It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy

The weekend took it’s toll on me, and I must have fallen asleep in the car. I woke slightly when I felt Drew reach in the car to scoop me up. I tried to mumble a protest, I could walk, I was just tired, but I liked how safe I felt in his arms. (Author’s Note: A car crash? Really guys? When have I been that predictable? lol) I snuggled closer, breathing in the scent on his neck. It felt good to be happy.

Really good.

It stunned me when he stopped.

“What are you doing here?” He called to someone.

For a second, I wondered if I was dreaming. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and I didn’t know who exactly would be here. I also didn’t know who would randomly show up that Drew would know. I managed to pull my heavy head off Drew’s chest and looked out bleary eyes to see who it might be.

“I came to talk to her.” Kayla answered, her arms crossed against her chest.

“Oh. Shit.” I mumbled to myself, as I almost fell out of Drew’s arms.

Drew set me down, but he protectively wrapped an arm around me. I think he knew what Kayla had to say was going to hurt, and he was trying somehow to shield the blow.

“You want to go inside and talk?” I asked, nervously. I wanted to pretend like I had no idea why she was here, but I did. I could feel it in the air. She knew what had happened between Jason and I, and she was here to confront me about it. I should have said something to Drew, when I had the chance, by myself, on my own. I wondered if there was any way to save face now, to let him know…

The look on Kayla’s face told me, no, she did not want to go inside the house.

“You must be cold… Have you been out here for long?” I tried, weakly.

“Anger keeps you warmer then you’d think, and right now Ella, I’m plenty ticked off.” Was Kayla’s response.

“Drew, why don’t you go wait inside…” I asked, trying to cover my ass one last time.

“Are you two together now? You looked pretty close there.” Kayla asked, eyeing both of us.

We didn’t answer.

“Oooh. You are. Must be nice Ella, to go from wrecking a marriage to a perfect relationship with a guy who’s only been pining for you for over a decade.” She spit out the words, and you could tell she was honestly disgusted with me. I couldn’t blame her. After what I did with Jason… I had been disgusted with me.

“What is she talking about?” Drew asked, looking from me to Kayla and back again. His brow was furrowed, confusion was written all over his face.

I didn’t want to lose this. No, I really didn’t. But more than that, I didn’t want to hurt Drew like that. I didn’t want to break his heart.

“Just go in the house Drew, I’ll explain it when I come inside.” I was begging. I knew I was, desperation was oozing from my voice.

“He doesn’t know?” Kayla asked. Then she laughed bitterly. “Oh Ella, you are a bitch. A cold, selfish bitch. He has no idea what happened. Does Jason even know you’re with him?”

I shook my head.

“Classic. Jason leaves his wife, thinking he made this big mistake and is going to come win you back, and he has no idea that you’re actually screwing around with his best friend.”

“What is she talking about?” Drew asked, looking at me.

“I haven’t spoken with Jason since…” I trailed off.

“Since you fucked him. When he was married to me. That’s what I’m talking about Drew. Your girlfriend slept with my husband.”

“Ella?” Drew asked. “That’s not true, is it?”

“I…” I trailed off. I was searching for some way to put it... To somehow soften the blow... I had nothing. “Yes. It’s true.”

“You don’t even try to deny it? Try to lie? Do you know how many lives you ruined? Do you even care?” Kayla asked, shaking her head. She stood, wiping off the back of her jeans.

“All my friends, they told me it was worthless to come here. A waste of time, a waste of money, a waste of effort… They were right. You aren’t worth it. But it’s not like I had much else to do. I’m all moved back home, I haven’t found a job yet. I don’t want to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore. You aren’t worth that either, and neither is Jason. I knew I had to find you, and I had to make sure you knew this, because I’m worth it.” She paused, her voice shaky, with tears and anger and something else.

“Jason treated us both like crap for years. And for years, we both put up with it. Every time he pushed me away, I told myself, it’s only a matter of time before he came back. And when he asked me to marry him, I thought…” She sighed. “I thought I won. I thought this was it. All the waiting finally paid off. I won. Now I realized, we both lost. We both fell in love with a loser, and we both wasted too much time on him. I just came out of it looking a helluva lot better than you, and that’s no coincidence. I’m a better person then you. I would have NEVER done what you did, I would have NEVER stooped that low because I don’t have too. You and Jason deserve each other. You’re both sad, selfish, pathetic whores.”

With that, she walked away.

I wanted to say something to her. Call to her she was wrong, I wasn’t a whore, I wasn’t selfish, I wasn’t like that at all. I wanted her to know that it was a mistake. A mistake I was sorry for, and to let her know that Jason had hurt me too. But, as I opened my mouth to speak, I realized… I had nothing to say. No comeback, no insult, and no real explanation. I had a bunch of excuses, and they didn’t make much sense. Jason hurt me, so I chose to sleep with him when I knew he was married? I didn’t mean for it to happen, only I never said no, never once thought about Kayla and what it might do to her. I knew that calling out any of these things would have just added insult to Kayla’s injury. I wasn’t a selfish person by nature. But, I had acted very selfishly when it came to Jason. I had only thought about my wants, my needs, my pain when it came to him. I was angry, hearing Kayla say what she had to say, but even more angry when I realized she was right. When it came to Jason, I was sad, I was selfish, I was pathetic. And what I had done with him could definitely been considered whore-y. I had actually gotten off easy, because had I married Jason? And he had screwed around with Kayla on me? I would have been a lot more angry. I would have said a lot worse things.

She was definitely right when she said she was the better person.

I winced as I heard her peel out down the driveway. I sent a silent prayer up to heaven that angry as she might be, she would still get home safe. It sounds like a nice thing to do, but my motivation wasn’t totally selfless. She was so angry, “so angry she couldn’t see straight” my Mom might say. I didn’t need any more bad karma, didn’t need her to get into a car crash on the way home, didn’t need to give her family and friends any more reason to hate me. They had enough reason.

Drew had dropped his arm from around me and taken a few steps back when Kayla was doing her spiel. Now I needed to turn, and face him.

I had to force myself to look at him. I was terrified of his reaction. Again, I know how I would have reacted, if the shoe was on the other foot. His eyes were on me, but I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t know where to start, so I reached for his hand.

He recoiled, as if I was a snake.

“Oh Drew…” I said, starting to cry.

“Is what she said true, Ella?” He asked, his jaw clenched. “Did you sleep with Jason?”

“Yes.” I answered, trying to steel myself from… I don’t know.

“When?” He asked, raking his hands though his hair.

“I don’t know. Awhile ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because… Well. We weren’t talking for one. And I mean, it wasn’t something I was proud of… You said you were tired of hearing about Jason and I…”

“That’s bullshit Ella, you should have told me.” He was pacing now, making me even more nervous.

“Drew I just didn’t…”

“Why?”

“Why what?” I asked, confused.

“Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know. I know it sounds cliché, but it just happened. Then when it was over I realized what a mistake it was.”

“You said you were over him.” Drew’s voice was hoarse, and I felt it like sandpaper down my back.

“I am over him Drew.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“I told you…”

“You should have told me Ella. Not telling me… It seems like you were trying to hide something from me, and that’s what gets me the most. This whole thing is hard on me. I’m worried about losing you as a girlfriend and as a friend, and my biggest fear is Jason, because he’s always there, always hovering above us, always this unspoken word that hangs on the end of every sentence. He’s the elephant in the room and the ghost nobody talks about.” He paused, running a hand over his face and rubbing his eyes.

“I told you,” he said, his hand stand covering his eyes, “that you were the girl I measured everyone against. And that’s true. Everyone fell short compared to you. But Jason is the guy you measure everyone else against. And I just… I don’t know Ella. I don’t know why I can’t measure up. It seems like it would be easy, considering everything Jason’s done and the type of guy Jason is. But I apparently just can’t. And you know what? I’m really sick of trying.” He started to walk away, to his truck.

“Drew you know that isn’t true!” I yelled, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him back to me.

“It IS true Ella. You and I both know it’s true. This was a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake, and I’m not sticking around to watch it blow up in our faces. You’ll eventually go back to Jason, and Ella, I’ll hate you for that. So I need to leave now. Maybe someday, you and I can be friends again, but if I don’t leave now, I’ll wind up hating you, and I just… I can’t.” He shrugged his shoulders, and had such a look of… Defeat on his face. I let go of his arm, and he turned and continued down the drive, waving once before he climbed into his truck.

I knew I should have stopped him. I knew I should have said something, done something. But my heart was broken, and my body felt like it was filled with lead. I couldn’t move, couldn’t blink, couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t until I felt the tears fall down my face that I realized I was even still alive. I felt the cold, but I couldn’t make myself go back inside. I just kept waiting for Drew to turn the car around, to come back, to realize that I was sorry.

“I am sorry.” I whispered into the wind.