Oh jealousy, look what you've done

“Shhhh!” Toni shushed me, pinking at the cheeks. I had to laugh, Toni was always so sure of herself and confident, she never got embarrassed.

“This pregnancy is making me very…” She trailed off, blushing again. “Nick said everyone was wasted, and would be passed out. I forgot you were drinking. I’m so sorry Ella.”

“It’s no big deal.” I said, laughing again. “I just thought it was Michelle and either Drew or Sean!”

“Well. I’m glad you didn’t go off on them or something. But, please, don’t tell anyone. I’m kind of embarrassed.” She said.

I nodded.


Toni left, and as soon as I was alone, Jacob sidled up to me.

“Hey.” He said, putting an arm around me. I loved how he always wanted to touch me.

“Hey.” I answered, smiling up at him, cuddling closer.

“Sooo. I was talking to Michelle in the kitchen, annnd she likes your friend Drew. She asked me if we could maybe arrange a double date.”

“Ooooh no.” I said, looking up at him to see if he was serious.

“Why not?” He asked.

“Because….” I trailed off, realizing I couldn’t tell Jacob the truth, unless I wanted to seem like a huge bitch. He obviously didn’t think Michelle was evil, he was her friend.

He sighed. “She said you didn’t like her, but I told her that wasn’t true. Maybe it is?” He asked, his eyes cutting into me.

“No, no.” I said quickly, and then added, because I didn’t want to lie, “I mean, I just don’t really know her one way or the other. I just… Drew’s really picky. He’s never had a serious girlfriend. I wouldn’t want her to get her hopes up and get hurt.” Half truth. Half truth makes it not totally a lie.

“Well, why don’t we just set up a bowling night tonight? You can invite Drew, and he and Michelle will get to spend some time together. I mean, we’re leaving in the morning to go back home…”

“Oh… Well. I mean… I kinda wanted to spend our last night together. Alone.” I smiled at him. It was true, I wanted to spend the last night alone together, but more so, I wanted to spend it without Michelle.

“Well, Mom and I were hoping you’d come home with us for a little bit. I was going to talk to you about it.”

I was quiet for a minute. I wanted to spend time with Jacob, but I was also supposed to spend the week with Jason. I looked around for him, and realized he was inside with Kayla. I hadn’t really spoken two words to him the whole time, he was always wrapped up in her. Could I blame him? No. He had been away from her for a long time, I’m sure he missed her. But then, could he blame me for ditching him to go hang out with Jacob? It’s not like he was paying any attention to me at all.

“If you’re mom won’t care…” I trailed off, shrugging.

Jacob beamed at me. “Awesome. So, bowling tonight?”

I tried to hide my cringe as I nodded.


We spent the rest of the day just hanging around, eating, and being lazy. Jacob’s Mom came back over, and I got to spend some more time with her, which was nice. She was really a funny, laid back, nice woman, and it was a huge relief. All my boyfriend’s Moms were… Not really fond of me. Jason’s Mom was OK, but a little stand-off-ish, and Chris’ Mom was just nuts.

Sandy, Jacob, Jason and I were playing Uno. Unfortunately, the bowling event was set up, and I was getting ready to wrap up the game in order to go Nick and Toni’s to get ready. Kayla was perched on Jason’s lap, attached to the hip as normal.

“Mom, Ella said she’d come hang out with us for a few days.” Jacob said, laying a draw four card onto his Mom.

“Oooh, good. I’ll finally have someone to do some girlie things with.” She responded while flicking Jacob off with one hand, and drawing with the other.

“What, you’re leaving?” Jason said, looking up.

“Yeah… I was going to go spend a few days with Jacob and his Mom before I head home.” I answered, flipping down my card.

“We were supposed to hang out.” Jason said, looking at me. I noticed when he said this, Kayla dropped her arms from around his neck.

“I know… It’s just that, you know, you’re spending a lot of time with Kayla, so I just thought…”

Jason didn’t wait for me to finish. He threw his cards down and stood, Kayla sliding off his lap, catching herself just in time before she hit the floor. The rest of us watched, stunned, as he stormed off.

“What is his deal?” Jacob asked.

“I should go talk to him.” Kayla and I said together.

“I mean, he’s my boyfriend.” She said, looking at me defensively.

“But, I’m the reason he’s upset.” I answered. I didn’t want for her reply, instead I walked off to find Jason.


He was off in one of the fields, sitting with his back towards me, throwing random rocks at nothing. I stood next to him, knowing Jason enough not to say anything. I waited for him to speak.

“You’re really going home with him?” He finally said, still not looking at me.

“Yeah Jason. I like him. And, it’s not like you and I are spending much quality time together.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve been with you this whole time.”

“Yeah, with Kayla attached to your hip.”

“What do you expect? She’s my girlfriend, we’re spending time together.”

“Yeah, I get that. But Jacob’s my boyfriend, I want to spend time with him too.”

“Whatever Ella, you barely know him.”

“And I’m trying to get to know him! Why do you care anyway? You’ve talked to me like twice this whole time. You won’t even notice that I’m gone.”

“Why are you trying to give me a guilt trip for spending time with my girlfriend?” Jason sounded severely annoyed.

“I could ask you the same question.” I shot back.

“Whatever Ella. Do what you want, I don’t care.” He said.

I knew Jason, but I didn’t understand why he was acting like such a spoiled brat. I left him alone, to stew and pout. I knew eventually he would get over it. I hoped.


I hobbled back into the barn, huffing down on the couch. I noticed that as soon as Kayla saw I was back, she bolted out of the barn to go find Jason. I shook my head. Coddling Jason was never going to work, and he would eventually tire of someone hovering. She didn’t know him like I did. I couldn’t understand why that bothered me so much, but it did. They weren’t right together, he shouldn’t be with her.

But, I wasn’t sure anymore that I wanted him to be with me, either. I liked Jacob, a lot. Things were relatively easy with him, despite him being deployed and living far away, even despite Michelle. Things came naturally, and I wasn’t worried about him blowing up at me.

Sandy plopped down next to me, jiggling me out of my thoughts.

“Blanco’s mad you’re blowing him off, huh?” She asked.

“I guess. I don’t understand why.”

She laughed. “Well, that’s easy hon. He’s jealous.”

“He has nothing to be jealous of! He’s the one who moved on with Kayla. And he’s the one who introduced me to Jacob. He’s just being dumb.”

“He’s just being a boy, Ella. They may not be playing with a toy, but that doesn’t mean they want anyone else playing with it.”

“Yeah, well, boys are dumb.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest

“Well, yeah, they are.” She agreed. “Selfish too. You don’t have to come, if you don’t want to upset Jason.”

“I don’t care. He’s just being a brat, it happens. He’ll get over it, he always does. My only other option is to stay here and watch him play kissy face with Kayla.” I shrugged. “Boys can be such jerks sometimes.”

“Sometimes.” She agreed. “But they’re worth it.”

“Sometimes.” I said, looking over at Jacob who was talking to Nick and Toni.

“You like my boy?”

I nodded, still looking at him, smiling.

“Well, good. I like you. But, I love my boy. Be good to him Ella. Or else.” She smiled, but there was a harsh honesty behind her words.

With that, she patted my leg, and got up. She started walking away, where Michelle pounced on her, to probably say something suck uppy and annoying. I laughed to myself as Sandy rolled her eyes over Michelle’s head. I liked the Sandy wasn’t a Michelle fan either.

I sighed, realizing that I would have to spend another evening with her. I hefted myself off the couch to go find Drew to ask him for a ride back to Nick and Toni’s to get ready. If I was forced to spend the night with her, I was at least going to look good while I did it.

So, here's the deal...

Today's post is listed below. I'm sorry it's so late, I knew it would be a little late, but this morning did not go the way I expected. First, we were told not to make an appointment for my son's second flu shot, but to come during walk in hours. We waited forever. Then they ended up having the h1n1 vax, and while I'm not FREAKING out about it like a lot of other people seem to be, I DO know that if he were to get any kind of flu, since he's so little, it's going to be more serious. So we opted for that, but it meant two flu shots, we made him not a happy camper, and then my Mother in law decided she wasn't too sick and wanted us to come over there, and we were there seriously forever (I had to get out, so I volunteered to do yard work!) so we had to leave their house and go directly to my Mother's to make it for Trick or Treating.

The next problem is, since I wasn't at home today, I didn't get to write. I have no posting for tomorrow. I'm going to try to knock it out tonight so I can have it for you guys tomorrow. But, again, I'm insanely tired. I raked and bagged a whole yard of leaves, sat in a doctors office with a fussy child, and then walked around trick or treating. So, I dunno if it'll happen. I'm so so so sorry. I know most of you are super understanding, and I know I do this for fun, so it's not like anyone's going to die if I don't get a post up, but you guys have been so great, I hate dissapointing anyone.

Oh and I don't know, I don't know what he's after

As I pulled up to the house, I saw Greg’s jeep idling in the drive. I sighed, I just didn’t want to do this. I resisted the urge to bust a u-turn and pulled in behind him. Grabbing my bags, I stepped out of the car, Greg spotted me, and jumped down from his.

“Sorry I’m late.” I said. Seeing him did make my stomach flip a little. There was something so sexy to me about a guy in a hoodie. Greg was wearing a gray Ohio State hoodie with regular jeans. He looked so casual, yet so yummy at the same time. He smiled at me, slow and easy, and my stomach flipped again.

And then, I was angry. I didn’t want to like Greg anymore. What he had done was an asshole move, to beg me to tell him personal information, and then get all nervous when I did! And then, to just walk away and leave me wondering where we were at? How could he dump something like that on me, especially with everything else he knew I was going through?

I smiled a quick smile at Greg, and breezed on by him towards the house.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I have some errands to run. I thought maybe we could talk in the car on the way?” I said, unlocking the door.

This was a lie. I didn’t really have any errands to run. I was taking the last puppy to his new home, but I could have done that after Greg had left. I just didn’t want to be alone with Greg inside the house. He could have been here to officially break things off with me, or he could be here to try to smooth things over. I just wanted to be out and about either way.

“Uh, sure.” He replied, walking up behind me.

“Great, just let me grab a few things…” I said, motioning for him to wait on the porch. I dropped my bags inside the door, and got the puppy out of the crate. I leashed him, and was back outside, locking up.

I ignored Greg while walking to my car, instead getting on the phone to call the family and let them know I was on the way. I was half tempted to stick the dog in the front seat, leaving Greg to sit in the back, but that would have been too obvious of a snub.

“So.” Greg started when I was off the phone and driving down the street.

“So?” I asked, with a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

“No work today?”

“I called off. I didn’t feel so good. It’s been a rough week.”

“Oh…” He trailed off. “Yeah, we had an early dismissal today. So. Here I am.”

I didn’t respond.

“Ella, are you mad at me?” He asked. “I just get the feeling that you don’t really want to see me today.”

“Funny. I got that feeling during lunch yesterday.”

“Ella…”

“Look, Greg. I have like, a lot of stuff to do, and I’m thinking of calling off the rest of the week and heading out of town a little early, so. I mean, you wanted to talk. So, we can either have awkward bullshit conversation this whole car ride and wait till we get home to talk, or we can talk now and possibly have the rest of the car ride for awkward bullshit conversation. Either way, I’m not really up for doing this whole ‘figure out guy code’ dealio today. So you tell me which option you’d like, and I’ll go along with it.”

Greg was quiet for a moment.

I pulled up to the people’s house. “I’ll be right back. You can decide which one you’d like while I’m gone.” I said, slamming the door behind me.

I spent a few minutes going over the paperwork with the parents, and watching their kids play with the last puppy helped melt some of my frustration and tension away. My mood was a little better when I got back into the car.

“Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you angry yesterday. That was not my intention.” Greg said as I was backing out of their driveway.

“Then what were your intentions?” I asked. I had been planning on going on a few more fake errands, but changed my mind. If Greg were to officially break it off with me, I wanted to be at home so he could just leave, and I wouldn’t be stuck in a car with him. I knew if he did end things, I would be bummed. We hadn’t dated that long, but getting rejected is never a good feeling, I don’t think anyone likes it.

“I… Don’t know. It was just, a lot. We’ve been on a few dates, and I like you but. It’s been awhile Ella, since I’ve been in a serious relationship… It was just a lot, and it kind of freaked me out a little.”

“But you told me to tell you!” I yelled at him.

“I know! I know! That wasn’t fair of me, and I’m sorry for that. I just wasn’t expecting it be all that.”

“I get it Greg, I mean I know it was a lot. And normally I wouldn’t dump something like that one someone right away. But you practically begged me to tell you, and when I did, you bolt. It just sort of sends of red flags.”

“I mean Ella, I could say the same about your confession, you know. That divulging that kind of information so soon sends up red flags, not to mention what the information was about. But, I don’t think that’s very fair. I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. The question is, how long are you going to hold it against me?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly.


We continued driving the rest of the way home in silence. I was expecting Greg to leave when we got back to my house, but as I parked, he sat in the passenger’s seat, waiting.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked, not really because I wanted him too, but because I felt like I should.

“Is this conversation over?” He asked.

“I don’t really know where else it could go. I mean, you’re sorry, I’m sorry. But I’m not sure if the damage is done. I mean you just kissed me for the first time the other night. This seems like a lot of stress for a relationship that hasn’t even started yet.”

Greg looked down at his hands.

“I just, honestly, feel like an idiot. Have you ever done something, and the second it was over, known that you made a really big mistake and wished you could take it back?”

I had to laugh, that hit so close to home.

“Yeah.” I answered. “It seems like that’s been happening a lot lately.”

“If I tell you one of my secrets, and kind of the reason I flipped, will it make you feel better?” He asked, looking up at me. His eyes were so sincere, and so gorgeous, that again, I felt that flip in my stomach. I wanted to lean over and kiss him, just because I could, but acting on impulse lately was what had gotten me into most of the messes I was in right now. I bit my lip.

“I can’t honestly say yes or no. But, I think it would make ME feel a little less dumb for pulling a TMI too soon.”

He nodded. “Can we go out back and talk?” He asked, reaching for the door handle.

“Sure.” I answered.

My back yard was starting to fill with bright red, yellow, and orange leaves. Greg went and sat down on the picnic table, and I went inside to let Cumulus out, who went racing around in the leaves, throwing them everywhere. Even Greg, who had looked quite serious ever since he admitted that he had a secret, had to laugh a little at Cue. Waiting to get some tension out, I chased Cumulus around for a minute, eventually tiring and falling back into a pile of leaves that Matt must have half-heartedly raked. Greg watched me for a moment, and then came over and laid down next to me, putting one arm behind his head as a pillow.

“I love leaves. The way they smell, look, and even sound when you walk on them. And how they swish when you walk through them. Fall is my favorite.” I said, trying to lighten the mood. I scooted over and rested my head on Greg’s chest. He slung his other arm around me, and I entwined my hand with his.

“So. Go. Spill this deep dark secret.” I said, cuddling up to him.

“Well. The thing is, my last serious relationship was REALLY serious…”

“How serious?” I asked, twisting my body so I was looking up at him.
“We were married. I didn’t know when to drop that on you. You’re the first girl I’ve really dated since her, and so, I’m kind of new at all of this.”

“Oh…” I said, trailing off, not knowing what else to say.

“She lives in California… With our son.”

This caused me to sit up. “You have a son?” I asked, shocked.

“I know, I know. I should have told you. Again, this is all so new, I just didn’t know how much was too much, and… It’s also tricky because I don’t get to see him a lot. He’s a huge part of my life, obviously. We call and email and skype a lot, but. He’s not a huge physical part of my life, do you know what I’m saying?”

I nodded, still shocked.

“See.” He said, sitting up next to me. “I was afraid this would happen.”

“What?” I asked, dazed.

“You’re freaked out.”

“No, I’m not.” I answered, shaking my head. “Shocked, yeah. Not freaked. It’s just a lot.”

“Well. Now you know how I felt.” He said, smirking.

“I don’t have a problem dating someone with a kid. Even a kid who’s around a lot more. It’s just, I dunno. I kind of wish you had told me sooner.” I said, shrugging.

He started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, confused.

“You’re freaked because I didn’t share enough information, and I’m freaked because you shared too much.”

I smiled. “That is pretty funny.”

“You think we’ve got something here still, or no?” He asked, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t know Greg. I think right now we just should take it one day at a time.” I answered.

He laid back down, and after a moment, I cuddled up next to him. I wasn’t ready to call it quits for sure, but I also needed a break. I needed calm, constant Drew, and I decided that I was going to leave to see him as soon as Drew left.

Hey, tomorrow's posting is going to be a little late. I would post it tonight, but I'm way too tired to have to edit it so that there's spaces, and then to find a title. But tomorrow I have to take my sister to work and then take my son to get his second flu shot, so it'll be up probably late morning/early afternoon. Sorry guys, it's just been a rough couple of days with my son not sleeping well, and I'm so tired.

Whatever Wednesday: Thinking ahead

So. Halloween is almost here, and over with. My mind is already on Christmas.

People think I'm nuts, but I'm the type of person who likes to have things over with. It's funny because I'm one of the least organized people I know, but that doesn't mean I'm not a planner. I've already started my Christmas shopping, and I hope to have it all done by the end of November. It'll help that we've told everyone this year that we'd rather focus on my son, therefore not expecting a lot of gifts from others, nor are we buying a lot of gifts for other people. I already have most of my Mom's gift done, my brother's gift is done, and I at least know what I'm getting everyone else. I've ordered and gotten my Christmas cards, and I made my son a stocking out of some of his old baby clothes... I am on it.

But, once again, for one of the presents I need your guys help. One of my friends just bought her first house, and will hopefully be engaged by the end of this year. She's been in a really domestic mood, and has really gotten into cooking, baking, and making things. I wanted to make her a little cook book, I guess I would say. I'm going to put in some of our family favorite recipes, and I was wondering if you guys had any? Also, any crafty things, like she's been into making her own candles and stuff, so. I was planning on going back into the 15 miles blog, because I know she posted some neat crafty things.

If anyone would also like me to forward them the recipes when I get them, let me know. It would probably be easiest to email them to me (nothingmorethanlaura@gmail.com), instead of leaving them in the comments, but I would REALLY appreciate any recipes. I know you guys have 'em!

I have to mention swagbucks again. If you haven't joined, you should. If you want to know what it's about, or get my referral link, either email me or check the last whatever Wednesday. I really REALLY appreciate all the people who joined last time, I got like, 20 swagbucks over night, which is a super big help with Holiday shopping as well. But I have to remind you again, I don't get anything just for you signing up (it sucks, I know). You actually have to use swagbucks in order for me to get anything, so if you aren't going to use it, I wouldn't sign up. But, I just got my 4th 5 dollar amazon card, soooo I would say swagbucks is worth it! (My giftcards are going towards Christmas shopping, nice way to save some money!)

Also, I didn't get too many blog suggestions, so I wanted to remind you guys, if you want your blog, or a blog you love to read, up on the side links, just email me the link. Also let me know the blog title, and if it's fiction or non fiction. I've gotten a few people who have emailed me blogs, but I wanted to remind you guys, any blog is fair game (but also, click links at your own risk, because I don't always read all of them, and can't tell you the content!)

We've been really busy with fall activities, as I mentioned in the last blog. I'm ready for Halloween to be over, we've been running around so much. Last week we did the pumpkin patch, Thursday we hit up the Pumpkin Show, which was a lot of fun (they had these creepy pumpkins with faces in them. I mean like, uncarved. They grew them in a mold, they freaked me out.) And we ate a TON. Pumpkin doughtnuts (they made them fresh for us. I'm not a huge pumpkin fan, but these were SO good), pumpkin sloppy joes (yeah I know, it was gross), apple cider slush... The best were probably the pumpkin buckeyes. Does anywhere else make buckeyes besides Ohio? If not, I'll have to pass on that recipe. So tasty.

Saturday we then went to this program called Boo at the Zoo. Our Zoo sets up trick or treat stations, and they do enrichment activities with the animals (they gave the animals pumpkins this time. I'm not sure if there was anything in them. I know sometimes they stuff objects with treats and the animals have to figure out how to open them.) It was a blustery day, windy, chilly, and we kept getting hit with random rain. It wasn't a great day, I was pretty annoyed. We were supposed to meet some friends there at one. We called them at 1:30 only to find out that not only were they not coming, they hadn't bothered to call to tell us either. I hate when people do that. I don't have a problem with canceling, but it's like, give me as much notice as possible, ya know? It's just rude to me.

Sunday we had a great day. It was supposed to be super busy. We were supposed to go do yard work at my in laws, stop by a birthday party, run by boo at the zoo again (we're members, so it doesn't cost anything to get in, and my Aunt works for Target and was supposed to be handing out candy, so we were going to stop by and see her.) And then go see friends and meet their new baby. Well, my Mother in law called Saturday, she's "sick" (I personally think she's just trying to get attention since my FIL has this heart thing now. I find it funny that he was talking about scheduling his test, and all of a sudden she's "sick". But, she did say the doctor took cultures, so, I wasn't risking bringing the baby around her. Plus, it meant I didn't have to see her, so, score one for me!) My Aunt ended up having to cancel going to boo at the zoo, and our friends had gone to a wedding Saturday night, and got back later than they planned on Sunday, so they canceled too. So, we got to spend more time at the birthday party, which was fun.

So, now on to two scheduling notes I have. My Father in law scheduled his test to see where his blockage is (again, I don't know what it's called. I think they inject him with some dye, and stick a tube up through his groin...) He scheduled it for the 12th. I'm trying to be able to go to the hospital with my husband that day and wait, but it depends if my sister can get off work and watch the baby, as well as a few other things. Anyway, I'm not really sure what's going to happen, I don't know if I'll be able to go, and I don't know what to expect after. They made my Uncle stay there and have surgery asap (well, I dunno if it was after this test, or after the stress test, but after he had one of the tests, they refused to let him go home, and said they needed to do the surgery NOW.) They are moving awfully slow on all of this, so maybe it's not as urgent as my Uncle's situation, I don't know. Basically, you may or may not get a post on the 12th. You may or may not get a post the day after. I'll try to let you know what's going on as soon as I know.

Secondly, I try to post when I first get up in the morning, while my son's eating breakfast. However, that may start being later morningish. My son has reverted back to his newborn sleep patterns, he seriously got up every two hours last night. I don't know what his deal is, but I'm done with it. I don't know if I've mentioned before, my son sucks at sleeping. He slept through the night for the first time at 3 months old. He did it for a few nights, and quit. It was as if he was showing me: I CAN sleep through the night, I just don't WANT too. We tried a lot of the doctors suggestions, and I've tried several books. The thing is, I hate letting him cry it out, because most often, he's hungry at night. The books and the doctors told me to up his calories during the day, feed him more... But the thing about Cayden is, if he's not hungry, he won't eat. So while I would try to give him more bottles during the day (and now, more regular food) if he doesn't want it, I don't care WHAT I put in front of the child (cake, cookies, candy, steak, whatever) he won't eat it.

Anyway, he FINALLY got a little better around nine months, but still really wasn't sleeping ALL the way through the night. He'd get up once, maybe twice, and I could deal, because usually one of those times fell when I was still awake. But Sunday night he was up a bunch, and then last night, no joke, every two hours, if not more. I'm so at the end of my rope, it's not even funny. And even more annoying is I have to listen to my Mom say things like "He'll sleep through the night when he's ready. He's just a baby, blah blah blah." If he does back to waking once or twice a night, whatever, I'll deal. But my 13 month old (which, he turns 13 months today, yay!) should NOT be getting up that much.

So, my point. We may be going back to crying it out. We started doing this when he was 9 months, and it's what helped improve his sleeping. We stopped doing it, and maybe that was our big mistake. Now, no lectures on crying it out. I don't like to do it, and I did try other methods before this. I only tried this after two separate pediatricians told me to do it. I think I mentioned before with babies and advice, different things work for different babies. This is what works for our baby, though I do wish something else worked. I hate doing it. Cayden and I tend to lose a lot of sleep the first couple nights, but he does catch on quickly. My whole point is, because of this, postings may be a little late (as in, later in the mornings.)

And lastly, I've been feeling a little disconnected from the story lately. I've having a few family issues right now, it's nothing major, just a bunch of little annoyances or minor things that keep adding up, so I don't know if I'm stressed or what. Plus, I'm trying to move on to the next big drama, so. I'm not entirely happy with tomorrow's posting, but I also don't know if I'm going to have the time/desire to fix it. I'm hoping that once I'm past this transition, I'll be back to feeling normal, but, if not, I may have to cut down the posting schedule just to kind of focus on other things. It's not a definate change yet, just wanted to let you know that if tomorrow's posting seems like I'm a little off my game, it's because I am.

Alright, that's all that's going on with my life. What about yours? Are you guys getting ready for the holidays?

FB: Baby we could rock the night alone

I felt stuck. I didn’t want to listen to this, but I was also too embarrassed to tell whoever was getting it on to knock it off. And, I was also angry. I had a feeling that only Michelle could be that tactless, and I knew it either had to be Drew, or Sean that she was messing with.

So, I poked Jacob. Really hard. He woke up yelling, which quickly silenced the couple. I pretended to be asleep, and Jacob grumbled and rolled over.

I didn’t have the easiest time falling asleep. Every noise I heard, I wondered if it was the couple starting up again. And, my mind was racing, trying to figure out who it was, and how exactly I was going to murder Michelle without getting caught.

It took me awhile to fall back asleep, and I couldn’t really stay asleep. So, when the morning light filtered into the barn, and people started waking up, I was really grumpy, and I wasn’t in the mood for anyone.

“I’m going to run and get doughnuts and coffee.” Drew announced. “Anyone want to come with?”

“I will.” I said, eyeing Michelle.

“I’ll go too.” She said, starting to get up.

“No. You won’t.” I said, struggling to get off the mattress.

“Ella!” Drew said, shocked. “She can come if she wants too.”

“No, I need to talk to you. Alone. So, you and I can go. She can stay here.” I said firmly.

Michelle shot me a look, and I knew she wanted to say something, but being bitchy would have ruined the whole wounded puppy act she was trying to maintain. I could tell Drew was annoyed with me by the look he shot me, but I just shrugged.

“Hey, I’m going in to town to pick up an order with Drew, can you call it in?” I asked Jacob.

“Yeah.” He answered, kissing me quickly and going off to take everyone’s coffee order.


Drew and I walked quietly to his truck, the ground crunching beneath our feet was the only sound. I was now convinced that it was Drew that Michelle had hooked up with the night before. Why else would he be so defensive of her?

And how could he do something like that? First of all, was his skank radar broken? Drew was a very good judge of character, and I just couldn’t understand how he couldn’t see how evil Michelle really was. Secondly, hooking up in the middle of a room full of people? How gross can you be? Even if he didn’t think Michelle wasn’t a total whore, he had to have known that having sex, or attempting to have sex, in the middle of a bunch of people was a whorish thing to do.

To top it all off, how could he defend her against me? He was supposed to be my best friend, I knew him better than anyone, and he should have known me better than anyone, and therefore trusted me when I said I thought someone was bad news.

I was steaming by the time we got to the truck. I had a hard time hefting myself up into the truck, but I wouldn’t dare ask Drew for his help. He watched with a mix of amusement, annoyance, and confusion as I huffed and puffed and pulled myself up.

I think I ended up pulling a muscle, but I slumped into the seat and slammed the door shut behind me, crossing my arms over my chest. I suddenly didn’t want to talk to him at all. I felt like pouting, like he should be the one trying to talk and explain things to me.

“Well?” He said, halfway into our trip into town.

“Well what?” I answered, looking out the window.

“Are you going to tell me why you were so rude to Michelle back there? I mean you said you had to talk. So speak, woman.”

“Maybe you should be explaining yourself to me! Just what were you doing with Michelle last night?”

“Uh. Sitting?” He replied.

“You know what I mean. What is your DEAL with her?”

“Nothing Ella. We just talked, will you chill out?”

“Oh-ho-ho.” I laughed. “You were NOT just talking. I HEARD you Drew!” ,br>
“You heard me what?” He asked, confused.

“I was awake last night. When you and Michelle were…”

“Sleeping?” He answered. “Ella, I drank quite a lot last night. I passed out as soon as I hit the pillow, so I really have no clue what you’re talking about.”

That stunned me into speechlessness. All I could think about was, if it wasn’t Drew and Michelle, it had to be have been Sean and Michelle. My stomach hit the floor. His wife, his kids… For a second, I’ll admit I was a little gleeful. I wouldn’t have to kill Michelle, Jen was going to do it for me! I didn’t talk the rest of the way, I just starred out the window trying to figure out just how I was going to handle this one.


When we got back from the bakery, I immediately started trying to get Sean alone. It wasn’t easy, Jen was out in the barn, and while our relationship had gotten slightly better since the going away party, I knew she still didn’t like me, and she wasn’t going to leave me alone with her husband. She was still jealous of the close relationship I had with the boys, the one thing she had over me was that she was closer to Sean that I was, and she wasn’t going to do anything to risk that.

Eventually, Sean’s Mom came out and scolded us, telling us we needed a “proper breakfast”, and recruited Michelle and Jen to help her cook us brunch. Sean was left alone on the couch.

I looked around, trying to make sure the others weren’t paying attention. I didn’t want anyone to hear that Sean and Michelle slept together and jump to conclusions, Jason might kill Sean. Jacob, Nick, and Drew were still scarfing down doughnuts even after Sean’s Mom announced that she was cooking a huge brunch. Jason and Kayla were nowhere to be seen, and I assumed had either gone off to get some alone time, or maybe to catch some more sleep. Both had drank and awful lot last night. Toni was close to Sean, but she looked asleep. I walked over to Sean and sat down.

“Wanna tell me what was going on last night?” I asked.

Sean shrugged. “Not much to tell.”

“C’mon Sean.” I said, my voice quiet but firm. “You can’t tell me that there wasn’t something between you and Michelle. I know. I heard you.”

With that said, Sean’s whole face turned red.

“Ella, it’s not a big deal…”

“So you admit it!” I hissed. “How could you do that to Jen? To your CHILDREN?”

“Ella. Calm down. It was just a little fun, it’s harmless.” His tone pissed me off, it was like he didn’t even care.

“I can’t believe you Sean! I really can’t. How can you cheat on your wife and say it was nothing, just a little fun?”

“We flirted Ella, that’s not cheating. It’s just talk, is all. I mean I’ll admit, Jen would kill me if she heard, and I wouldn’t like it if she did it to me. But, I wouldn’t say it was cheating.”

“What do you mean? I heard you last night Sean, it sure sounded like cheating to me.”

“We were just talking. That’s it. I did tell her she was hot, she did touch my shoulder a couple of times, but that was it. Do you have any idea what it’s like being married? It gets boring Ella. I have to mix it up a little bit sometimes. I’m sure Jen flirts with other guys when I’m not around.”

I sighed, exasperated.

“Sean, I really think you’d feel a lot better if you just owned up to it, and you’re really starting to piss me off. You’re acting like this doesn’t matter, or like it’s not serious. It’s like you don’t even care about Jen or the kids! How could you? You’re being so freaking selfish!”

“I am owning up to everything I’ve done!” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I told you Ella. We talked. That was it. My life is tough. I can’t be like other people my age and just go out and have a good time whenever I feel like it. I have responsibilities and stresses. But, I love my kids, I love my wife. I do love my life, El. I wouldn’t cheat on Jen.”

The tone of his voice made me believe him.

“So. You weren’t awake last night?” I eyed him carefully, looking for cracks in his story.

“Ella, I was out like everyone else. We all drank way too much.”

“Someone wasn’t asleep…” I mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I answered.


Sean left me alone on the sofa, sitting lost in my thoughts. I believed Sean, but now I was starting to doubt Drew. Why would he lie to me though? Was Michelle really worth our friendship? What was she doing to him?

I was slumped down on the sofa, stewing and pouting, when Toni came over and sat beside me.

“Oh, hey Tone, I didn’t know you were awake.” I said, glancing over at her. “How are you feeling?”

“A little tired actually. I didn’t sleep a lot last night.”

“Oh?” I asked, wondering if maybe she heard the couple too.

“Yeah, listen Ella, I overheard you talking to Sean…”

“Yeah? Did you hear the… Noises… Last night too?” I wondered if she could help me figure out who it was.

“Well, Ella, yeah… I heard them…”

“Do you have any idea who it was?” I asked, turning wide eyed to face her.

She was quiet for a moment.

“You DO!” I accused, pointing. “You have to tell me, Toni. I know it has to be Michelle, but she was sleeping between Drew and Sean, and I can’t figure out which one of them did it. She’s such a skank, and she’s out to get one of them just to piss me off. Did you get that skank vibe from her too? Because all the guys think I’m crazy.” I babbled.

“Well. I dunno about Michelle. I haven’t really spent a ton of time with her.”

“So?” I prompted. “Who was she hooking up with?”
“I don’t know. But I know who I was hooking up with.” She said, looking sheepish.

“Toni! You and Nick?” I exclaimed.

Another ditch in the road, you keep moving

Jarren and I weren’t too close anymore. We had had a few falling outs over the years, and I was annoyed with her immaturity. I think she was slightly jealous of me, and how I had my life together, but she didn’t want to put any effort into getting her own life together. Her whole life was a mess, she couldn’t hold down a job, not because of lay-offs or bad luck, but simply because she didn’t feel like working. She and her father, who she lived with, had a rocky relationship. Partly because her Dad was a huge asshole, and partly because he got annoyed with her freeloading and carefree attitude. She desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but couldn’t maintain one of those either. She tried to hook guys by having sex with them right off the bat, and didn’t understand why guys wouldn’t call her the next day. I didn’t have a problem with her one night stands, if that’s what she wanted, more power too her. What I had a problem with was her whining after the one night stands that guys ALWAYS did this to her. You can’t do the same thing over and over again, and not expect different results. However, I could be accused of doing the same thing with Jarren. I was annoyed by her in general, and yet I still kept hanging out with her, hoping she would change. Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

I had attempted to distance myself from her. She didn’t put up too much of a protest. She was one of those people who only wanted to hang out if she got something out of it: if I was buying her something, if I’d give her gas money to come see me (I live in the very north part of Columbus, and Jarren lives in the very south part. However, she has never once given me gas money to come see her.) Sometimes I felt more like her parent then her friend. So, when I got sick of it, it was easy to call and ask her to come over to hang out, and have her beg off, saying she had no gas (and hinting she wanted me to give her money.) I could say “maybe next time” and leave it alone.

This morning, however, I had really wanted to see her. Jarren, queen of horrible decisions, had dated a married man for six months. He did, eventually leave his wife, but it was after he had dumped Jarren. I wasn’t planning on dating Jason, but I did want to talk to someone whom had been in the situation, and would know what I was going through. I wasn’t even sure Jarren would offer good advice, but I needed to get it off my chest and knew she wouldn’t judge me. So, I offered not only to pick Jarren up so she wouldn’t have to waste gas, but also to take her out to breakfast.

I picked Jarren up, and we drove the short distance to my favorite breakfast place, a tiny dive in German Village called the German Village Coffee Haus. They served fantastic food, my favorite being HUGE pancakes. There was also a hip little bakery a few doors down that made yummy cupcakes. It was a must hit after every breakfast.
She was grumpy and quiet when she got into the car, not used to waking up before noon. She warmed up quickly as soon as we were seated and she had a hot cup of coffee in front of her.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever Ella. I miss my friend!” She exclaimed, sipping slowly.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Jarren loved guilt trips.

“Sorry, I’ve been busy. With work.” I kept my tone light, but we both know I was bringing up the fact that I worked, and she didn’t.

“Well what’s been going on?” She asked, ignoring my shot at her. “You still seeing what’s his face?”

“Greg?” I asked, setting aside my menu. “That’s complicated, but not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” She asked, glancing at her menu. “Well, what’s up?”

“Jason…” I started. I didn’t really know how to finish. I took a deep breath and tried again. “Jason kind of admitted he was still in love with me.”

“Whoa.” Jarren said, looking up. “What’d you do?”

“I bolted.” I said, laughing slightly. “But, that didn’t stop him. He showed up at my house yesterday. And we kinda…”

“Ohmygod. You guys did it!” Jarren shouted, a little too loud.

“Shhh. Yeah. We did.”

“Way to go Ella!” She laughed. “I knew you and Jason would end up together. What about Greg?”

“We’re not getting together, Jarren. It was a mistake. I feel horrible about it. I just, don’t know what to do.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t feel bad. You and Greg haven’t been seeing each other for that long. It’s not a big deal. You and Jason have history.”

“I don’t feel bad for Greg! We never had the whole exclusive talk, so I don’t feel like I cheated on him. I feel bad because Jason’s married!”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, I mean, sucks to be Kayla.” Jarren replied.


My mouth dropped at her attitude, but before I had a chance to respond, the waitress came over to take our order. As soon as she left, I had to hold myself back from ripping into Jarren.

“Really? That’s all you’ve got to say? What if it were you?”

“What if it were me what?” She asked, confused.

“What if you were Kayla, and your husband cheated on you?”

She shrugged. “I mean, if you can’t keep your man…”

I rolled my eyes. I had wanted to talk to Jarren to get it off my chest, but I ended up just feeling worse. I knew this conversation wasn’t going anywhere. I decided to let it go, but I think Jarren and I could both feel the mood shift. The rest of the breakfast was awkward, filled with long stretches of silence. We did hit the bakery after breakfast, but as we piled into the car, Jarren looked at me.

“So, what’s next?” She asked, smiling.

“I’ve got to go home. I went home early yesterday and I called off today. I really should try to catch up on some work.” The truth was, I was planning on going home and watching sappy romance movies until Greg came back over. But, I didn’t want Jarren to invite herself over.

“Whatever.” She huffed, clearly upset.

I sighed. I didn’t want to spend every second with Jarren anymore. But, I still felt bad. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“I’m going out of town this weekend. But, next weekend, maybe we can hang?” I asked, stopping in front of her house.

“We’ll see.” She answered, not bothering to say goodbye as she slammed the door behind her.


I had planned to go home and veg out until Greg got there. I didn’t want it to look like I put any effort into getting ready for this talk, I didn’t want it to look like it mattered, but I also wanted to relax so I wouldn’t be a nervous wreck when he showed up. I figured vegging out in front of some movies would had been perfect, but suddenly I wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to go into an empty house and think. I decided to go to the mall.

I could have called Jarren and asked if she wanted to come with me, but I didn’t. For one, I didn’t want to blow a bunch of money on her. And, I just kind of wanted to be aimless. I didn’t want to care about what someone else wanted to do, or where they wanted to go, or filling the air with mindless chatter. I had planned on maybe buying myself some new clothes, to amp up my wardrobe, but other than that, I had no plan. To kill time. To stop thinking. And I had found that shopping was a good way to clear your mind.

While wandering from store to store, eyeing and handling objects, I had finally come to the conclusion that all I could do, was let this whole Jason and me thing go. I felt badly about it, and I sure as hell felt guilty. But I couldn’t fix it. The only thing I could really do was tell Kayla, and if I did that… Well. I would feel better, but she wouldn’t. Was that fair? To give Kayla my hurt and my pain, especially when I was the one who caused it?

Before I knew it, I had an armful of shopping bags, and needed to leave to meet Greg.

FB: The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart

Sean had stammered an excuse to me, but I barely waited to hear it. My point had been made, and I still needed to use the bathroom. The house was dark, most people were outside, and Sean’s parents had rented port-a-john’s for the party. I, however, didn’t think I could fit in one with the crutches and all, and I hated them, so I chose to sneak into the house.

I used the closest bathroom, the half bath off the kitchen. I peed, checked my makeup, and washed my hands. As I exited the bathroom, I flicked off the light, and jumped when I saw a shadow move in the kitchen.

“Aw, did I scare you?” I heard Michelle say.

“Kind of. Do you make a habit of roaming around strange houses in the dark?”
“Do you?” She responded.

“It’s not a strange house. I’ve known Sean for forever, this is like my second home.” I answered, going to move past her.

“I know you’re threatened by me. And I understand why. But, just so you know, I don’t have to steal Jacob from you, he’ll get tired of you on his own. He always does.”

I stopped, but didn’t bother to turn around.

“Look, Michelle. Maybe you’re right. Maybe Jacob will get tired of me. Maybe this is just a game he’s playing. But, I’m willing to take that chance, because I think he’s worth it. I’m even willing to put up with you and your low self esteem issues. But stay away from my married friends. Trust me, Jen is someone even you don’t want to cross.”

I walked off, steaming. Michelle had gotten to me, she was just one of those girls who knew how to crawl under your skin and sink their claws in. I didn’t like the way she laid claim to every guy she saw, and while she may not have known that Sean was married, I don’t think it would have mattered much to her either way. But, I also knew that by arguing with her, or getting upset in front of her, I would just give her what she wanted, the satisfaction of knowing she got to me.

When I got back to the couch, Jacob was surrounded by people.

“Hey!” He called, smiling. “What took you so long? I thought you got lost!”

“No I was just…”

“She was talking to me.” Michelle answered for me, smiling fake and wide. I hadn’t realized she had been following me.

“Yeah.” I answered, smiling fake right back at her.

“Here.” Jacob said, pulling me down gently on his lap. “Sit with me.”

“Aw, there’s no room for me.” Michelle squealed. I fought the urge to cringe. “Oh, Drew right? Do you mind?”

“No, no problem.” Drew said, getting ready to stand. Michelle beat him to the punch though, and sat straight in his lap.

Drew looked shocked for a moment. “I can get up and stand, Michelle. It’s no problem.”

“Oh no, I’m fine. This is fine. Are you OK?”

Drew nodded. I knew he had to be uncomfortable, but there’s no way he’d tell Michelle that.

We continued to talk and joke, and the boys drank a little more. I tried to concentrate on Jacob and his arms around me, but Michelle was distracting me. I kept looking over to watch her and Drew, and much to my dismay, Drew quickly warmed up to her. I wanted to punch her. It was sick, how she hung all over him, giggling and batted her eyelashes. I felt my annoyance and frustration start to build in me until I literally thought I would scream. I tried to keep my cool though, I didn’t want her to know she was getting to me. I tried to pay attention to Jacob, and do my own flirting, I tried to catch up with old friends who I hadn’t seen in awhile. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t help but glance over at Drew and Michelle.

“I’ll be right back, I need to use the bathroom.” Michelle said a little while later, finally removing herself from Drew’s lap.

As soon as she left, I decided to send Jacob away so I could ask Drew what the hell he was thinking.

“Hey Jacob, can you grab me another drink?” I asked, scooting off Jacob’s lap.

“Sure, I need a new beer anyway.” He replied, getting up.

I quickly turned to Drew.

“What are you doing?”

“Uh… Sitting?” He replied.

“No, I mean with the She-devil.”

“You mean Michelle? She seems nice.” He answered, waving me off.

“She was hitting on Sean like, three minutes before she came in here!” I exclaimed.

“Hitting on him? Or just being friendly? Ella I think you’re being just a little paranoid.”

I was about to protest, when Jacob came back, carrying a beer and a soda, with a bag of cheetos stuck under his arm.

People had left, and there was plenty of room of the couch for me, Jacob, Drew, and probably three other people. Still, when Jacob sat down, he pulled me so close that I was practically back on his lap, and when Michelle came back, she ignored the open space, instead choosing Drew’s lap.

The party was starting to wind down, with more and more people leaving. The few that were left had drifted over to us. Soon, all that was left was the core group: Nick and Toni, who were cuddled up next to each other, Jason who was sitting on a chair, and Kayla who was sitting on the floor in between his legs, Jen, and Sean, who looked a little confused and jealous at how Michelle was acting with Drew.

“What should we do now?” Jen asked.

“Twister?” Kayla joked, winking at me.

Everyone laughed, including me. The more time I spent with Jacob, the more relaxed Kayla seemed to get around me.

“I don’t want to leave, but I’m getting sleepy.” Toni said, yawning wide.

“Sleepover?” Sean asked, jumping up. “My parents wouldn’t care if we crashed in here, and I still have all the air mattresses from the camping trip.”

“I don’t want to sleep on the ground.” Jen protested. “Besides, Sean, what about the kids?”

“Mom has them. Come on Jennie, you didn’t let Sean come to our last campout, lighten up already and let him have some fun.” Jason answered.

I expected Jen to bite Jason’s head off, but I think him being gone so long had really made her realized that she did love her baby brother. When she replied, her voice was shockingly sarcasm free.

“He can stay out here, but I’m going to have to skip it.” She yawned. “I’m going to sleep inside. Night guys.” With that, she got up, kissed Sean goodnight, and ruffled Jason’s hair on the way out.


The guys got up and started blowing up air-mattresses. Jen, again, surprised me when she returned with arms full of sheets and blankets. Sean’s Mom was behind her, carrying pillows. When they left, she promised a huge breakfast in the morning for everyone. I loved Sean’s Mom.

When the mattresses were blown up, we had to stop the boys from jumping on the like little kids. They had wanted to wrestle, but the girls didn’t want to sleep on deflated mattresses because someone had poked a hole in one.

The guys did insist that we sleep boy-girl-boy-girl. They were still like kindergarteners and refused to sleep next to another guy. I was relieved when I realized I wouldn’t have to sleep next to Michelle, I was half afraid that I would wake up to her trying to suffocate me or something. But, I was a little less relieved when I saw that she somehow ended up between Drew and Sean. I honestly think I would have preferred her sleeping next to Jacob. I trusted him, I knew he wasn’t going to do anything. I was a little less sure about Drew or even Sean.

Ever since Sean had expressed his unhappiness with Jen to me at the last party, I felt like he was pulling away from her. I don’t know if it was paranoia, if I was just paying better attention because I knew about the situation, or what. I didn’t talk to Jen, and I didn’t know how to approach the subject, so I couldn’t ask if she felt like Sean was distant. I wasn’t a huge Jen fan, but I did believe that she really did love Sean, and there were also two kids to consider. I had tried to ask Sean about it a couple of times, but like a true guy, he clammed up and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I had decided to just leave well enough alone, it wasn’t my marriage after all, but with Michelle being thrown into the mix. Well, I didn’t want her to get his claws into him.

I snuggled down into the blankets as Jacob slipped in on one side, and Drew on the other. They were pretty big air mattresses, and while we had pushed them all together to make one huge bed, there were about three people to every actual mattress. I noticed though that Drew scooted as close as he could to Michelle and her mattress without falling through the crack between them.

I decided there was nothing I could do about it right now, and turned to face Jacob, snuggling into his chest.

“Guess this means I’m not getting lucky tonight, eh?” I joked.

“Well, I wanted it to be special, but I don’t think I want an audience.” Jacob replied, kissing my forehead, and wrapping his arms around me, slipping his cold hands up my shirt and resting them on my sides.

It had been a long day, and so while a few people continued to talk, it didn’t take long for their low voices to die out. I wasn’t sure if they went away because I fell asleep, or because everyone else did. But soon enough, I had slipped easily into a comfortable sleep.

I woke up a little while later. I couldn’t tell if I had been asleep minutes, or hours. My mouth was dry, my face was cold, and my ankle was throbbing. I wanted to sit up, but I knew the air mattress would bounce, and I didn’t want to wake Drew and Jacob up as well. I sat there for a moment, trying to get used to the dark. I heard a few noises, but couldn’t figure out where they were coming from, or what they were exactly.

It took me a second to realize, they were kissing noises, and low moans. Someone was getting some action.

Cuz this is a battle and it's your final last call

I called Matt and told him I suddenly really did feel sick, and asked him to skip dinner. I think he knew I was lying, and asked me if Greg had called or something. I honestly told him no, Greg hadn’t called, I was just feeling ill, which I was, and hung up with him. I wish I could have told him the truth, but I was so ashamed of what I had done, I didn’t want anyone to know.

I then hid out in my room. I didn’t want to see Matt, I didn’t want to see anyone, not even the dogs who whined and scratched at my door to be let in. I was so tired, I thought I might pass out. But, my sheets smelled like Jason. As much as I hated him, and myself right now, I pulled the pillow to my chest, and started to cry all over again.

I tried not to feel sorry for myself very often. My work was constantly shoving other people’s hardships in my face, so I knew as bad as I may have had it at times, there was always someone out there who was going through something worse. But, at this moment, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for myself. It just wasn’t fair. I had wanted Jason practically my whole life, and he was constantly being dangled in front of me, only to have some obstacle in our way or pulling us apart. To finally hear him say that he was the one for me, knowing he had someone else waiting for him at home? It just… Wasn’t fair.

To top it off, there wasn’t really anyone I could talk to about it. It wouldn’t be fair to dump this on Drew, especially after he had said all he had said about Jason and my relationship. I had just told Matt an insane amount of information, Toni would murder me, Nick or Sean would murder Jason. Jarren was the only person I had, and I wasn’t really expecting a whole lot of help from her. She was a pretty self absorbed person, and I was mainly turning to her just so I could get the story off my chest. I thought it might help me feel a little bit better.

I had to fight to go to sleep. I laid there for hours with my eyes closed, trying to shut off my thoughts and drift into what I hoped to be a dreamless sleep. I heard Matt come into the house, heard him putter around, and hesitate outside my door. I heard him turn on the TV. I thought I would be asleep, and then I would realize that I had just blanked out. Finally, after awhile of listening to a quiet house, I had assumed Matt went to bed, and ventured out for a snack.

I was sneaking into the kitchen when I saw Matt sitting at the table, in the dark. His face was illuminated by the screen of his laptop. His face was balanced in his hand, and he looked tired. I could hear the soft bings of an IM. I hesitated for a moment, wanting to slip back into my room, but Cumulus spotted me, and let out a little yip. Matt’s head quickly swiveled in my direction.

“Feel better?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Not really.” I answered, shuffling over to the fridge.

I sighed at the contents. I hated grocery shopping, and always waited till the last minute before I would go. The fridge was empty, except for a stick of butter.

“It looks pretty hopeless, doesn’t it?” Matt said.

“What’d you do for dinner?” I asked, shutting it.

“Ed and I grabbed some dinner. I should have grabbed something for you, I’m sorry.”

There were a couple more bings coming from his laptop. Matt went back to the table and sat back down, typing out a response.

“It’s my fault.” I said, slumping down across from him at the table. “I should have gone to the grocery store.”

“You wanna go grab something? We could hit up a twenty-four hour McDonalds or something. I’m kinda hungry too.”

“Yeah, but. I kinda want to get out of the house. Let’s go to Tee-Jay’s or someplace where we can sit and eat there.” I said, pushing myself up on the table. I didn’t really want to be around Matt, but I was really hungry, and the walls did feel like they were closing in on me a bit.

“Sounds good.” He said. He typed something quickly, and then shut the screen. I still heard two quick bings before he shut it.


I pulled on Drew’s sweatshirt and grabbed the keys. Before we made it to the car, Matt’s cell phone rang. He pulled it out, and looking at the screen, sighed deeply.

“Who is it?” I asked, unlocking the car.

“Kellie.” He said. He didn’t sound excited. “Hi Kell.” He answered.

It’s always awkward to sit in a car when someone else is having a conversation, especially when you can tell they’re being yelled at and you’re trying to act like you’re not listening.

“Kel, I’ll be there in a few days. I know… I know I said I would talk to you, and I will, I’m just grabbing something to eat. Kellie. Stop. I’ll be there this weekend, we’ll spend the whole weekend together and when I get hungry I’ll eat with you… OK, I’m going to go now. I can try to call you when I get home… Well Kellie I don’t know how late it’s going to be! I am just grabbing something to eat but it’s already eleven o’clock! Fine. Fine. Yeah, I’ll call you when I get home. Alright. Love you too. Bye.”

He hung up his phone and shook his head.

“Trouble in paradise?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“She’s just been so damn clingy lately. She wants me to talk to her every second, I swear. Texting, IMing, facebooking, talking on the phone… And if I’m busy she goes ape shit. It’s driving me nuts.”

“Have you told her this?”
“Yeah, and then she accuses me of not wanting her around. I mean I already got reamed at work once for texting her during a meeting, but if I don’t text back right away, she blows up my phone….” He sighed. “I’m also not supposed to say anything, but… The reason I’m going back this weekend? Is to grab some more of my stuff… They offered me a full time position here. I was going to talk to Kellie about it, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to take it.”

“Oh geez, Matt. That’s… Great?” I said, excited but also a little curious to how this was going to work out.

“It’s great for me. Kellie’s going to freak.” He shrugged. “I’m just not sure we’re going to work out anyway. I mean she’s freaking out already, if this is a permanent thing…”

“What about her moving her?” I asked, turning into tee-jay’s parking lot.

“Oh no.” He said, laughing a little. “First, Kellie would never leave home. She’s seriously attached to everything there. Secondly, it’s too soon for that.”

“Too soon?” I asked, swinging into an open spot. “Haven’t you guys dated for… Well, forever?”

“Like I said before, Ella. Sometimes I wonder if I’m with her just because it’s easy.”


We were seated quickly, the place being nearly empty. Tee-Jays didn’t have the best food in the world, but it was one of the few places around here open twenty four hours. The waitress dropped off our menus and took our drink orders, and I settled into the booth.

“So.” Matt said, cracking his menu open. “You’re sick?” He didn’t sound like he believed me.

“Yup.” I answered, hoping that would end the discussion.

“Really Ella?” He asked, looking up from his menu. “What happened?”

“What makes you think something happened?” I didn’t bother to look up from my menu.

“You’re just… Different. I mean you were sad when I left, but now. Well, you just look defeated. You shouldn’t let Greg get to you like that.”

I sighed. Defeated was a good word for how I felt.

“It’s not Greg, Matt. I just. I don’t want to talk about it really.”

“So something did happen?” Matt pried.

“Matt. Don’t want to talk about it. I think I’m going to get a burger.”

He took the hint. “I had a burger for dinner. I think breakfast sounds tasty.”

“I don’t do breakfast for dinner. I just feel so… Cheated when I do.”

Matt laughed and closed his menu. I set mine aside with his.

“So, moving here, eh? Where you gonna live?” I took a long sip from the coke the waitress set in front of me.

“I was hoping I could stay with you for a little bit. Not forever, just till I get my own place.”

I nodded. “That’s fine. I could ask my Dad, he has a few rental properties. I could see if anything’s open. Are you going to be OK with leaving everything behind though?”

“Yeah. I mean this whole Kellie thing is a mess. I think leaving is either going to make or break us, which we need. I’m most worried about leaving my sister. She doesn’t travel well so it’ll be up to me to go home and visit.”

“Well, I mean, the good thing about the agency is we’re pretty flexible with vacation time, as long as it’s not during the summer. If you work camp it is literally impossible to take vacay.”

Matt nodded. The waitress came back and took our orders.

His phone, which he had set on the table, vibrating loudly.

“See what I mean?” He said, picking it up. “A text. From Kellie. I told her I was getting food, yet here she is, texting me, asking me what I’m doing.” His tone was frustrated, and I felt bad. I wished I could call Kellie and tell her to cool it, that she was digging her own grave, but I figured having another girl call and say “back off your boyfriend” might come off a little suspicious.

As Matt was typing a response, my own phone buzzed. Matt’s eyebrow raised.

“Don’t look at me, I have no idea who would be texting me this late.” I said, reaching for my own phone.

Greg: Sry about earlier. Think we need 2 talk. R u awake?

“Who is it?” Matt asked, setting his phone back down.

“Greg. He wants to talk.” I said, trying to decide if I wanted to respond or throw my phone.

“What are you going to do?” Matt asked.

“I have no idea.”

Whatever Wednesday- Fall Fun

Right now my family is gearing up for the holidays. I love this time of year... I love when it's cold enough to break out a sweatshirt, cold enough where it feels good cuddling. It's gorgeous outside, still warm enough for us to go out and enjoy the leaves changing and all that jazz. It's the time of year where you get excited for things to come. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas (well, for us it's Christmas, for you guys it may be Kwanzaa or Chanukah {which if I spelled it wrong, I'm sorry!} Or maybe some other holiday celebration.) It's not to the point where you're frazzled from cooking too much, or from spending too much, or just... Too much Holiday in general. I love it.

Sunday we took Cayden to a pumpkin patch for the first time, along with my best friend and cousin, Stephanie (she's an honorary Auntie) and it was a GORGEOUS day.












His hippo got super dirty, so he rode home in the trunk with the pumpkins so Cayden wouldn't chew on him



Cayden was passed out by the end of the day!







We then came home and made a REALLY yummy apple pie



We also made applesauce, but I didn't take a picture of that! After that, we started to carve pumpkins. Cayden wasn't super interested in the pumpkin goo, he just wanted to play with the scraper.



And here are our pumpkins:



Cayden's pumpkin is supposed to look like him. It has four teeth on the top, and three on the bottom, just like he does!



We have more fall fun planned. Tomorrow, we're going to the Circleville Pumpkin Show, I've never been, so. That should be fun. Saturday, we're heading to the zoo, they do a neat thing called Boo at the Zoo, where kids can dress up and go to the zoo and go to different treat stations and get treats. Sunday we're heading to my in laws house to visit and help with some yard work. I believe my Father in law is doing OK. I called my in laws yesterday, and they never called me back, but my husband called his Mom last night, and she didn't really say much about it. (Though, he didn't ask, he's such a man.) They're still saying they won't even schedule the groin test thingy until he gets over his bronchitis, so. Again, thank you all for all your good wishes, and I'll keep you updated. Then the last of our fall fun wraps up next week (I think it's next week, it's the 29th, I'm so bad with dates) We're taking Cayden trick or treating for the first time. So, YAY for that!


Now, down to some business. I again, have to talk about swagbucks. I'll do this periodically, especially now that I have more followers (Thank you guys, so much, as well, for your AWESOME comments. I really LOVE them. You guys are amazing!)

I've talked about swagbucks on here before. I use it, I love it. I have a couple readers using it right now (Thanks to Jen, who has gotten me TONS of swagbucks!). Swagbucks is a search engine. It's powered by google and by ask.com, so it is a really good search engine (trust me, I use search engines a LOT, and I am SO picky about them.) You sign up, you search, and you will randomly win swagbucks, which you can trade in for free "swag". I know, I hate the whole "free stuff online" crap too, because it's usually a scam to get you to sign up for a credit card or something, or you get a ton of spam. I've been using swagbucks for a couple of months now, and I've gotten two 5 dollar amazon.com giftcards, a 25 dollar restaurant.com giftcard, and I'm about to get my 3rd amazon giftcard. The "swag" include many different things. You can save for ipods, game systems, games, movies, mags, just... A bunch of stuff. If you go hardcore swagbucks, you can friend them on facebook, twitter, follow their blog, and sometimes they'll hand out codes for swagbucks on those sites. They also send out a newsletter (which you don't have to get, I do. It only comes out once a month) and they send out a code in the newsletter as well.

The downfall to swagbucks? If you don't use search engines often, you won't get a ton of swagbucks fast. I've been on it for maybe 2 months, and I've gotten about 170 total. Some of the prizes DO cost a lot of swagbucks. But, you can save. You need to READ the prize information carefully. Sometimes giftcards can't be combined, (amazon giftcards can be though!) and sometimes they have stipulations that come with (the rules, however, are there, they aren't hidden, you don't have to search through tiny text, so that IS an upside, just make sure you READ before you BUY!) The giftcards CAN take awhile to get there. I waited a little less than 2 weeks for my restaurant.com giftcard, and now the amazon giftcards are being sent out twice a month, so don't think it's instant! Still, I think it's worth it, and a couple people have emailed asking me how they can help me out. This is a perfect way. If you use my referal link, every swagbuck you win, I also win, up to 100 swagbucks. So please, sign up, and use it. You can get free stuff, and I can too! If you click this link, the referral should automatically go to me.




Another website I use, which is a lot like swagbucks, except you don't search, is ExpoTV.com It's a website where people go to share their opinions about stuff. You take surveys, upload videos reviewing products, and get points that you can redeem in the shop. Now, I haven't redeemed any points yet, so I dunno how fast it takes to get stuff, but I do like this site. You can also get a chance to try certain products for free (that's why you fill out the surveys, they pick certain people, send them the product, then you review it. You do HAVE to post a video though, if you are chosen to review a product!) You do get more emails than you do with swagbucks, but still not a ton, and they're all from the site and not spam (they email you to notify when you've been asked to complete a survey. I've gotten probably four or five emails. They also were ending up in my spam folder, so if you sign up for this, make sure you watch for it!) My referral link is: http://www.expotv.com/raf/Lerwin1324


The last two sites I'm going to talk about don't really get me anything, I just like them (if you couldn't tell, I think free stuff is awesome. And, if your on facebook, check out the page Freebiesformom and fan them. They've gotten me SO many free samples, awesome coupons, ect.)


One of them is vocalpoint.com. You try products, review them, share your opinion. Occasionally you can sign up to try to be choosen to try a free product (they send it to you, you try it, review it, keep the product. Sometimes it's big stuff, like a TV, sometimes it's smaller, like I recently tried a deodorant, which I LOVED, Secret Clinical Stregth, smells AMAZING!)


The last one is, a couple people and I are starting a new blog. It's not a fictional blog, it's the blog review that I've mentioned before. It's kinda up and running right now, but we need people to tell us what blogs they would like us to review first, so if you could head on over there (http://blogcentralreviewstation.blogspot.com/) and let us know what to review, I would REALLY appreciate it.


And again, I hope I don't sound like a used car salesmen trying to pawn sites off on you guys. For one, I really do think they're amazing. I mean yeah, on two of them if you sign up, it helps me out, but I can get swagbucks on my own. I just think it's a really cool site and would like to spread the word. You guys are ALWAYS free to let me know about awesome deals/sites you guys know of!

And what are y'alls fall plans? Doing anything fun? What are you doing for Halloween?

FB: Right now she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky

Nick and Toni cleared out of the living room shortly after, heading upstairs to take a nap together. I was left alone, and laid down on the comfortable couch to watch TV. I must not have realized exactly how tired I was, because before I knew it, I was gently shook awake.

“Hey Drewbie, when’d you get here?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.


“Just now. You left your bag at the airport. I grabbed it for you. I figured you might need it to get ready for tonight.” He gently lifted my feet, taking extra care with my casted ankle, and sliding underneath and setting them back down on my lap.

“Got the cast, eh?” He knocked on it carefully. “How’s it feel?”

“Good. I mean it’s not comfortable, but I feel better with it being on.”

He reached onto the coffee table where there was a cup of pens. He pulled out a few sharpies.

“May I?” He asked, poised over my cast.

“Be my guest.” I answered, laughing. I knew Drew was a horrible artist, so I wasn’t sure what he’d come up with, but I also knew that my kids would want to sign my cast when I got back to work. The less space for them to argue over, the better. I was willing to let anyone take up room.

I closed my eyes to get in another cat nap as Drew… Well, Drew drew. I had dozed slightly when Drew interrupted with a resounding “Tah-dah!”

I had to laugh. Drew had crudely turned half of my cast into a high-top sneaker.

“Nice, Drew, thanks.”

“Thought it needed a little sprucing up.” Drew said, smiling.

“Will you be bringing a date to the party tonight?” I asked. “I never did ever ask what happened to Holly…”

“Molly.” He corrected quickly.

“Molly.” I repeated.

“We didn’t work.” He said just as quickly. Talking about his romantic life clearly made him uncomfortable, but I pressed on.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know Ella. She’s just, a little clingy. She wanted a relationship, I didn’t.”

“You know Drew, you’ve never had a relationship… I mean, if you were, like… Gay. I’d be totally OK with that.” I treaded lightly, not wanting to step on any toes.
Drew laughed out loud.

“Ella, I’m not gay.” He said, still smiling and shaking his head.

“Drew, I’d be fine with it if you were.” I said sincerely.

“I know, and if I was, I’d be fine with it too. But, I’m not.” He shrugged.

“I just don’t get it. Why no girlfriend then?” I asked, slapping his hand away, he was trying to tickle my toes.

Again, he shrugged. “There just hasn’t been anyone around who’s been worth it.”

“Gee thanks.” I said, pulling my legs off his lap and swinging to a sitting position. The pain meds they have given me at the hospital were started to wear off, and I could feel my ankle throb from the manipulation they had put it through today while casting it.

“Ella.” He said, his face softening. “I didn’t mean you. You don’t count.”

“I know Drewbie, I was just teasing. I just. Would like to see you with a girlfriend.”

“Why?” He asked, sounding a little defensive.

Now it was my turn to shrug. “I dunno. Just wanna see you happy.”

“I AM happy, El. I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy.”

“I know, but you deserve someone.”

“Yeah, well. When I come across someone who’s worthy…” He joked. I smacked him with a pillow.


We spent the rest of the evening getting ready. I had yet to shower in my cast, so that was an interesting experience, as was trying to shave with it on. I ended up covering it with some saran wrap and a couple of plastic bags, taping it off with some duct tape Nick gave me. I knew I missed some spots near the edge of the plastic while shaving, but I’m fairly confident that when I ripped the tape off, that took care of it. I wanted to look really good, for Jacob, a little for Jason, and to really rub it in Michelle’s face. I emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and tried to make it to the bedroom as quickly as I could. It turns out, trying to hold up a towel while “walking” on crutches is pretty much impossible. I ended up dropping the towel halfway to the room. Luckily the boys were watching TV downstairs, and Toni was starting dinner

I looked through my bag that Drew had brought up, and eyed my strappy wedge sandals sadly. I would look stupid wearing just one, not to mention it was probably a little dangerous, and my good foot would be killing me by the end of the night. I shoved them to the side. Underneath were a pair of plain black flip flops that I had brought for the pool. They had also gone unused. I sighed, and pulled them out and set them on the floor. I pulled out my dress. It was a turquoise halter top maxi dress. The bottom half was a silky material with swirling greens and blues. I thought the turquoise brought out some of the green in my eyes, and again, I thought I looked fabulous in a halter top. The halter was cut low and tight over my chest, and then flowed out, a lot like my prom dress, hiding any trouble areas. And it hid my cast well. I only wished that I didn’t have to hobble around on crutches.
I pulled out my strapless bra, and again sighed. If Jacob and I did do the deed tonight, it was not my sexiest bra. I think it’s hard to make a sexy strapless bra, but this one was plain, and in an ugly brown color. It was the only strapless I owned though, and I knew I couldn’t go bra-less, especially in case something happened and my dress came undone. I made up for it with a silky black thong. Thong’s weren’t really my thing, boy shorts were, but I could suffer through it for a night. I slipped the halter over my head, relishing the feel of the silky material over my body. I pulled the front of my hair back into a half pony-tail, leaving the rest hanging down. I opted to let it air dry, hoping it would curl a little. Again, I went basic on the makeup, just a little to accentuate my eyes. Then I slipped on one flip-flop and headed down the stairs.


Toni had made a basic dinner of grilled chicken and vegetables. We ate quietly on the back deck, with Drew and Nick talking about the plans for the house, and Toni and I discussing babies. (We had let Drew in on the secret, Toni and Nick knew that I told him everything anyway, and Nick argued that since a girl knew, he should be allowed to have a boy who knew too.) The boys were drinking a few beers. I wasn’t going to be drinking, I didn’t think it was smart to get drunk and then need to walk around on crutches, and Toni couldn’t drink, so we decided we’d use her as a designated driver, and then she had an valid reason for not drinking.


I had butterflies walking into Sean’s parents house. Jason’s parents had wanted to host the party at their house, but the addition of Jacob’s friends and family had pushed them over capacity. Sean’s farmhouse was the perfect spot. His parents had also recently redecorated the barn to turn it into a more functional area. It was mainly used as a spacious place for the grandkids to play, but they had pushed all the toys to the side and set up tables and chairs, and had even brought down a few of the dusty couches from the loft.

I was actually a little nervous about seeing Jen and Sean, I hadn’t really seen them since the last party debacle. As much as I didn’t like Jen, I had hoped that they had worked their issues out. They were young, and under a lot of stress, but I knew deep down they both did love each other.

We had come a little early to help set up, but everything was pretty much already being handled. I ended up getting banished to one of the sofas in the barn. I felt bad about not being able to do anything, but I couldn’t really lift or carry anything, and I was pretty much in the way wherever I stood.

I was sitting on the couch, sipping a coke, when I felt warm hands slip over my eyes.
“Guess who?” Jacob breathed into my ear.

“Ummm… Well. Girlie hands, so… Toni?” I joked.

Jacob slipped his hands down to my neck and acted like he was going to choke me.
“I’ll show you girlie hands!” He joked. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed the top of my head.

“Hi.” I said, looking up at him.

“Hi.” He answered, smiling. “I missed you.”

I laughed. “I was gone for like, four hours!”

“Too long.” He said, sliding on the couch next to me.

I had expected Jacob to leave me at some point and go hang out with his friends. After all, half the people here had come to see him, and most of them had driven at least an hour to do so, and I knew most of the people here anyway, so it’s not like he would be abandoning me. But, he stuck by my side, his arm slung around me almost the whole time.

He was a gentleman though, and any time I needed anything, he insisted on getting it for me. When they set out the food, he brought us both back a plate, when my drink empty, he refilled it. He could not, however, empty my bladder for me, so I did have to leave him alone to do that.

It was on my way to the bathroom that I bumped into Michelle. I had almost forgotten about her, we hadn’t seen her all night. Jacob hadn’t made any mention of her either. I had figured she had just decided to sit this one out, but I should have known that that wouldn’t have happened.

I almost walked right by them, they were up against the house, partially hidden by the shadows. She was wearing a skirt that was too short and a top that cut too low, and she was standing way too close to Sean, giggling and touching him at least four times in the brief second I spotted them. I sighed, I wanted to walk right by them and ignore it. After all, Sean wasn’t my husband, and Jen wasn’t my friend. I did, however, know how much trouble Sean would be in if Jen caught him, and she may blow up and ruin the party. Besides, as big of a bitch as Jen could be, I still didn’t think she deserved to be cheated on, and it honestly looked like Sean wasn’t that far away from it.

I walked up to them, neither of them noticing, and cleared my throat. Sean jumped, and Michelle turned around, her eyes narrowed at the interruption.
“Sorry Sean.” I said, plastering on a fake smile. “I haven’t seen you all night! How are you kids doing? And I didn’t see your wife, is she here?”

It's wanting more that's going to send me to my knees

“What the hell are you doing here?” I yelled, louder than I meant too. I heard Cumulus come out of the kitchen, barking.

“I asked Kayla to email and tell you I was coming. You didn’t answer my calls.” Jason answered, leaning up against the door.

“I didn’t read her email because I wasn’t sure what you had told her. I didn’t answer your calls because I don’t want to deal with this anymore.” I crossed my arms defensively over my chest.

“We have to talk about this.” Jason crossed the room.

“There’s nothing to talk about Jason. You and me? We’re done. We’ve been done for a long time. You’ve moved on, you’re married.”

“I told you, I made a mistake Ella. I’m human, humans mess up.” He looked at me, his eyes pleading, and I knew he had me. My heart was pounding, my pulse racing, my heart flipping. He touched my hand gently, taking it into his own massive hand. I felt shocks run through me, and I remembered all over again just how much I missed Jason.

I leaned my head against his shoulder, and breathed in, trying to get my bearings. I felt like the room was spinning, and I just didn’t have any idea what to do anymore. Jason reached for my other hand, and I looked down, seeing the glint of his wedding band. Watching that band touch my skin made me sick, and I swear I felt it burn my skin a little. I yanked back, pushing Jason away.

“Does she know why you’re here?”

“She knows we had a fight, that’s why I asked her to email you.” He answered, shrugging.

“But you haven’t told her you made a mistake, have you?”

“Ella…” He paused. “It’s a complicated situation.”

I scoffed.

“You know Jason, every time I think I have a handle on who you are and just how much you’ve changed, you do something that blows my mind all over again. Do you even have any idea of how much of a clichéd jackass you sound like right now?”

“You know Ella, you’re always calling me a jackass and saying how much I’ve changed, but did you ever stop and think that I had to change?” He sat down on the sofa and ran his hand through his hair.

“Jesus, I’m getting ready to leave for Iraq, and I realize, you know, I’ve been pushing Ella away for years. What am I doing? I could over there and die, and she would never know how much I cared about her. So I call, and Drew tells me that you want some space. That you told him you were over me. I blamed myself Ella. I dicked around for years, and I lost you because of it. So I decide that I can’t lose you totally, and in order for you to feel comfortable being my friend, I have to have a girlfriend. I liked Kayla, I still like her. But she’s not you.”

I felt bad for him, and angry at Drew all over again. However, this time, I knew it wouldn’t help.

“Jason, you say you love me, but you never tried! You never came to me and confessed your feelings, you never said anything at all. You just shacked up with the first girl you met!” I yelled. I was angry at the whole situation, and so done with it all.

“Oh it’s SO easy for you Ella. What did you do? You sat on your ass and cried, and ran away every chance you got.”

“You know what? Maybe I did, but at least I’m not here crying foul and asking for a do-over like we’re kids! Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Who the hell do I think I am? Who the hell are you?” He asked, jumping up, mere inches from my face. “You act all high and mighty like you’ve never messed up, never made any mistakes. You’ve changed too, Ella. You’ve lied too!”

“I’m not doing this anymore!” I yelled, turning to walk away. I didn’t have a chance to go far though, Jason grabbed my arm, and spun me back to him.

I looked up at him, blinking and shocked, both of us breathing hard.

“Jason…” I mumbled, but that was all I got out before Jason’s mouth came crashing down on mine.

It wasn’t the sweet reunion I had daydreamed about. There were no romantic words, no soft caresses, no whispered confessions. Instead it was hard, fast, and a little painful. When Jason’s lips crushed mine, my first thought was, this is wrong. But when I parted my lips to say so, Jason slipped his tongue into my mouth, and I forgot everything, including my own name. I wrapped my legs around him, and one of Jason’s hands reached up to support me, grabbing a handful of my ass. The other hand went up and grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling back so my throat was revealed to him. He kissed and nipped at my neck, driving me insane while he stumbled, carrying me into my bedroom.

He dumped me on my bed, following on top of me, looking into my eyes for a second, before his lips were on me again. There was such an urgency, such frustration and anger and need. I tried to focus, but my head was fuzzy and filled with nothing but Jason.

It was not slow and sweet in the least bit. Clothes were torn, and thrown. We bit, we scratched, and the room was filled with moans, groans, and gasps. Jason was pushing me over the edge in a way nobody ever had before, and I had a feeling I was doing the same to him. He would bite my shoulder, and I would rake my nails down his back, he would grip my hips and I would pull his hair. Finally, when neither of us could handle anymore, he pinned my hands above my head and held my eyes with his as his swiftly and roughly entered me.

“Take me.” I mumbled, and now I see how fitting that was. Jason took me, and I didn’t do anything to stop him, in fact, I rose to meet him, and when we came, we came together, calling out for each other.

I didn’t once think of anyone but Jason during this whole ordeal. But then, Jason rolled off of me, splaying his hand across my ribcage, and that’s when I saw it.

His wedding ring glinted in the light pouring through my window, and I realized what I had done. I smacked his hand away, and quickly rolled off the bed.

“I need a shower.” I mumbled to myself, suddenly feeling very unclean.

“I can help.” Jason replied, a small smile playing on his lips.

I turned slowly towards him, the anger in me rising to a boil.

“You.” I seethed. “You have made a wreck of my life since the day you stepped into it. That shouldn’t have happened.” I said, pointing to the bed. “That was a mistake.”

“Why is it always one step forward, two steps back with you?” Jason sat up, yelling, as I threw the clothes of his I could find in his general direction.

“Because, you’re married Jason. You need to go home to your wife. You need to try to work things out with her, and if you can’t, you need to tell her and go about fixing it or divorcing her. You and I? We’re done.”

Jason looked at me, and I couldn’t decipher his eyes.

“Jason, maybe one day, if you and Kayla don’t work out, we can try again. But I don’t want this, and I think I deserve better than this. And I know for sure Kayla deserves better than this.” I crossed my arms and stood next to the door, waiting as Jason pulled on his pants and his shirt.

“You can’t tell me you don’t love me.” He said plainly, as if he hadn’t listened to a word I said.

“No, I can’t.” I replied, quite honestly. “But right now, you need to go.”

He got up, and tried to kiss me again, I turned so all he got was my cheek. He sighed, and walked out the door. I followed him, watching him pause at the front door.

“You know, this isn’t over.” He called over his shoulder, a little threateningly.

I heard a car start, and realized Jason must have rented a car. I sighed, realizing that I needed to be more observant in the future.

I felt totally drained, and all I wanted to do was take the hottest shower possible, to try to wash Jason’s touch off of me. I realized, however, that once again Jason and I hadn’t used anything. Rather than let history repeat itself, I got dressed and went out into the cold, drizzling rain. I headed to the pharmacy, where I bought plan B. Finally after I had returned home and taken it, I allowed myself to get into a hot tub, trying to soak everything away. It didn’t work. I even took the time to shave, hoping the razor would scrape off any trace of Jason.

I emerged from the bath tub, red and raw. Bruises from Jason were already popping up, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle work tomorrow. I was already starting to feel the cramping from the plan B I took. I felt and looked horrible, so why not call in sick? I grabbed the old, rough towel I usually reserved for mopping up messes or dying my hair, and used it to dry off, again, hoping the coarse cloth would rub away his touch. Then, I called into work, letting Mama Rivers know that I was feeling even worse and probably wouldn’t make it in tomorrow.

I dressed in baggy, comfortable clothes, skipping anything that was once Jason’s. I didn’t blame him entirely, I could have said no. Some of this was my fault. But, I still didn’t want anything to do with him.

Finally feeling clean and warm, I sat down on the couch, and thought about my situation. I didn’t know why I still loved Jason, all logic and all his actions pretty much said that I shouldn’t. But, I did. I wanted to be with him more than anything, but I knew now that we just couldn’t be together. I couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t see him. I would have to put him in the past, there was just no room for him in my future, he carried too much baggage. However, it still didn’t mean I didn’t want him there. Because I did.

I pulled my legs up onto the couch and wrapped my arms around them, burying my head into my knees and finally crying. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I fought so hard to get over him, and just when I thought I was OK, he popped back in, and everything that I thought I had built up crumbled.

I cried for myself, and for my ruined friendship with Jason. I cried for Kayla, and for hurting her in such a way. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about this, I was far too embarrassed of myself and my actions. However, I also knew that if I didn’t talk about it, it would eat me alive. So, I picked up the phone and called the one person who I knew had been in a similar situation and wouldn’t judge me.

“Hey Jarren, It’s Ella. Do you think you and I could hang out tomorrow?”