And I wonder if I ever cross your mind... For me it happens all the time

“Really?” Greg said laughing, after we parked. “Bowling Ella? On New Years?”

I smiled and shrugged. “I don’t really feel like going to a bar, but if you want to drink there’s one in here. I just want to have some fun.”

“Fair enough.” Greg answered. Before I could stop him, he paid for both the games and the shoes.

“Not cool. This isn’t a date.” I joked after the man at the counter handed us our clown shoes.

“I never said it was.” Greg replied, a little defensively.

“I just…” I started, feeling bad for hurting his feelings. “I got the food, OK?” I said, shooting Greg a smile and bumping his shoulder with mine.

“And beer.” He retorted.

“And beer.” I agreed.

We played a game that started off as a silly competition, seeing which one who could roll the ball the goofiest way, and when we realized towards the end of the game that we were within a few pins of each other, it turned to a more serious competition. I beat Greg by two pins, 56 to his 64. We decided to take a break before our second game, and true to my word, I bought pizza and chips, a soda for me, and a pitcher for Greg.

“So.” He said, sitting down with our pizza. “Dinner of champions eh?”

“My new years resolution is a diet. But, it’s not the new year yet!” I joked, digging into to the greasy pizza.

“Funny.” He said, biting into his own slice. “I would have thought it would have been making amends with Drew.”

I stopped chewing. “Really? We’re going to go there?” I asked, scowling.

Greg shrugged. “I think we need too. Jarren told me you two split. I just didn’t know why until tonight.”

I was quiet for a moment, taking a sip of my soda.

“How’d Jarren even know, anyway?”

“She talks to Drew. On facebook. Sometimes text.”

“Oh.” I asked, a pit of worry growing in my stomach. I didn’t know they talked. I didn’t really like it either.

“Ella, you know it’s not like that. Even Jarren has no delusion that it’s like that. Drew’s just a nice guy to everyone. Hell, I’ve only met him what? One time? And even I know that.”

“It’s just hard. I guess. I mean I’ve been the center of his whole world for so long, and now… I’m nothing. I don’t like that he’s talking to someone else and not to me.” I played with the edge of my paper plate, not really wanting to eat the pizza anymore.

“Well…” Greg drew out. “Have you tried to talk to him?”

I shook my head quickly.

“Why not?”

“He said he wanted some time…” I trailed off, knowing how weak that sounded.

Greg snorted. I shot him a look.

“I’m sorry Ella, but that’s pathetic. I mean I hate to say it, but Jarren was a little right. How can you claim to love someone and then just let them walk away?”
I’ll admit that hurt. I hated the fact that someone could agree with all the mean and hurtful things that Jarren said to me.

“I just…” I started, not knowing how to finish. I picked at my pizza instead.

“You just what?” Greg prompted after a minute.

“I’m scared, OK? Like, right now I don’t have him at all, and that sucks. But he said if I gave him time, eventually he’d come back and we could go back to being friends. That still sucks, I don’t want to be JUST friends, but I’d rather it be that then not having him in my life at all. I’m just terrified if I push him, he’s going to bolt.”

Greg was quiet for a moment, downing his beer and pouring himself another one. He took it in his hand, spinning it around.

“There’s a quote of my little sister’s myspace page,” He started. I rolled my eyes. “I know, it sounds lame, but hear me out, OK?”

I didn’t say anything, and so he continued.

“It says ‘having the love of your life break up with you and tell you that you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom say you can still keep it.’ The quote stuck with me, because one, it’s kinda funny, and two, it’s totally correct. It’s not the same. It’s never going to be the same.” He shrugged. “I just don’t see why you’re willing to take that risk. You’re looking at the glass half empty, maybe you’ll talk to him and he’ll leave forever. But there are so many different ways to look at it, so many different outcomes. Maybe you’ll talk to him and work it out so you get back together. Maybe you’ll talk to him and not get back together but become friends again, maybe you’ll talk to him and he’ll tell you to go away. It seems like the only outcome from your choice is that he’ll eventually come around and you can be friends again.”

“Maybe he’ll realize how much he misses me and come back for good?” I asked, hopeful.

“Yeah, because it’s been a month and that hasn’t happened yet. What’s more likely is that he’s going to think you don’t care at all, and isn’t going to bother coming back at all.” Greg said.

I sighed, and popped a greasy pepperoni in my mouth.

“So what are you going to do?” Greg prodded.

“I don’t know!” I snapped. “Why are you pushing me?”

“Because it’s becoming more and more clear to me that if someone doesn’t push you, you’re not going to do anything.”

“Why do you care?” I was annoyed and pouting.

“Because I think it matters.”

“Why?” I pushed.

“I don’t know. I care about you. I don’t know why, but I do. And I think if you don’t do this, you’ll regret it. I’d hate to see that happen.”

Hearing the regret word made me think of Jason. The whole reason I made the leap to Drew in the first place was I didn’t want to repeat what went wrong with Jason. I never laid it all out on the line, I never tried, I never fought, and look how that all ended. I was so tired though, of everything revolving around Jason.

“What do you think about what she said about Jason? Do you think I should talk to him too?” I asked, curious and surprised that I was talking to Greg about all these things.

“I mean…” Greg shrugged. “I think maybe you’re going to need some closure. I think Drew might feel better to know that you sorted through it all. I don’t know though, it’s tricky. I mean how is Drew going to feel if he finds out you called Jason before him? I don’t know. I think maybe you need to make contact with Drew first. Maybe a letter, or an email? Be honest, tell him you’re sorry, and if you’re going to talk to Jason, tell him about that too.”

“Yeah.” I answered. “Ready to get your butt kicked again?”

“You’re on. Loser buys dessert.” Greg challenged.

I was home shortly after the new year, alone. I had lost the last game, but Greg had opted out of dessert, instead deciding to head over to Jarren’s. He had been texting her all throughout the night, and I couldn’t quite read whether he was going over there to make up, or break up. I didn’t feel it was my place to ask either, so I left it alone.

The talk with Greg had given me a lot to think about. So much that my brain actually hurt – not a headache, but a brain ache. I looked at the treadmill, longing to hop on and run until my mind went blank again. However, I didn’t allow myself to do that, instead I sat down at the computer and made myself write to Drew. It took me a long time, I kept trying to find the perfect thing to say to him. In the end, I wrote something far from perfect.

Drewbie-
I don’t know if you want to hear from me right now. I’ve tried really hard to respect your wishes and stay away, but it’s hard. Part of it is just that I miss you so badly, the other part is that I don’t want you to think that you and our relationship isn’t worth fighting for. I just want to give you what you want, and you said you wanted space, so… I was trying to give you that.
The thing with Jason… Well. It was a mistake. I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I also thought it didn’t matter. When I said Jason was in my past, I meant it.
However, and this may seem like a contradiction, I do plan on talking to Jason. I really want to close all of this, and I hope I can start something new with you. If not… Well. I can’t say that I’ll like it. The fact of the matter is, Drew, I love you in a way I never and could never love Jason. And if I lose that… Well. It’ll be like I lost my heart.
I know I haven’t said it yet, but I’m sorry.