Please don't tell them I've gone crazy...

I woke early the next day. I wasn’t sleeping well, taking forever to fall asleep, waking early and unable to fall asleep. I had wanted to go running, but the foot of fresh snow on the ground told me that wasn’t going to happen. So I wrestled my dusty un-used treadmill out into the middle of the living room, and much to Cumulus’ delight, started running.

I was out of practice, and had to turn down the level a couple until I found my stride. I loved the blankness that came over my mind as I was running. I couldn’t think of anything other than the length of my stride, and the pace of my breathing. I had positioned the treadmill in front of the window, and the clean, white blanket of snow covering the front yard also helped to clear my mind. Throughout the next few days and nights, whenever my thoughts got to be too much, I went into the living room, hopped on the treadmill, and blanked out.

Christmas snuck up on me. Luckily, I had gotten all my shopping done and out of the way, because I literally didn’t realize it was Christmas Eve until my Mom called and asked me what time I was coming over.

I spent every Christmas Eve at my parents house. Usually I looked forward to it. This year, not so much. I tried to get out of it, saying I didn’t want to leave Cumulus overnight, but my Mom told me to bring him, and when I hesitated, I heard the hurt in her voice as she told me that I didn’t have to come, if I didn’t want too.

I went.

“Where’s Drew?” My Mom asked, after she hugged me.

“Well Mom… We’re not really together anymore.” I said, nervously looking around.

“Oh.” She answered, surprised. “Well then…” She trailed off.

“Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about it.” I answered.

She nodded. “Maybe though, you should give Jason a call?”

I raised an eyebrow.

“What?” She asked. “I just thought maybe you’d want to talk about it with him.

I just shook my head, and she left me alone.

Spending Christmas with my family was actually nice, and I laughed for the first time since Drew left. Still, every happy moment had a touch of sadness for me. It didn’t help that I came home to an empty, silent house, and Drew’s presents still wrapped, untouched, under the tree. I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t want to take them back, but I didn’t know why I was keeping them either.

I was in a funk. I knew it. I knew it would only be made worse if I spent New Years alone. Matt had again, invited me down to spend New Year’s with him, but again, I deemed it too risky to go. Get a few drinks in me, and I knew there was no way to refrain from the chemistry I felt when I was around Matt. My parents also had a party, but I felt like such a loser, slinking off to hang out with a bunch of older people who’s idea of a good time was to get tipsy, listen told old school music, and inevitably someone throws out their back when they decide it’s a good idea to play twister.

I was prepared to spend the night ringing in the New Year by myself, when my phone rang. I was surprised to see Jarren’s name pop up on the caller ID. I had thought she was angry at me.

“Hello?” I asked, tentatively.

“Hey Ella!” She exclaimed. “What are you doing tonight?”

Did I want to hang out with Jarren? Not really. I knew there was always drama surrounding her, and again, things had been a little… Strained the last time we saw each other. But I also didn’t want to spend New Years alone.

“Nothing. Why, what’s up?”

I arrived early to help Jarren set up for her party. I was surprised to find that she had moved out of her Dad’s house and into her own apartment. She also had a steady, full time job, and she said, a new boyfriend. Maybe Jarren was growing up. I was excited at this prospect, hoping that maybe we could patch up our friendship.
I was helping her plate snacks and set up the bar when there was a knock at the door.

“That’s him!” She squealed. “Now, Ella, promise you won’t be mad?” She asked.

Mad? Why would I be mad? I was confused, so I nodded my head slowly, and went to the door to meet the new man.

I was shocked when she opened the door and saw Greg standing there. I didn’t know what to say, so I turned around and strode back to Jarren’s bedroom, where I had laid my coat.

“You didn’t tell her, did you?” I heard Greg ask.

“I didn’t think there was a reason too. You two didn’t even technically date.”

That angered me. I wasn’t even really mad that Jarren was dating Greg. It irked me a little, and I’ll admit, I was a tad jealous, but I was most angry because I felt… Lied too. I mean, Jarren should have told me Greg was coming, should have told me they had been seeing each other. I know we hadn’t talked recently, but she should have at least given me a heads up when she invited me to the party, so that I could have made the decision whether or not I wanted to subject myself to Greg.

That’s when it hit me: Jarren didn’t want me not to come. She knew if she told me, I would have opted out. Jarren, for the first time ever, had a boyfriend, and I didn’t, and better yet, it was a guy I used to be with. I got the feeling she WANTED to flaunt this in my face. By the time I walked out of her bedroom, I was fuming.

“Ella…” Greg started as I walked out. “Don’t be mad…”

“She should have told me.” I shouted over my shoulder, heading for the front door.

“Just let her go Greg.” Jarren said, sitting down on a chair. “She’s being an immature brat.”

That stopped me in my tracks. “I’m the one being immature?” I asked, slowly turning around.

“You’re the one throwing a huge temper tantrum and storming off over something that’s not a big deal. You two barely even dated.”

“If it wasn’t a big deal, Jarren, then why didn’t you tell me in the first place? Because YOU’RE the one who’s immature. You were either scared of my reaction, or you wanted to rub it in my face. How mature is that? You’re STILL the same fucking selfish person you’ve always been.”

“I’m the selfish one?” Jarren said, jumping up and mirroring my own reaction to her immature comment.

“You’ve ALWAYS been selfish. It’s ALWAYS been take, take, take with you. I thought maybe things had changed, you seem to be finally making strides in the right direction, moving out of Daddy’s house and finally working and taking care of your own shit. I guess I was wrong, you’re still pulling the same crap you always did. It’s always about your wants, your needs, and you don’t give a damn if that makes anyone else uncomfortable.” I shouted back.

“You’re the one who ruined an entire marriage because of what YOU wanted. And now, when Jason FINALLY wants you, you want NOTHING to do with him. Not only that, you RUINED Drew, because you were too scared to own up to your mistake, you were too immature to admit the truth. And you haven’t even tried to talk to him, you haven’t even apologized. Why? It makes no sense. ‘Oh poor me, I love him SO much and he just won’t love me.’ You want people to pity you, you want people to feel sorry for you, but the fact of the matter is, you’re right. Nobody does love you, and no one will EVER love you, because you’re just a cold hearted selfish immature BITCH.”

“That’s ENOUGH.” Greg shouted, stepping between the two of us. I have to admit, that was a brave move, because I was ready to lunge at Jarren.

I was expecting him to make some grand speech about how we were both wrong, and both being immature, but to my surprise, he turned towards Jarren, sticking a finger in her face.

“This is on you, Jarren. I told you when you asked me out that I felt uncomfortable dating a friend of someone I had previously dated. I told you I didn’t want to cause any bad blood. You told me it would be OK, you would talk to Ella and make sure it was fine. You lied to me, and that REALLY bothers me. Furthermore, you crossed a HUGE line in what you said to Ella. You both said some mean things, but you went lower than lower and brought up past mistakes which really have nothing to do with the argument at hand. I’m sure Ella could bring up plenty of things about your past that you’re not proud of. You just don’t DO that, the past is in the past for a reason. Now, I’m leaving. Ella’s leaving. You can host your party by yourself, and you and I can talk later.”

Jarren had nothing to say. She looked both shocked and pissed, but just stood there with her arms across her chest.

“C’mon Ella, I’ll walk you to your car.” Greg said, putting a hand on my back and guiding me out the door.

When we reached the car, he turned to me, running a hand through his hair.
“Look, I’m sorry about that. I really thought she had told you and you were OK with it. I thought since you were with Drew, you wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s OK.” I answered, opening my door. “Jarren’s really good at manipulating people and figuring out how to get what she wants. She’s been doing it to me for years.”

I heard Greg’s cell phone buzzing, and I knew it was Jarren. I knew her MO, first she would call and yell at him, saying she didn’t care, it was over… And then she’d call back again, crying and apologizing, and begging to fix things. It would alternate between the two all night.

“Look, New year’s is kind of ruined, but do you want to go somewhere, and maybe hang out for a bit? Just as friends, I promise.”

I thought about it a minute, not sure if I wanted to be alone with Greg. But, if we went somewhere public, it wouldn’t be too bad, and I didn’t really want to spend New Years by myself.

“Sure.” I answered. “Follow me, I think I know just the place.”