Cuz if I do then I'll probably regret it... And if I don't, I'll probably regret it

I turned on my heel without saying a word, and headed back into the club. I know Matt was trying to follow me, to make sure I was OK, but I was too fast for him. I was able to slip through the wall of bodies, where as he with his larger frame was not. I headed straight to the bar, throwing back a drink and ordering two more for the road. I carried them in hand out to the dance floor, where I lost myself in the loud music and the crowd of bodies.

I spent most of the night that way, alternating between the bar and the dance floor. I don’t know how many drinks I had, but I can tell you, I for sure was not drinking responsibly.

At one point, Drew found me.

“C’mon Ella, it’s time to go. Give me your keys and I’ll give you a ride home.”

“You can take my keys,” I said, slurring and throwing my whole purse at him. “But I’m not going anywhere with you.”

He sighed. “Ella I’m tired, and I have to get up early tomorrow to work on the house. I can’t deal with an emotional temper tantrum right now. Can we please just go?”

“I told you. I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t need you to deal with me. I’m a grown ass woman and I am fine, just fine on my own.”

“Ella…”

“I saw you Drew. I saw you kiss her. After all that ‘I’m going to wait for you crap.’ You weren’t going to wait at all. I can’t blame you for that, I know it’s unfair to ask anyone to wait. But the thing is Drew, I didn’t ask you to wait. You volunteered, and it’s like, after freaking out on me about not being honest to you, you turn around and lie to me? How could you?”

“You know Ella, I’m really tired of all your little pity-parties. I wish you didn’t have to see that, I know it had to have hurt, but Jesus, it’s not always about you. I met someone, yes, I liked her. She’s the first girl I’ve liked besides you. She’s single, she’s available, so I’m just supposed to pass that by on the off chance that you are going to wake up and realize how perfect we are for each other? I did that my whole life. I’m tired of that!” He yelled back.

“WHATEVER. Just take my car and leave me alone!” I shouted.

He sighed disgustedly, and shaking his head turned to walk away.

“Oh, and I told Seth you’d take her home. But I’m sure you were already planning on doing that anyway!” I shot at his back.

I went to the bar, desperately needing another drink. I wanted to drink to the point of black out. I know that was dangerous, but honestly at this point I just didn’t care. However, during my dancing, I had missed the last call, and the bar was closed except for non-alcoholic drinks, which I had no interest in.

Jason found me a little while later, sitting on a bar stool, staring out into space. I had been thinking about my life, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong. I was retracing my steps, trying to decide what decisions I could have made to have a happier outcome. Would I have ended up with Jason? Or was I supposed to go through all that so I could end up with Drew? If I had been honest with Drew with the whole Jason thing, would we still be together? Or was that just a lame copout on Drew’s part? It’s like everything I thought I knew was different.

“Hey.” He approached carefully.

“Look, you can come, you can talk to me, you can be my friend. But Jason, please don’t make any moves on me. I can’t handle that right now, I can’t deal, so just don’t, OK?”

“OK. Sounds fair.” He said, sliding on the bar stool next to me. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked.

I was shaking my head no, but then words started spilling out of my mouth. “It’s just not fair. You know, with you, I just have so many regrets. I mean, I still have feelings for you Jason, and I think maybe I always will, but then there’s just so much… Stuff. Things to get over, baggage to carry, and I just don’t know with all that if we could ever make an honest go of things. And I have real feelings for Drew, but again, there’s just so much past with us, and I don’t know if he can ever get over you being around. I feel so… Lied too, as well. I mean he spilled all this stuff about waiting for me, and I thought I had time to figure things out. I realize how selfish that sounds, but I wasn’t the one to suggest it. He came to me. And it’s not like he’s been waiting for years, or even months. He said that stuff like a week ago. It just makes me doubt everything. But then, on the other hand, one of my biggest regrets with you is that I didn’t fight for you, that we never really tried, and I worry that I’ll make that same mistake with Drew and end up with nothing but regrets like I have with you. Finally, there’s Seth, and he’s amazing, but it’s like, do I give up something I know I have with Drew or you for a chance on something new? But maybe that’s what I need. Maybe I need a fresh start. It’s all just so confusing and hard and it seems no matter what I do I’m hurting, and hurting other people and I just want it to stop.” I said, breaking down into sobs.

Jason didn’t say anything, just wrapped his arms around me and brought me to his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, but didn’t try to push anything beyond that. It really made me feel like Jason had grown up. The old Jason I don’t think would have had any problem taking advantage of this situation.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Ella. I wish I had answers for you. I don’t. You and I were both young, we both made a lot of mistakes because that’s what young people do. I still hope that one day we’ll be together, but maybe that won’t happen, or maybe it just needs to happen years from now, after time has given us space to get over some old wounds. As far as Drew… I don’t know. I think he’s hurt and confused too, and he’s just not sure what to do or how to handle things. I think if you think Seth is a good guy, and you’re attracted to him, you should give him a chance. Forget about me, forget about Drew. Try it with Seth. If it doesn’t work out, maybe we’ll still be here. And if we’re not, I have no doubt that you’ll meet someone new. You need to stop and realize the reason why so many guys love you Ella is that you’re simply amazing.”

We sat there for a little while longer, me sniffling and Jason holding me. It was nice. It felt almost like a new chapter in our relationship was opening up, and I saw a flicker of hope that maybe Jason and I could be something again, maybe not together, but at the very least friends.

“C’mon sugar, it’s late, and I promised Drew I’d get you home safe. He took Jarren, Matt, and Christi home.”

“I’ll bet he took her home.” I grumbled. Jason ignored me.

We drove home in silence, and when we arrived home, Jason helped me, stumbling up the stairs, into the house where Matt was waiting. With a quick hug and a promise to check on me tomorrow, Jason left.

“Rough night?” Matt asked, sympathetically but obviously intoxicated himself.

“Yes. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I said, groaning and crawling on the couch with him. I laid my head on his shoulder. “How’d things go with Jarren.”

“Good. I asked her out again. We’ll see how it goes. It’s hard to get to know someone in a noisy club.”

“Apparently Drew had no problem doing it.” I said bitterly, fresh tears springing to my eyes all over again.

“Oh Ella, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong…” He said, pulling me to him so I was half in his lap.

“I know.” I said, wiping tears from my eyes and settling against his chest. “It’s just a sucky situation. I’m tired of being in sucky situations.” I sighed, and rested my head against his.

“You deserve better, you know.”

“I know. It’s hard to let go of someone though, when they’d been a part of your life for so long.”

We sat together for a moment, both of us quiet. It was nice, being in Matt’s arms, snuggling. I felt a lot better, cozy.

“So, on a happier note, did you kiss her goodnight?” I asked.

“Nope. No goodnight kiss for me.” He mock pouted. “It was just weird, a group of us rode home together, it was too weird to do it with a car full of people watching.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. I ruined that.”

“No, even if you had driven us home, it still would have been a car full of people. Like I said before, there’s always next time. More talking, less drinking.”
“It still sucks. No action on your birthday.”

“I know.” He answered. “It’s been awhile. I’m kinda glad I didn’t go home though. It would have been hard not to call Kellie for a booty call. I don’t want to go there with her. I was half tempted to call Amber, but even I’m not drunk enough for that.” He joked.

“Ah, Amber. I told you she was a whore.”

“Yes, dear.” He joked, “you’re always right after all.”

“Hey!” I shouted, pretending to be angry. “I am always right!” And to make sure he remembered that, I gave him a pinch on the arm.

“Ohhh, now you’ve started it!” He said, pushing me back on the couch.

“No! It’s fair! It’s your birthday! A pinch to grow an inch!” I shouted, laughing as he started tickling me.

We squirmed together on the couch, wrestling. At first it was just playing, and then suddenly, it turned into something else. I was aware of Matt’s body pressed against mine, aware of the spark and the ache I felt every time I felt it move against mine.

He stopped suddenly, breathing hard and looking into my eyes. I knew it was coming, but I couldn’t figure out how to stop it, and couldn’t even think clearly enough to know if I wanted to stop it.

“You’re beautiful.” He mumbled, gently pulling his fingers through my hair. His hand rested on the side of my face, and slowly, he leaned down and kissed me.

The spark I felt the first time we touched coursed through my body, and for a second, I got lost in it, reaching up to tangle my own fingers in his hair. We kissed for awhile, our tongues exploring and his arousal growing against me. It was when I felt his cold fingers touch my stomach that I sobered up, very quickly.

“Matt, I can’t do this.” I said, pulling away and squirming out from under him.