When a heart breaks no it don't break even

“Oh, hey Christi. Sure we can talk, what’s up?”

She smiled, a wide friendly smile that seemed like it took up half her face, but not in an unattractive way. She sat down in the seat across from me, and I got my first really good look at her. It may seem odd, she had been hanging around all day yesterday, but I don’t think I ever really took her in. She was pretty, with shoulder length curly hair. She had a tiny little nose that set in the middle of her face, and her eyes were big and blue, framed by long eyelashes.

“We just haven’t really got a chance to talk yet, and… I don’t know. I know things can get weird, I’m a good friend of Seths, and ex-girlfriend, and I know in the past girls Seth have dated have had issues with that. I figured you know where I’m coming from… I mean Drew said you were one of his best friends, so I know you know what it’s like… I have no feelings for Seth, not in that way. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I come in peace.” She finished with another one of her big smiles.

Her words felt sincere, which normally would have made me feel much better. I wouldn’t have to worry about ex-girlfriend drama, or friends falling in love with friends. But I didn’t want her to be nice. I didn’t want to like her. I wanted to hate her just as much as I hated this whole situation.

“Aw, well thanks for the reassurance!” I said, aware of how fake my words sounded, but unable to make them any better. “I, uh, really do appreciate it. Maybe sometime you and I could go and hang out? I could always use more girl friends.” I finished with a weak smile of my own. Why did I say that? I didn’t want to be her friend.

“Sounds good! I hang with mainly guys myself, and while I like it, it’s usually more drama free than girls, they don’t really like to go shopping or see chick flicks with me.”

I nodded, unsure of what else to say. We sat there in awkward silence for a second.
“Well.” She said, slapping her legs. “I better get back to work. You can ask Seth for my cell number.”

“Yeah, and you can always get mine from Drew.” I said. As soon as the words hit the air, I had to fight the urge to cringe at the sound of it.

“OK then. See you later!” She said, waving as she walked out of the room.

I sat there for a moment, and realized I wasn’t going to get any work done today. I picked up my phone and fingered the numbers gently. I wanted so badly to call Toni, but I didn’t want to put any added pressure on her. After a moments hesitation, I decided to call her anyway. I wouldn’t say anything about what went on this weekend, but I’d check in on her. Maybe just hearing her voice would make me feel better.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey Mama, how are you?” Keeping my voice happy and light.

“Ugh. I’m so sick of that question. I get asked it about twenty times a second, I swear. That and ‘why don’t you go lay down’. But other than that, I’m good. What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Oh Ella, cut the crap, you aren’t fooling anyone. What’s going on?”

“I just miss you.” I joked.

“Uh huh, right. And I don’t miss alcohol in the least.” She paused. “You know, Nick told me a lot of it, so all you really need to do is fill me in on the parts he doesn’t know.”

“Toni, you don’t need this right now.”

“No,” she said, her voice irritated. “This is exactly what I need. Something to get my mind off bed rest and babies and helping someone else so I don’t feel like such an invalid.”

I hesitated for a moment, and then decided that Toni was right. My decision may have been slanted by my own selfish need to vent, but I do think she probably wanted to stop being treated like a baby and handled with kid gloves. So I told her the whole story, except for the kiss with Matt. I agreed with what he had to say, it was a drunken moment and really had nothing to do with anything else.

“You know Ella,” she said when I finished. “You’re like the kid in the sandbox who doesn’t want anyone else to play.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“You and Drew agreed to date other people. You can’t get mad now that he’s doing it.”

“He said he was going to wait for me!” I protested.

“Yeah, and I agree, he shouldn’t have said that. It was a promise that he didn’t know if he could keep. But Ella, you started dating someone else first. And when Drew suggested you dating other people, you didn’t say ‘no, Drew, I don’t want anyone else.’ You can’t have your cake and eat it too, honey. It just doesn’t work like that.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” I whined.

“No. You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it. You need to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.” It sounded harsh, and it did hurt my feelings a little, but Toni was just being her, which was blunt and to the point. She wasn’t trying to be mean.

“It’s hard Toni. I have real feelings for three different guys, and I’m just so scared that I’m going to make the wrong choice.”

“Ella, don’t you notice that it’s when you try to take control of everything that your life falls apart? Whatever happened to ‘we’ll see where this takes us?’ You CAN’T predict the future, you CAN’T know the outcome of things, all you can do is enjoy the here and now, and make what you feel is the best decision for you. If you keep going like this, it won’t matter who you decide to pick. Because not only are all the guys going to get fed up with the games you’re playing, but even if you make a choice, you’re going to look back and only have memories of stress and strife.”

“I’m not trying to play games Toni.”

“You may not be trying too, but you are. The getting Drew’s clothes together? The dressing up to make him jealous? C’mon Ella, those are games, and you know it, and he knows it, and he called you out on it.”

“I just… I think I need some space from him. I can’t be near him without feeling so sad and angry and jealous.”

“And that’s fine, El. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some space, but the way you did it.. Well, it was very passive aggressive. You just need to go to Drew and tell him, you need your space. Or better yet, just take the space. Drew is a very perceptive person, I’m sure he’ll take the hint.”

“I just. Wish there was a rewind button. I don’t know if I would have ever dated Drew. This whole thing turned into such a mess and now everything is ruined.”

“Oh Ella. You need to get some faith. Everything is going to turn out OK. I mean look at you and Jason, you guys are starting to be friends again. I mean maybe you won’t end up with Drew in the end, but I really believe that someday you guys will be friends again, and you’ll be able to look back on this and smile.”

“I sure hope so.” I said, not really believing it.

We chatted for a few moments, about the kids, how her Mom was driving her nuts and she was ready to come back home. Then we got off the phone.

I felt a little better after I got off the phone with her, but I also realized I had been acting like a complete jerk. I worked for a little bit longer, trying to get some of this stuff out of the way for Toni, then stood and went to find Drew.
Thankfully, he was alone.

“Hey.” I said, and he turned around.

“Ella, don’t. I’m done.” He said, holding up his hands.

“I know… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been fair, lately. I wanted to apologize. It’s hard to see you with another girl.”

“Yeah, well. It was hard to see you with another guy.” He said dismissively. He bent to pick up his paintbrush and went back to painting.

“That’s why I think it’s best if we just give each other some space. I’ve been trying to tell myself I’m OK with this, but I’m not.”

He stopped for a second, and looked at me, studying me closely.

“Alright.” He said slowly. “If that’s what you want.” And with that, back to painting he went.

I didn’t know what else to say, so I left the room. I was a little disappointed, I was expecting something… An outburst maybe? I don’t know. But I left feeling hollow and disappointed.

I went to the bakery and picked up Matt’s cake, as well as lunch for everyone. After happy birthday was sung and we had eaten, I left to go home. I took the sewing with me, enjoying the quiet of the house while I worked. I could breathe easier, and I locked my mind on my work, enjoying the distraction. With this working environment, I actually finished my work, right as Matt was walking in the door.

“Happy birthday!” I shouted at him as he came in. He smiled. I stretched, my muscles sore from sitting so long.

“Thank you!” He said back smiling.

“How’d it go?”

“Good. We’re done, believe it or not. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but especially with the extra help, they’re ahead of schedule. Everyone’s making plans to come back next weekend, and a few of the guys said they’d stop by in between classes and stuff. They’re real nice.”

“Well good. Does that mean the house is almost done?”

“Eh. I mean, right now it’s livable. The bedrooms are done. Some other things are going to take longer. Toni has big plans for their master bathroom. She wants the basement finished and the kitchen re-done. Those things are going to take longer, but I think she’s just happy the bedrooms are done so they can sleep there. Nick told me those other things are more long term goal things.”

“Mmm.” I said. Then my phone rang.

“I’m gonna go grab a shower, then some of us are headed to dinner. You wanna come?” He asked.

I glanced at my phone. “No. This is Seth. He’s supposed to come over tonight.”
“Oh. Well. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” He called over his shoulder on the way to the bathroom.

“Hey.” Seth said. “I can be over in fifteen. Cool?”