FB: I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you...

The week passed by. I went in early Friday so I could duck out early. I alternated between being really excited to see him, excited to make up and get on with it, to dreading it, and wanting it all just to be over with. I didn’t really know how we were supposed to work it out when I didn’t know what I wanted from it. I called Toni on the way home to go pick up my bags. Jarren was going to run me to the airport.

“Hey Mama, how’s the pregnancy going?”

“Depends on the day. Some days, I could be pregnant for forever, other days…” She sighed.

“What kind of day is today?” I asked, laughing.

“It’s an other kind of day.” Her tone painted a picture for me, and I could see her, on the couch, swollen ankles propped up, with a tired smile on her face. “Oh, well. It’s almost time anyway. What’s up? I don’t hear from you much these days.”

I felt a little guilty. Between work and Jacob drama, I hadn’t been very good about keeping up with her.

“I know, I’m sorry. With all the Jacob drama and then work, it’s been a little hectic. I’m planning on coming for a visit, before camp starts. And I hope to get up there one weekend during camp, when the little one is born.”

“Mmm, sounds good. How is Jacob?”

Now it was my turn to sigh.

“That good huh?”

I relayed the story, and laughed when Toni started going off about the no-good-cheating-dog.

“And you’re going to see him?” She exclaimed when I was gone.

“Well. Yeah.” I answered, sheepishly.

“Why?”

“Well, there’s the guilt factor… He obviously spent money on this ticket…”

“Yeah, but he cheated. He should have to pay in some way.”

“Drew just brought up a good point, though. I mean, Jake and I have been dealing with crap since day one. He’s wrong. I know that, he knows that… I just. Don’t know if I’m ready to call it quits. I really like him.”

“I get it. Nick cheated on me, you know.”

“He did not!” I exclaimed in disbelief. They were the perfect couple. “When?”

“When we first started dating. It was hard. I’m pretty independent, and I always said cheating was a deal breaker. It hurt too, because I was pretty insecure in our relationship.”

“You were insecure? Yeah right.” I said, laughing.

“I was!” She said, laughing back. “I didn’t let Nicky know that, but… I’ve seen his ex girlfriends, I know the type of girls he used to date. Tall, skinny, blonde airheads, which was the total opposite of me. Here I am, independent black woman, smart, proud to be thick… I liked Nick. I didn’t want too, but I did. And it scared me that I wasn’t what he usually went for.”

“So who’d he cheat on you with?”

“Some girl. I never found out who for sure… I didn’t want to know. I was afraid I’d retaliate.”

“What’d you do?”

“Dumped Nick. Told him off. Made sure I was seen at the club the next night with a hot guy.”

“Well obviously that didn’t last. What happened?”

“Well, he kept emailing and calling… But I didn’t want to be that girl. I always got on my friend’s cases for getting back with a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and I was not going to be made a fool of twice. Nick, he’s persistent, and he didn’t take no for an answer. He showed up at my door one night. We talked for a long time. I saw how sorry he was. I guess, like you, I just wasn’t ready for it to end. He knew though, that any doubt he gave me, I was gone. He never took that chance.”

“I just… I go back and forth on what I want. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I can just forgive this. Forgiving him makes it seem like I’m saying it’s OK. And, I just… If we get back together, can I trust him? We’re so far away. It’s not like I can check up on him.”

“Yeah, well. That’s the other part. I mean while the cheater has to prove that he can be trusted, the person who’s been cheated on has to let go of the past. If you bring it up every time you fight… Well, it’s just not going to work.”

“Yeah, I know. I just,” I sighed. “I don’t even know if I want to go out there. If there’s a point. I mean I don’t know how I feel, or what I want, so is anything going to be accomplished? Or is it just going to be a big waste of time?”

“The point in going, Ella, is to see if you CAN accomplish anything. You may not know until you see him, talk to him in person. I think you should go.”

“Five minutes ago you were ready to castrate him.” I said, laughing.

“I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.” She laughed. “But, seriously Ella. What he did was wrong. Still, people do make mistakes. He has been through a lot. I’m not saying you HAVE to forgive him. I’m just saying it’s not a bad idea to go and see how you feel about things.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I said. By now I was sitting in my parking lot.

“I know, I’m always right.” She said. Again, I could hear the tired smile in her voice.

“Well thanks Toni.”

“You’re always welcome. Call me when you get home, OK? Let me know what happened. I don’t get much excitement or drama these days.”

“Will do.”

“Have fun. Bye.” She said with a click.

Toni made me feel better, but I still was unsure. My head still argued the whole ride to the airport and the whole airplane ride. My stomach was twisted, my neck was in knots, and I had a pounding headache. I second guessed coming. I second guessed not telling him I was coming. What if he thought that meant I wasn’t coming? What if no one was there to pick me up? What if this was just some sick joke to get me stranded in California for the weekend? Sure, it was a bit expensive for that, and I didn’t think Jacob would do something like that, but I also didn’t think he’d cheat on me either.

Landing was nerve-wracking. I took a long time gathering my things, especially considering I didn’t bring much. A carry on duffle with my clothes for the weekend, and a purse. I was the last one off the plane.

I panicked when I emerged and didn’t see him. I knew I had enough money for a hotel room, and I’d just have to stick it till Sunday till I could go home, but I didn’t really want to be stuck here, especially after I’ve been stood up.

I searched for a moment, panic easing slowly into acceptance. It was my fault. I should have told him I was coming. Instead I wanted to be immature, pay him back, make him sweat. Now I was the one paying for it.

I went to go sit down, to gather my thoughts and try to figure out what I was going to do. It was then I heard a shout.

“Ella!” Jacob shouted. He was running up to me, breathing hard, his face red. “Oh, geez. You came. I’m so happy. I wasn’t sure… I hadn’t heard from you, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t… And then I got stuck in a training and it’s just… Oh geez. I’m sorry. I’m so glad you’re here.” He said, reaching to pull me into a hug. I recoiled.

“Jacob…” I said, more coldly than I attended to.

“Oh. You’re mad. Well, I mean, of course you’re mad I just thought…”

“That a plane ticket and flowers were going to make up for everything you’ve done?” I asked. I didn’t expect myself to be this angry. Seeing Jacob made a whole new wave of feelings wash over me. I wanted him, but I resented him for it. I hated that I was feeling all these conflicting emotions, and I was angry because it was all his fault.

“No, Ella…” His hurt look hurt me, and then in turn that pissed me off even more. “I just thought…”

He was interrupted by another male voice calling.

“Hey!” Jason shouted, running up to us.

“What’s he doing here?” I asked, honestly surprised. I didn’t know if I could deal with my conflicting emotions regarding Jacob, but to through Jason into the mix too?

“Mutual party?” Jacob explained with a weak shrug.

Great. Just fucking great.