Torn between what was and what could be

Chloe was a blast to hang out with, but towards the end of our trip she looked a little pale and tired.

“You OK?” I asked, as she stopped to sit down on a bunch.

“Oh yea, sure.” She said, smiling, but again, her light was a little dim. “I’ve just been fighting this… Bug for the past couple weeks. I feel fine, then it hits me all over again.”

“Well, I think I’m ready, if you want me to drop you off at home? Or are you coming out with us tonight? We can swing by your place and pick up your stuff, you can come to my house to get ready?”

“No… I think, if it’s OK with you, I’d rather go home. I’m not feeling so hot and I wouldn’t want Seth to have to leave in the middle of the night to drive me home. I don’t have a car.”

“OK… Well. Ready to go?”

“Sure.” She said.

She was quiet most of the way home, her eyes closed, her head resting against the window. The way the light hit her face made me realize how young she was. Though she was nineteen, and I was only twenty four… Well, it made me realize just how big of age difference that was. It’s funny, at some points in life five years doesn’t matter so much, but in other points, it’s like we’re worlds apart. I understood though why Seth babied her so much. I couldn’t help but want to protect her and give her whatever she wanted. She was such a sweet girl.

I dropped her off at home and with a small smile and a wave she was inside the house. I set home to get ready as well.

It had been hard for me to pick out an outfit. On one hand, I wanted to look nice for Seth. He had never really seen me dressed up. I liked the fact that he had seen me at my grubbiest and still liked me, but I also wanted to see his jaw drop. I always wouldn’t mind making Drew a little jealous, especially after his temper tantrum today. But, I worried about Jason, giving him the wrong idea, and as much as Drew irritated me, I also didn’t want to hurt him.

I settled for medium: I found a sweater wrap dress that was perfectly in between. I didn’t mess much with my makeup, and left my hair down, but tousled in soft waves. I added heels for height, loving how long they made my legs appear. I was just finishing when I heard a knock on the door. I froze for a second, wondering who it could be, worried that it was Jason or Drew. I just wanted to have a good night, wanted Matt to have fun, wanted no drama. Oh well, I thought as I went to the door. Wish in one hand, spit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

I opened the door and was stunned. There stood Seth, flowers in hand. Just as he had never seen me dressed up, I had never seen him. And if I thought he was gorgeous before…

He wore a pair of black dress pants that were tailored for him perfectly. The blue in his shirt brought out his eyes, and the way it fit made my fingers itch to take it off and discover what was underneath.

“Hi.” He said smiling and taking my breath away. “You look amazing.” He handed me the flowers and leaned forward to hug me.

“Thanks.” I said, breathing him in. He even smelled gorgeous. “You look pretty good yourself. Where are your friends?” I asked, pulling back and stepping back inside.

“They’re waiting at Nicks. I wanted to come see you first. I wanted to really make sure you were OK with everything that happened earlier.”


I shrugged, sitting down on the sofa. “I mean I told you it’s a complicated situation. To give you the short story of it all, Jason is my best friend and also my ex boyfriend. I was in love with him for a really long time. He married someone else.”

“Ouch.” Seth replied.

“I know. Well. I did something I’m not proud of. He surprised me with a visit and we ended up sleeping together.” I was unable to look at Seth at this part. I was still so ashamed. “I regretted it. Kicked him out. Cut off all contact. I know it doesn’t make what I did any better, but… Anyway, he kind of started with the love letters and stuff. Eventually his wife found out, and they split, but we still weren’t talking. Drew and I were dating, but he found out about the whole Jason thing and got pissed.”

“Why? Did you cheat on him?”

“No… We weren’t together when that happened. I just think… I don’t know. It’s hard for Drew I think because my whole life it’s been Jason, and for Drew, his whole life it’s been me. He finally got a shot at me only to find out that I had one last fling with Jason. I don’t know, I think he felt betrayed.”

“I just can’t believe he’d let you go…”

“Yeah. Well. He did. Now this whole thing is some weird love triangle and things tend to get awkward.”

“Do you still have feelings for them?” Seth asked rather bluntly.

I paused, but only for a brief moment. My past experience had told me it was best to be honest. “Yeah. I mean with Jason, I think I’ll always love him. He was my first love, and had he asked I would have married him. But now, we’ve just been through so much. Too much, ya know? And it’s just, we can’t get past that.” I sighed, saddened by it all over again. “As for me and Drew, that’s tricky too. He’s my best friend, he’s always been there for me. How do you leave that behind?”

“I don’t think you ever really leave people behind. Everyone always leaves something behind.” Seth said. “I understand the whole exes thing… I don’t remain in contact with a lot of my exes because of various reasons, but I get that it’s different with you. These guys were friends first. I’m not really a jealous person Ella, and I like to think I trust people pretty easily. But the thing about me, is once I get burned, I’m done. There aren’t really any second chances with me. I really like you, I think you’re amazing, but you need to know that about me.” Seth’s face was kind as he said this, but his eyes were serious.

I nodded. “I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would be with them. What I did with Jason was wrong, and I felt so horrible after. I don’t know how anyone could do that on a regular basis.”

“So are you calling me your boyfriend then?” He asked, leaning in and smiling a half smile.

“Not yet,” I said, smiling back. “But you’ve definitely got potential.”

“Good. I agree.” He said, and he leaned in to kiss me.

It had the potential to get pretty hot and heavy pretty quickly. I had never been this physically attracted to a guy before, and it was hard to keep it in check. I had a feeling though, that tonight Seth would be going home with me. I didn’t have a problem with that at all, but I knew we needed to leave.

“C’mon.” I said, pulling away and straightening my dress. “We better go meet the others.”

We walked outside and I expected to get into Seth’s car with him, but realized his car wasn’t there. Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he spoke.

“I told them we’d meet them there. Christi drove my car. You don’t mind if we take yours?”

“No. Do you want to drive, or should I?”

“I will, if you don’t mind.” He answered. I tossed him the keys.

“So.” I said, once we were situated and on our way. “Your friends seem nice. How did you meet them?” I really wanted to get the scoop on Christi. I just had a bad feeling about girl best friends, which sucked since I had been on the other side of that so many times.


“Well, Justin, John, Pat and I all go to school together. Justin and Pat are both pretty handy, Justin’s going to school for architecture, and Pat is going to school for business. His Dad owns a building company and Pat already pretty much runs it, but his Dad wanted him to have a degree to fall back on, so… John is kind of a dummy. We love him, but he’s a laborer. I brought him along for the heavy lifting. Christi… She’s actually one of the few exes I stay in touch with.”

I couldn’t help myself, I made a face. Seth caught it and laughed.

“Hey now, that’s not fair! I’m surrounded by your exes and guys who want you.” He joked.

“Two exes doesn’t make you surrounded by them.” I countered back.

“What about Matt?” He asked.

“What about him?”

“Oh, that guy so wants you.”

“Whatever, moving on, what’s the story with Christi please.”

“Well, you have nothing to worry about. It was one of those relationships where you get along so well and everyone tells you that you should be together. And on paper, it does seem like a good idea. Anyway, we tried it. It was just weird. We both agreed it was just weird. We went back to being friends. We’re not as close as we once were, but we’re still pretty tight. She does the whole spend your spring break volunteering thing and builds houses for habitat for humanity, so I thought she’d be a good asset.”

“She sounds amazing.” I admitted, a little jealous.

Seth reached over and squeezed my hand. “She is. But you know, you’re right up there with her, if not surpassing her. She spends her Spring Break helping others, but you’ve made it your career. You should talk to her tonight. I think you two would really get along. You remind me of her in some ways.”

“Oh gee, thanks.”

He smiled again. “I meant that as a compliment!”


“I know,” I answered back. “It’s just that most girls don’t want to be told they remind someone of their ex girlfriend. Especially when it’s someone you’re dating.”

“Well, again, I’m sorry. I just meant that a lot of the qualities I found attractive in her, I find in you. But you also have so much more than what she has.”

“Uh huh.” I answered, only half believing him.

“So.” He said, after a beat of silence. “What’s with the necklace Jason gave you?”

I touched the necklace with my fingertips. “I think I have dumped far too much crap on you today. We gotta save something for later.”

“A mysterious woman.” He said, winking at me. “I like that.”

We were quiet for the rest of the drive, mainly because I was trying to pep myself up for this evening. I did want Matt to have a good time, I also wanted to have a good time myself. But I was kind of nervous to meet Christi. Being the girl best friend of a guy, I’m sure people would expect me to be understanding. I’m sure I’m supposed to be one of those people who says men and women can just be friends. But the thing is… I’m not so sure anymore. I mean, look where Jason and Drew and I have ended up. And all that aside… Think back to what happened with Michelle. I didn’t need another crazy best friend trying to start all kinds of trouble again.

We parked at the restaurant, and again, Seth gave my hand a squeeze.

“Ready to go have some fun?” He asked.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I answered.