I'm always wrapped up in things I cannnot win

The day’s events had drained me, and it wasn’t even noon yet. I eyed the treadmill, knowing that I should run, not just to clear my head but for exercise as well, but I really was just too tired to do so. Cumulus whined and scratched at the door. I knew he deserved a long walk, especially on one of the rare nice days of winter, but again, just too tired. I let Cumulus out the back door, hoping that some extended yard time would satisfy him. He looked at his leash sadly, and then back up at me.

“I know buddy. I promise, tomorrow we’ll take a trip to the pet store, but today, I need some more me time.” I said, gently scratching his big head. He seemed to nod at me and then headed outside to do his business.

I plopped myself down on the couch and decided to spend the whole day on it, watching bad made for tv movies on lifetime. I only had a few more days to wallow by myself before Matt came home, and I wanted to get all this feeling-sorry-for-myself crap out of my system. I had just settled down to watch a little gem called “too young to marry” when I was interrupted by a knock at the door.

I considered not answering it, but whoever it was knocked again, and more urgently, I knew I better see who it was. Besides, I needed to let Cumulus back inside anyway.
I was shocked to see Toni standing on my steps, a large duffle bag sitting beside her.

“I knew I should have called. I’m glad your home though. What took you so long to answer?” She asked, pushing past me into the house, dragging her bag behind her.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as she set her bag down.

“I heard you were having a hard time… I can’t visit a friend?” She asked, walking into the kitchen.

“You can, it’s just… Work, and the kids… You can’t usually get away like this.” I answered, following her into the kitchen. Cumulus was waiting at the back door, and I opened the door to let him back in.

“I know. I needed some me time too. So I took it to come see you. What a good friend I am.” She said, smiling at me.

I was glad Toni was there, she would give me a much needed distraction, but it was also… Odd, that she was there. Toni was one of my best friends, probably my only female friend anymore. But we had a long distance friendship. She was so busy with work and her kids, she very rarely got up to see me. I usually went to her. Her behavior was also off. She seemed like she was trying to be upbeat and positive, but not quite hitting it.

“What’s really going on Toni?” I asked, leaning against the counter and eyeing her up and down.

“I told you… I know what’s going on. Just because you don’t talk to me anymore doesn’t mean Drew doesn’t fill me in on things.”

I winced. “He told you everything?”

She nodded. “Don’t blame him, he was drunk.”

“So you’re here to chew me out?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I thought about it. I mean you know what it’s like to be cheated on, I thought you would know better.” She sighed. “I think this conversation needs drinks. You wanna do lunch?”

Now it was my turn to shrug.

“C’mon. You drive, I’ll pay.” Toni said, heading for the front door.

We went to El Vaquero’s, and even though Toni had said she wanted a drink, she ordered a water when we sat down.

“I thought this was a conversation that needed drinks?” I asked.

“I didn’t say which one of us needed the drink. Besides, someone has to be the designated driver.” She said, shrugging and glancing over the menus. She waited until the waiter came back to take our order before she continued the conversation.

“So. Have you talked to Jason?”

“Yes.” I said, sipping my margarita.

“What happened?”

“You mean with the conversation or in general?” I asked, taking a longer sip of my margarita.

“Both.”

I shrugged. “I slept with him Toni. It was a big mistake, I regret it. I know I hurt a lot of people in the process, and I’m sorry for that. I don’t have any excuses, I just didn’t think. I didn’t know Jason would leave Kayla. I didn’t tell him too or ask him too or anything like that. I actually told him to get his shit together because she deserves better.”

Toni was shaking her head.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I just don’t buy it Ella. You have been pining after Jason since you were in the womb practically, and you finally get your chance and you’re just done?”

“It’s too little too late Toni.”

“No. I think it’s ‘I’m too scared to try so once again I’m just going to walk away and end up regretting it’.”

“Oh Toni, don’t. Don’t tell me I should give it a shot with Jason.” I whined.

“I just think that if you don’t, all that’s going to happen is he’s going to keep popping back up again and again. I don’t think he’s right for you. I think Drew is the one.”

“So why do you want me to get with Jason and in the meantime REALLY screw things over with Drew?” I asked, honestly bewildered. I was expecting Toni to stand and cheer when she heard I had given Jason the boot. Now she was acting the complete opposite.

“Because, I think it’ll end up doing more damage if you don’t. I think Jason will continue to pop back up and because you never gave it a shot with him you’ll always wonder… Wonder if he’s changed, if you’ve changed, if it could work right now. As for Drew… Well, I think ultimately that’s what he’s afraid of. I think he knows that you really are sorry for sleeping with Jason, but I think he cares about you so much and he’s just terrified that it’ll happen all over again. I think in the end, if you officially try it with Jason, and it officially doesn’t work out… Drew’ll feel better about the whole thing.”

“I don’t know Toni. It sounds like it’ll just make a mess of things all over again.”

She patted my hand. “Well, honey, aren’t things already a mess? Drew’s not talking to you. You and I both know whatever Jason said got to you.”

“But you’re saying it’s not going to work out, so why try? Why put myself through that, again?”

“Oh Ella.” She sighed. “I know I know a lot, but believe it or not, I don’t actually know everything. I don’t think it’ll work out, but hey, I could be wrong. It has happened before, you know. Besides, I’ve been telling you for awhile now that you two wouldn’t work out, and yet you kept on trucking. Why stop now?”

I sighed and sat back. “I don’t know. It’s just been so long, who knows if there’s anything left with Jason anyway?”

Toni shrugged, and the waiter came by and set our food down in front of us.

We were both quiet for a long moment, arranging things and chewing thoughtfully.

“How is Drew?” I asked, not looking up at her. I wanted to know, but I think no matter what the answer was, it was going to hurt.

“I don’t know.” She said, and I glanced up at her to see if she was just saying that because she thought I had no right to know, or if she honestly didn’t know. She was watching me, and she set down her fork.

“I mean, he seems…” She trailed off and shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Well, that makes me feel better.” I said, rolling my eyes and stabbing a piece of steak to make my fajita.

“It’s not all about you, you know.” Toni said, rolling her own eyes.

“I know.” I admitted, setting down my fork. “I’m sorry. How are you, anyway? What’s been going on? I know we don’t talk much, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I do miss you.”

She sighed and looked away. I didn’t know if I had offended her or hurt her feelings or what.

“Toni?” I asked, reaching across the table to touch her hand. She waved me off.

“I’m fine. I’m not mad.” She said, still not looking at me.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked, confused.

I was even more shocked when Toni did finally look back over at me, and I noticed there were unshed tears in her eyes.

“Let’s get out of here.” She said, even though we had just got here.

I didn’t say anything, just waved the waiter over and asked for the check and some boxes. I had a feeling the sooner we got out of here, the sooner Toni would spill the real reason she was here.