Whatever Wednesday: My Jason

So, as you guys know, some of the people in the blog, and some of the things that happen in it, are based on real life events. Some things are completely made up as well, just for drama purposes... Some things happened to me, some things happened to people I knew... It's really a hodge podge of things.

For those of you who don't read the comments (or don't go back to re-read once you've posted a comment) a couple days ago, I asked a question... I got a little upset because I felt like people were being a little judgmental of Ella (I know, I know, I'm protective over someone who isn't even real. Sad, huh?) People wondered why Ella was dumb enough to go back to Jason over and over again, and I asked if anyone else had had a Jason. I thought Jason relationships were pretty common - that guy you KNOW isn't worth it, your friends keep telling you he isn't, your family can't stand him, but still you keep coming back. I know often we can be more clear-headed, and therefore more judgmental when we're on the outside looking in. It's a far different story when you're involved. (Which, is why I threw out there that Toni had been cheated on by Nick. For the most part, I do agree that once a cheater, always a cheater, but I really do believe that there's always an exception to every rule.)

Anyway, some of you responded that you did have a Jason. Some of you said you didn't, and never would (I caution you, never say never, lol.) But, I think most people have had a Jason. Whether it's in a relationship, or a friendship... I think most of us (please note: I didn't say all) have had that one person that for some reason, we do let get away with murder.

Jason is loosely based on two people in my life. One was really named Jason. He's the more sturdier side of Jason, the guy that does sweet things, the guy who listens and offers advice... The real life Jason broke my heart because he was a good guy who loved me very much... He just didn't love me in the way I loved him.

The more asshole side of Jason is based on the first guy I ever really loved... A guy named Aaron.

I met Aaron when I was 15. He told me he was 18. I later found out he was 22 years old. It sounds REALLY skeevy now, but at 15... Well. As Taylor Swift says "At 15 when someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." The thing about your first love is... You WANT to fall in love. You see these romance movies and all the happy endings, and you WANT that to happen. You don't realize how complicated love is (it really is EVERY single emotion rolled up into one. The good, AND the bad.) You don't know just how badly being in love can hurt you. I wanted to be in love so badly, I pretty much sacrificed everything to BE in love.

Aaron was cute. On the short side, he was the same height as I was (I'm kinda tall for a girl. Not above average, but on the bigger side of average, 5'8) He had curly black hair (I used to have such a thing for guys with curly hair) and these green eyes... I also had a thing for green eyes... He had dimples and usually sported a five o'clock shadow. When we kissed our teeth clinked together. He had a small patch of chest hair and a small gut that was adorable. He looked more like a man than a boy. I loved him. He loved to use me. He never committed to whether we were officially together, often alluded to sleeping with other girls. He lived in a suburb about 20 minutes away from mine. He would tell me he was coming to pick me up (usually on a school night, meaning I would be out late) I would "sneak out" (My mom's an alcoholic. Sneaking out meant walking out the back door) sit on the front lawn, and wait for him to show (this was before the age of cell phones. He couldn't call to let me know he was there) Sometimes he'd be there when he said he would be. Sometimes I'd wait an hour before he'd finally show. Sometimes I'd sit out there, waiting... Counting headlights, telling myself the next time a car drove down the street and it wasn't him, I'd go inside. I'd wait a long while... Too long. He wouldn't show. When he did show up... Well. There was no telling which Aaron I'd get. Sometimes he'd be drunk, or drinking (yes, and driving. I know, I was stupid to get into a car with him. I was stupid to do a lot of things that I did. I was 15. I just didn't think.) Sometimes we'd just go around, driving. Stopping in a secluded spot to make out. Sometimes we'd go back to his house, where we'd have sex. He always kept me out too late. Once, I got to his house and he had a phone call. He had to run an errand... He'd be back soon and wanted me to wait at his house. I said no, demanded to go with him, thinking... I don't know. That it'd be better.

I remember that night very clearly. I was a Sophomore. We had our annual homeroom Olympics the next day, where grades competed against each other in silly stupid games. We all made shirts. I hadn't wanted to go out with him, my shirt still wasn't finished. But I went, knowing that if I didn't see him now, it might be weeks before he saw me again. I made him promise to bring me back early, so I could finish my shirt. Aaron regularly kept me out too late on school nights, leaving me exhausted the next day, or skipping school all together.

Aaron drove to a bar, where he let me sit in his car for three hours. When he finally came out, he was drunk. He drove me home in silence, playing chicken with cars and damn near killing the both of us. When we pulled up to my house, he looked at me. I expected an apology. Something nice. I was fuming.

"Wanna climb in the back seat and do it?" Was what he said, laughing.

It was the only time I ever let Aaron see my cry.

I wish I could say that it ended there. It didn't.

I know it sounds horrible. It was. But Aaron, like Jason, had his moments. Things that just kept me coming back for more. There was a night where he took me around the housing complex where he did some landscaping. He held my hand and he showed me the huge, gorgeous houses. He opened up, told me things I don't think he's ever discussed with anyone. He was sober. He was sweet. I kept coming back for moments like that.

I wish I could also say that eventually I realized that a few sweet moments with Aaron didn't make up for all the hell he put me through, or the danger he put me in. When I was 17 Aaron had disappeared for awhile. Turns out he had moved. He called me one night, asking me to get together. I told him sure, but things would have to change. He agreed. He was supposed to call me back the next night. I don't know if he did or not. See, we had our own moved scheduled, and because of that, my Mom had the phones shut off. A few days later, we moved. I never saw Aaron again.

I still think about him. There was a period of time I was really depressed over the whole thing. What kind of person leaves a 15 year old waiting for them in their car? Most people won't even do that to their dogs. Did he think about me at all when he didn't show? A hopeful little girl, with her heart on her sleeve, waiting out on the slope of a hill, counting headlights, hoping that tonight he would show... Tonight he wouldn't waste her time? What happened to him on the nights he didn't show? Did he pass out from drinking too much? Did he find something, or rather someone better to do?

A part of me still misses him. I love my husband to pieces, and I love my son even more than that. There's no doubt in my mind that my husband is the one I'm supposed to be with, and I live the life I was supposed to live. But still... Your first love, jerk or not, will always hold a piece of your heart. I wonder if he's dead. In jail. Or if maybe he got his shit together. I look for him occasionally on facebook and myspace. I don't know what I'd do if I found him. I don't know if I'd even recognize him. I've never found him though. It doesn't help that his name is EXTREMELY common, and I also have no idea where he may be at this point. He was never into the whole computer thing anyway, so who knows if he ever got on the facebook train? I don't.

The thing about love is... I really don't believe you choose who to fall in love with. Like I said, the first time you fall... It just happens. Maybe even you will it to happen a little bit, just because you think it'll be so great. After you get burned though, you realize how much love can hurt. The second time, you're much more cautious. You fight it, try not to let it happen. Eventually you realize that it happens anyway.

I also wish I could say that after Aaron, I learned my lesson. No more boys that treat me like crap. I didn't. For a long time I still put up with a bunch of bull just to be with someone. When I met my husband, I told him I didn't want a relationship. Random hook ups were just fine with me. I wanted to be single for awhile. I wanted to wait for a guy who had everything I wanted, I didn't want to settle anymore, I wasn't going too.

Though, after that first date with my husband... I knew. I knew he was it for me. I knew that he had everything I wanted. And I got terrified that I had ruined it by telling him I only wanted a friends with benefits type of thing. I quickly found though, that he felt the same way.

I just can't blame Ella, for going back to Jason. In the old days, he was good. Now he may be a huge jerk, but he does have his moments where he shows her the old days Jason, and I think everyone at some point wishes to go back to the old days...

Am I making sense?

Well. That's my Jason. I also have another prayer request... I found out a family friend of ours... A girl I went to high school with, was diagnosed with cancer (non-hodgkins lymphoma). She's a few years younger than I am, and really just one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. She's gorgeous on the outside, and just as equally gorgeous on the inside. Really, just one of the nicest people I've ever met. I really do believe in the power of prayer/good thoughts. It doesn't have to be a religious thing, but I just think that a bunch of people sending out positive energy out for you has got to help. So PLEASE do so.

Another note about my son's surgery (and thanks for all the well wishes!) He does have two hernia's. One is his umbilical hernia which we've known about since birth. The surgeon said if that was the only one, he'd tell us to go away for a few years and then come back because 80% of those fix themselves. I guess they're the only hernia to close on their own. However, at some point he developed an epigastric hernia, and it's not going to close on it's own. They don't seem worried or anything... The surgeon did say that like with any procedure there are risks, but theres actually more of a chance of us dying in a car crash on the way to the hospital then there is of anything going wrong during surgery. I still don't want it done (what Mother is going to be happy about their child getting cut open? Even if it fixes a problem, I still wish the problem was never there in the first place, ya know?) but I know that his hospital is really good, and I like the surgeon, so now all I want is to just get it over with.

He goes back in a month (Feb. 19th) to have it done (as long as he doesn't get sick before hand). That's a Friday. We don't know what time yet, I guess the OR schedules the appointments, so we won't know the time until the day before. I will most likely post that Friday, but the week after is just going to be iffy. It's an outpatient procedure, he should come and go in the same day, and they made it sound like he'd be a little sore but not too bad... But they always say that. So, I have no idea what he's going to be like, how clingy he may be or anything like that, so obviously he's more important.

And last but not least... There's been some discussion on the flashback post... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I obviously DO want to wrap up what happens with Jacob, I just don't know how to do it, and I don't want to keep canceling entries because of it. So... I just don't know. If I do cancel them right now without wrapping things up, it's going to be a temporary thing, just until I can figure it out. Then I'll wrap it up and cancel them for good.