I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

When I saw the email from Kayla, I froze. I still had orange juice in my mouth, and it sat there, un-swallowed. My hand sat frozen on the mouse, my eyes went un-blinked, and I didn’t breathe. I was like a deer caught in the headlights.

Finally, I blinked, and swallowed, and sat back in my chair, taking in a deep breath. I didn’t want to read it. I didn’t know why she was emailing me. It could be something surrogacy related. Jason could have said something to her about me. Jason could have blamed me. She could be going off on me in an email, blaming me for the wreck that was their marriage.

On the one hand, I don’t think it was my fault. I couldn’t help the way I felt about Jason, it was like it was engraved in me. But, I also hadn’t used that as an excuse to make a move on him. As much as I did care for him, he was a married man, and married men are off limits. I also couldn’t control how he felt. If he wanted to be with me, well. I don’t know. I also didn’t encourage that, and I had cut things off when he admitted it though.

But, on the other hand, I put myself in Kayla’s shoes. I would probably be blaming everyone, especially the girl my husband wanted to leave me for. And, I wasn’t quite sure what Jason had told her. Again, it could have been nothing. But, he could have also blamed me.

I knew one thing: I wasn’t dealing with this at work. I closed my email and went ahead and did rest of my paperwork. Then, I left my office and made the decision to avoid it and computers for the rest of the day.

Greg texted me asking if I wanted him to bring me lunch. I said yes, and he came and brought Rally’s, not exactly the healthiest thing, but it would definitely fall into the comfort food category, which I felt like I really needed.

I was moping and moody, I couldn’t help it. I was depressed that a great night had to be ruined by Jason, and I realized that this was a very real situation that I couldn’t just run and hide from. I was going to have to talk to Jason, and we were going to have to work it out.

I tried to slap on a happy face for Greg, but he saw right through it.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” He asked, popping a fry into his mouth.

“What do you mean?” I asked, swallowing a bite of burger and washing it down with my pop.

“Well.” He said, then paused to take a drink. “You were great when you left me this morning, and now, you’re just kind of blah. Is it work? Is it me? I mean don’t say it’s nothing, because obviously that’s a lie.”

I smiled at him. “It’s not you, it’s just. A lot of things. My life is kind of a mess right now, and I have no idea how to go about fixing it.”

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

“I dunno if you want to hear about it.” I started. He looked a little insulted at that remark, so I spoke up quickly, trying to correct myself.
“It’s not that I don’t think you don’t care. It’s just. A LOT of information. I don’t know if it’ll overwhelm you or not.”

“Try me.” He glanced at his watch. “I have about a half hour before I have to leave.”

“You get an awfully long lunch.” I commented, looking down at my own watch.

“Well, I’m close, and I don’t have a class after lunch. I’m still supposed to be back, it’s my planning period, but if I’m a few minutes late, no one’s going to know. Am I keeping you?”

“No. Today’s pretty clear. If anyone asks, I’ll say I’m trying to talk you into performing for the kids, this can be a working lunch.”

“Good deal. Now.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Spill.”


So spill I did. I went way back to the start of Jason and I, and while I skipped around a little, I didn’t leave out the hard things, or the important things. I told Greg about my miscarriage, about Kayla, how I felt when they got married, the surrogacy, and Jason’s recent confession. His eyes glassed over while I was talking, and I knew I was saying too much. But, it was like I uncorked the bottle, and I couldn’t get it back on. Everything just kept pouring out.

I talked for a good twenty minutes, the rest of my unfinished burger growing cold in front of me. Finally, things started to trickle to an end.

“I just, was really happy when I left you this morning. And now, I come in here, and I get this email from his wife. I don’t want to look at it, not while I’m at work, but I know it’s there, and I know I’m going to have to read it, I know I’m going to have to sort this out with Jason, and it’s just, all really jumbled.”

There was a good two minutes of solid silence after I stopped talking. It made me really nervous, and I couldn’t force myself to look at Greg. I wanted him to talk, to say anything, but I also knew it was a lot to process at once, so I felt like I should give him a minute to take it all in. Finally, he cleared his throat.

“That was… A lot. I’m sorry, but I think I should head back to work now. I am only a sub, and I do really like this job, so. I don’t want to get into trouble.”

I was shocked. I had told him it was a lot of information, and I knew it was, but he was the one who told me he could handle it. And now he was just slinking away? I knew arguing with him would just make it worse, so I just nodded. However, when he didn’t even come over to hug me goodbye, I knew it was over, and I suddenly just felt horrible.

I went up to Mama River’s office and told her I felt sick and thought I should go home. Then I found Matt.

“Hey, do you think you can drive me home?” I asked, interrupting his own lunch.

“Sure, what’s wrong?” He said, grabbing his sandwich and throwing away his trash.

“I’m just not feeling so good. This way you can keep my car and drive yourself home tonight.”

He looked me up and down, and nodded slowly. He told Betty he would be back after running me home, and gently took my arm to help me to the car. He walked me to the passengers side, opened the door, and gently shut the door behind me. He waited until we were driving down the street before he spoke.

“You going to tell me what’s really going on?” He asked.

“I don’t feel good. I already told you.” I said, looking away from him and out the window.

“You felt fine when I saw you this morning. You looked OK when I saw you before your lunch with Greg. A little tired, but you still looked fine. Then I see him leaving, and you come out looking white as a ghost. What did he do to you?”

“He didn’t do anything, Matt.” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

“What did he do, Ella?” Matt repeated again. There was an edge in his voice that I wasn’t used to hearing, and even with his slight speech impediment, he sounded a little intimidating.

“He just asked me what was wrong with me, and I told him, and I think I ruined things.”

“What? What do you mean?” Matt asked, his eyebrows knotted in confusion.

I sighed, and for the second time that day, relayed the whole story. I started this time with Greg and I eating lunch, and including everything that had happened. We were parked in my driveway before I could finish. Matt, however, didn’t rush things, and he waited calmly for me to finish, watching me the whole time.

“So, then Greg just kind of left. He already said it was no big deal if he left late, but then he retracted and said he had to be back, and actually left early. And, I just think it was too much. Which is why I didn’t want to tell him in the first place, but he kept bugging me to, so… And now everything is just… Wrecked.”

I was wiping away tears as I spoke. I didn’t want to be crying, but I was just so sick of everything being so messed up, and all because of Jason.

Matt pulled me to him, into his arms, and hugged me tight. My face was pressed into his soft sweatshirt, and as I breathed in, I realized how good he smelled, and how good it felt to be here. We stayed like that for a moment, quietly hugging, before Matt spoke.

“Ella, if that’s all it takes to get rid of Greg, is he really worth it? Does that really sound like someone who will stick by you? Cause to me it seems like he’s the type of guy who’s going to run every time the road gets a little bumpy. Was that a lot of information? Yeah, it was. Was it hard to hear? It could have been. But, it’s also you, your history, and what you’re going through now. It’s important. I’m just happy you trusted me enough to share it with me.”

“I’m really glad I met you Matt. I mean you talk about what I’ve done for you, but I haven’t done much. You’ve become a really good friend, and I appreciate that.” I looked up at him, and he used his giant thumb to gently wipe away the last few tears.

“Right back at you.”

“Well…” I ventured. “Since we’re all about sharing right now… Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Kellie?” I knew it was dangerous territory, but I felt like right now might be my only time to ask.

He sighed, and his face got stony for a moment. I regretted asking the question and ruining the moment. The he cleared his throat.

“I don’t really know what’s going on. I think I’ll have a better idea once I see her this weekend. I know I’ve been a little distant and hard to deal with lately, but I promise, after this weekend when I’m sure of what’s going on, I’ll tell you all about it. Then you can help me sort out my mess.” He said, smiling.

I nodded. “Fair enough.”

“Look, I better get back to work. But, how about I grab dinner on the way home, and we watch a couple of movies and just bum around the house together? Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.” I said, smiling back at him. “Just try to bust out early, OK?”

He laughed. “Yeah, I’ll try my best.” He answered.

I got out of the car, waving to him as he backed down the driveway. Things with Matt were confusing, but at least I knew where I stood. He had a girlfriend, and he was honoring that commitment. It made me respect him more. I turned and went to unlock the door, freezing in place when I realized that it was already unlocked. Then I remembered I hadn’t been home this morning, and Matt just must have forgotten to lock it. I walked in, calling for the dogs. The dogs were not what came out to greet me.