last night, I needed a fresh start, I needed to start over, and I couldn’t do it with all these reminders hanging around.

Then I got re-dressed. As crappy as I felt, well. Nobody else had to know that. I pulled my hair down, dried it and styled it. I pulled on a tight tee shirt that gave the appearance of me trying to be casual, but I knew that I looked sexy in it. It had a cut to shove cleavage, and it hugged my curves while hiding my rolls. I then picked my tightest pair of jeans and considered wearing heels, but nixed the idea. I stuck with my chucks. I put on my makeup, and piled the bags of the guys stuff in my car.

“Eat your heart out, Drew. I’m done with you.” I said, peeling out of my driveway and down the street.

I strode into the house with a confidence I was partially faking. I was good at doing that, when I had too, faking a sense of confidence, and even faking a sense of authority. It’s why I did so well with kids. Part of me just wanted to slink into the back room I had been working in, but instead, I went looking for Drew.

He, of course, was in a room with Christi, painting and laughing together.

“Hey Drewbie?” I said, standing at the doorway. My voice was light. “Can I borrow you for a second? I have some stuff out in the car for you.”

“Sure thing.” He said, looking at me with a guarded expression. “I’ll be right back.” He said to Christi as he followed me out and down to my car.

“What’s all this?” He asked with a puzzled expression as I handed him the bags.

“It’s all your stuff. Mainly clothes, but there’s a few other things in there.”

“Ella, why are you doing this?” He asked, looking exasperated. “Are you trying to make some sort of point?”

“No, Drew. YOU made the point, you made it last night loud and clear. I heard it, I got you, ten four, roger that good buddy!” I said. I tried to keep my voice light and joking, but I knew my anger was leaking through and staining my words.

“Again, Ella. Juvenile. You keep throwing temper tantrums like this when you don’t get your way, and nobody is going to want to be around you.” He said, turning to walk inside.

“Whatever Drew!” I called back. I wanted to say more, to slam him with an insult of my own, but I didn’t know to say.

So instead I called the baker, and ordered Matt a birthday cake, and then I slunk back in the house, my tail between my legs, my confidence balloon popped. I went back to my room, and started working. I wanted to call Toni, to talk to her, vent, to get advice, but I knew she needed to rest, and not to be bothered with my petty problems. This time, I really was on my own, but I desperately wanted to talk to someone.

Then I felt someone enter the room, and I turned to see who it was.

“Hey. Can we talk for a second?”

And it of course, was the last person I wanted to talk too.