You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong

It was hard to believe that writing that little email wore me out, but it did. After it was done and I clicked send, I felt the energy drain out of me. I laid down on the sofa, planning on watching some TV – even though I was tired, I still hadn’t been sleeping well, taking forever to finally doze off, and waking several times throughout the night. So, I was beyond surprised when I blinked, and it was morning.

Sunshine was rare this time of year in Ohio, but that’s what woke me, pure sunshine pouring through the window and seeping through the cracks of my eyelids. For the first time in a long time, I felt optimistic. I rose and stretched, my stomach rumbling. I shuffled into the kitchen, giving Cumulus his breakfast before starting mine, whistling while I cooked, I felt so good that when I finished cooking, I decided to check my email to see if Drew had written back.

He had. I set down my breakfast, my mouse posed over the email, wondering if I should click it or not. I was a little less optimistic now, and a lot more nervous.
I actually clicked it by accident – Cumulus came in and bumped my hand, making me click the email link.


Ella-
You have to try to understand where I’m coming from. You say it was a mistake, but that’s a pretty big mistake, isn’t it? And who’s to say it’s not going to happen again? I just think you and I need some time and space apart. Work things out with Jason. See where that takes you. I’ll contact you when I’m ready to talk. Until then, please just leave me be.
-Drew


I had to re-read it a few times before it sunk it. Drew was telling me to leave him alone. I thought maybe… I don’t know. I thought I could fix this.

I felt drained all over again, and I slunk back to the couch, covering my face with the blanket. I had hoped that I fall back into sleep, erasing this whole scene from my mind, but sleep didn’t come. Instead all these thoughts… What should I do now? Should I try to talk to him still? Should I give him space like he asked? I wasn’t ready to give up on it. I was suddenly angry, and I flung off the blanket and marched to the computer.


Drew-
I want to give you what you want. I really do. I think you have every right to ask for time and space, but I also think I have a right to say what I want to say, to fight for what I want. I don’t want to push you away, I don’t want you to be angrier at me than you already are, but I also don’t want to walk away thinking that I should have tried more.
I know you think that because I slept with Jason that it could happen again. I understand that’s a logical fear, but I know that because I slept with Jason, it won’t happen again. I know how I felt when I slept with him. He and I will always have this history, and I can’t erase that. But I do know the clichéd quote that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I love Jason, I won’t lie to you, I probably always will. But he and I…. We’ve just been through too much. I look at him and I see an old war buddy, we’ve been through battles, and we both have our own scars, and I just can’t go back into that battle anymore. It’s not worth it. War never really is.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I just know that I have to tell you, you’re the one I want to be with. I should have seen it a lot sooner, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. Don’t fault me for that, be glad that I’m here now, that I see it now, that I’m not an idiot anymore. I think if you walk away from this you’ll end up regretting it just as much as I will, if not more, because I’m trying Drew, I’m trying and you’re just giving up.
If you don’t respond, I’ll give you your space. I can’t make you do anything, but I also can’t just let it go either.


With that I clicked send, and sat down on the couch. I wanted to cry, could feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes. And even though I wanted them to come – like rain on a dry field – they just wouldn’t.

I knew since I was on a roll, I needed to clean up all the messes I had made, and one of those messes was Jason. I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

“Hello?” He answered curiously.

“Hi. It’s me.” I answered, my voice sounding smaller than I had intended it to.

“I know. Hi.” Jason sounded shy himself, and I wondered what was going through his mind.

Neither one of us spoke for a moment.

“So… You left Kayla.” I finally blurted out. Yup. Smooth talker, that’s what I am.

“Yeah… I did.”

“Why?” I asked, honestly curious.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. I pictured him running his hand over a cropped haircut. “It just… Didn’t feel right. You and I, we felt right. I never should have married her. I realize that makes me sound like a total jackass, and everyone has let me know that. They’re right. I am a jackass. But I couldn’t keep her hanging on. I didn’t think it was fair.”

“That actually sounds pretty selfish.”

“Well, Ella.” He said, laughing slightly. “One of the things I’ve discovered about myself in these last few weeks is that I’m a pretty selfish person.”

“Yeah, well. I could have told you that.” I said, smiling despite the bitterness I felt.

“Wish you would have. It would have saved me some time.”

Again, silence came over the line. I didn’t know what I was doing… Why I had even called.

“It’s good to hear your voice Ella.” He said, his voice going quiet again. It cut right to my soul.

“Don’t, Jason.” I snapped.

“Don’t what?” He asked, innocently.

“Don’t pull that crap. I didn’t call to flirt with you.”

“Then why did you call?” He asked, his voice starting to sound angry.

“I don’t know. I just thought… We should talk. Things just…” I was at a loss for words.

“I love you. I miss you. I want you. I should have said all those things years ago, and I didn’t. You were that one constant thing that I always took for granted, and you have no idea how much I regret that. Picking Kayla… I just did it because I knew how she felt about me. You, I was never really sure, and it just… It got hard, Ella. I thought you weren’t worth it. What can I say? I’m stupid, and I’m sorry, but please don’t hold it against me. We all make mistakes and I’m trying to correct mine. I really am.”

“If you’re trying to correct it, then how come I haven’t heard from you? How come you weren’t the one to tell me you left Kayla? With you, it’s just never enough Jason. It’s almost, but not quite.”

“I wanted to make sure everything was set in stone before I came to you, Ella. I wanted to make sure my shit was together. I didn’t want you to think that I was leaving my options open, I wanted to show you… It’s all or nothing, babe. I want it all. And then there was Drew…”

I sucked in at the sound of his name. It was like someone rubbing salt in my wound.

“What about Drew?”

“He told me you two were together. I had left Kayla and came to visit him, planning on getting advice on how to win you back. He told me he wanted to be the one to tell me before I found out about it from someone else. I was pissed at first, but… Drew’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy. I was planning on letting it all go, but hearing your voice… I just. I can’t. I don’t want to fuck up my friendship with Drew, but if that’s what it comes down to Ella… You’re it for me. You’ve been it for me since the day we met, and we’ve spent so much time apart, I just don’t want to waste anymore time.”

Again, quiet filled the line. I didn’t know what to do. For years I had been waiting for Jason to make confessions like these, and now that I was happening, all I could think was, wrong guy.

“You can’t tell me you haven’t wondered what it’d be like Ella. You can’t tell me you don’t miss me or love me.” Jason cut in. His voice sounded desperate.

“I can’t.” I admitted. “I think about you a lot more than I should. I do love you, more than I should. I do wonder every day what it would be like. But it’s not enough Jason. It’s… Too little too late. There’s just so much here, and it’s too much to get over. If you and I got together, I’d wonder all my life why I was second pick…”

“But you win, Ella. It doesn’t matter that I picked you second, I pick you forever…”

“Sure, Jas. You say that now. But it’s just not how I see it. And furthermore, what happens when things get hard between us? Is it back to Kayla? Is it back to a situation where things are easier? There are just too many questions, and such a lack of trust. I love you, but I don’t trust you at all.”

“What do I do El? Just tell me what to do, because being without you hurts.”

“It’s just one of those things Jas that’s always going to hurt. You and I, we made too many mistakes and that road has passed us by. The only thing I can hope for now is that maybe we can give each other time and space and one day be friends again.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

“I don’t either.” I admitted. “But I think sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest, and Jason, we just… Can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” He admitted.