It's wanting more that's going to send me to my knees

“What the hell are you doing here?” I yelled, louder than I meant too. I heard Cumulus come out of the kitchen, barking.

“I asked Kayla to email and tell you I was coming. You didn’t answer my calls.” Jason answered, leaning up against the door.

“I didn’t read her email because I wasn’t sure what you had told her. I didn’t answer your calls because I don’t want to deal with this anymore.” I crossed my arms defensively over my chest.

“We have to talk about this.” Jason crossed the room.

“There’s nothing to talk about Jason. You and me? We’re done. We’ve been done for a long time. You’ve moved on, you’re married.”

“I told you, I made a mistake Ella. I’m human, humans mess up.” He looked at me, his eyes pleading, and I knew he had me. My heart was pounding, my pulse racing, my heart flipping. He touched my hand gently, taking it into his own massive hand. I felt shocks run through me, and I remembered all over again just how much I missed Jason.

I leaned my head against his shoulder, and breathed in, trying to get my bearings. I felt like the room was spinning, and I just didn’t have any idea what to do anymore. Jason reached for my other hand, and I looked down, seeing the glint of his wedding band. Watching that band touch my skin made me sick, and I swear I felt it burn my skin a little. I yanked back, pushing Jason away.

“Does she know why you’re here?”

“She knows we had a fight, that’s why I asked her to email you.” He answered, shrugging.

“But you haven’t told her you made a mistake, have you?”

“Ella…” He paused. “It’s a complicated situation.”

I scoffed.

“You know Jason, every time I think I have a handle on who you are and just how much you’ve changed, you do something that blows my mind all over again. Do you even have any idea of how much of a clichéd jackass you sound like right now?”

“You know Ella, you’re always calling me a jackass and saying how much I’ve changed, but did you ever stop and think that I had to change?” He sat down on the sofa and ran his hand through his hair.

“Jesus, I’m getting ready to leave for Iraq, and I realize, you know, I’ve been pushing Ella away for years. What am I doing? I could over there and die, and she would never know how much I cared about her. So I call, and Drew tells me that you want some space. That you told him you were over me. I blamed myself Ella. I dicked around for years, and I lost you because of it. So I decide that I can’t lose you totally, and in order for you to feel comfortable being my friend, I have to have a girlfriend. I liked Kayla, I still like her. But she’s not you.”

I felt bad for him, and angry at Drew all over again. However, this time, I knew it wouldn’t help.

“Jason, you say you love me, but you never tried! You never came to me and confessed your feelings, you never said anything at all. You just shacked up with the first girl you met!” I yelled. I was angry at the whole situation, and so done with it all.

“Oh it’s SO easy for you Ella. What did you do? You sat on your ass and cried, and ran away every chance you got.”

“You know what? Maybe I did, but at least I’m not here crying foul and asking for a do-over like we’re kids! Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Who the hell do I think I am? Who the hell are you?” He asked, jumping up, mere inches from my face. “You act all high and mighty like you’ve never messed up, never made any mistakes. You’ve changed too, Ella. You’ve lied too!”

“I’m not doing this anymore!” I yelled, turning to walk away. I didn’t have a chance to go far though, Jason grabbed my arm, and spun me back to him.

I looked up at him, blinking and shocked, both of us breathing hard.

“Jason…” I mumbled, but that was all I got out before Jason’s mouth came crashing down on mine.

It wasn’t the sweet reunion I had daydreamed about. There were no romantic words, no soft caresses, no whispered confessions. Instead it was hard, fast, and a little painful. When Jason’s lips crushed mine, my first thought was, this is wrong. But when I parted my lips to say so, Jason slipped his tongue into my mouth, and I forgot everything, including my own name. I wrapped my legs around him, and one of Jason’s hands reached up to support me, grabbing a handful of my ass. The other hand went up and grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling back so my throat was revealed to him. He kissed and nipped at my neck, driving me insane while he stumbled, carrying me into my bedroom.

He dumped me on my bed, following on top of me, looking into my eyes for a second, before his lips were on me again. There was such an urgency, such frustration and anger and need. I tried to focus, but my head was fuzzy and filled with nothing but Jason.

It was not slow and sweet in the least bit. Clothes were torn, and thrown. We bit, we scratched, and the room was filled with moans, groans, and gasps. Jason was pushing me over the edge in a way nobody ever had before, and I had a feeling I was doing the same to him. He would bite my shoulder, and I would rake my nails down his back, he would grip my hips and I would pull his hair. Finally, when neither of us could handle anymore, he pinned my hands above my head and held my eyes with his as his swiftly and roughly entered me.

“Take me.” I mumbled, and now I see how fitting that was. Jason took me, and I didn’t do anything to stop him, in fact, I rose to meet him, and when we came, we came together, calling out for each other.

I didn’t once think of anyone but Jason during this whole ordeal. But then, Jason rolled off of me, splaying his hand across my ribcage, and that’s when I saw it.

His wedding ring glinted in the light pouring through my window, and I realized what I had done. I smacked his hand away, and quickly rolled off the bed.

“I need a shower.” I mumbled to myself, suddenly feeling very unclean.

“I can help.” Jason replied, a small smile playing on his lips.

I turned slowly towards him, the anger in me rising to a boil.

“You.” I seethed. “You have made a wreck of my life since the day you stepped into it. That shouldn’t have happened.” I said, pointing to the bed. “That was a mistake.”

“Why is it always one step forward, two steps back with you?” Jason sat up, yelling, as I threw the clothes of his I could find in his general direction.

“Because, you’re married Jason. You need to go home to your wife. You need to try to work things out with her, and if you can’t, you need to tell her and go about fixing it or divorcing her. You and I? We’re done.”

Jason looked at me, and I couldn’t decipher his eyes.

“Jason, maybe one day, if you and Kayla don’t work out, we can try again. But I don’t want this, and I think I deserve better than this. And I know for sure Kayla deserves better than this.” I crossed my arms and stood next to the door, waiting as Jason pulled on his pants and his shirt.

“You can’t tell me you don’t love me.” He said plainly, as if he hadn’t listened to a word I said.

“No, I can’t.” I replied, quite honestly. “But right now, you need to go.”

He got up, and tried to kiss me again, I turned so all he got was my cheek. He sighed, and walked out the door. I followed him, watching him pause at the front door.

“You know, this isn’t over.” He called over his shoulder, a little threateningly.

I heard a car start, and realized Jason must have rented a car. I sighed, realizing that I needed to be more observant in the future.

I felt totally drained, and all I wanted to do was take the hottest shower possible, to try to wash Jason’s touch off of me. I realized, however, that once again Jason and I hadn’t used anything. Rather than let history repeat itself, I got dressed and went out into the cold, drizzling rain. I headed to the pharmacy, where I bought plan B. Finally after I had returned home and taken it, I allowed myself to get into a hot tub, trying to soak everything away. It didn’t work. I even took the time to shave, hoping the razor would scrape off any trace of Jason.

I emerged from the bath tub, red and raw. Bruises from Jason were already popping up, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle work tomorrow. I was already starting to feel the cramping from the plan B I took. I felt and looked horrible, so why not call in sick? I grabbed the old, rough towel I usually reserved for mopping up messes or dying my hair, and used it to dry off, again, hoping the coarse cloth would rub away his touch. Then, I called into work, letting Mama Rivers know that I was feeling even worse and probably wouldn’t make it in tomorrow.

I dressed in baggy, comfortable clothes, skipping anything that was once Jason’s. I didn’t blame him entirely, I could have said no. Some of this was my fault. But, I still didn’t want anything to do with him.

Finally feeling clean and warm, I sat down on the couch, and thought about my situation. I didn’t know why I still loved Jason, all logic and all his actions pretty much said that I shouldn’t. But, I did. I wanted to be with him more than anything, but I knew now that we just couldn’t be together. I couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t see him. I would have to put him in the past, there was just no room for him in my future, he carried too much baggage. However, it still didn’t mean I didn’t want him there. Because I did.

I pulled my legs up onto the couch and wrapped my arms around them, burying my head into my knees and finally crying. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I fought so hard to get over him, and just when I thought I was OK, he popped back in, and everything that I thought I had built up crumbled.

I cried for myself, and for my ruined friendship with Jason. I cried for Kayla, and for hurting her in such a way. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about this, I was far too embarrassed of myself and my actions. However, I also knew that if I didn’t talk about it, it would eat me alive. So, I picked up the phone and called the one person who I knew had been in a similar situation and wouldn’t judge me.

“Hey Jarren, It’s Ella. Do you think you and I could hang out tomorrow?”