I'm the fool in love with the fool who's still in love with you

I stood outside for a long while. How long, I don’t know. I didn’t feel the cold, or the wind, and I didn’t feel time passing by. Eventually, Matt opened the door. He stopped short when he saw me.

“Ella?” He asked, confused. “What are you doing out here?”

I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t even if I wanted too, I couldn’t even turn to look at him. It’s like my body realized I was no good at controlling it’s actions and decided to take that privilege away from me.

“Where’s Drew?” Matt called, coming down the stairs. When I didn’t answer, he placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Jeez, El, you’re freezing!” He exclaimed, shrugging off his sweatshirt and tucking it around me.

“I’m fine.” I answered, shrugging off Matt’s jacket, and handing it back to him. Part of me was feeling so horrible – I didn’t deserve to be warm. The other part of me knew that my shirt still smelled like Drew, and I didn’t want Matt’s cologne to erase that.

“At least come inside.” Matt said, looking confused.

I nodded, and followed in behind him.

“What’s wrong?” Matt asked once we were back inside, a look of concern etched into his face.

“I’m fine.” I repeated again. I wasn’t sure if I was saying that in response to Matt’s question, or if I was trying to convince myself. I didn’t feel fine.

I shuffled to my room without another word, the door clicking behind me. I heard Cumulus whine and scratch at it. Usually he slept with me, but I just wanted to be alone tonight.

I laid face down on my bed, and sobbed into it, letting the pillows and blankets muffle any sort of sound. I cried until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, feeling like death warmed over, wanting desperately to call off, but not wanting to be by myself all day. I didn’t bother showering, just pulled my greasy hair back into a pony-tail, slapping on track pants and a baggy sweatshirt, and topping the mess with a baseball hat. My eyes were puffy and swollen, and I knew there was nothing I could do about that.

“Whoa.” Matt answered when I stepped into the kitchen. I shot him a look.

“I mean… Are you OK? You don’t look…” He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding mean.

“I’m fine.” I mumbled again.

“But your eyes…” He said, reaching up to gingerly touch one.

“Allergies.” I lied again, shrugging away. I knew that didn’t sound likely. It was the middle of December, there was really nothing to cause allergies. Without waiting for Matt to answer, I ducked out of the house.

I took refuge in my office, glad to be alone, but still able to hear people talking and phones ringing, and knowing I wasn’t totally alone. I was even more thankful for the fact that the kids were out for winter break, and I wouldn’t have to deal with them, or their questions.

I worked half assed, desperate for a distraction, but unable to fully focus on anything. I jumped from one task to another, never really completing anything, never making any real progress.

It continued like this the rest of the week. I showered, by my appearance didn’t really improve beyond that. I made myself eat at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I never really tasted the food, nor was I really hungry. Finally, the Friday before the agency closed on it’s on Christmas break, I walked into the front office to say my goodbyes to the staff. It was there where I was ambushed.

Matt was sitting at the desk, answering calls. My boss and Mama Rivers were at the table, having a meeting. Mama Rivers got up to leave, wishing me a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday on the way out.

“Well. I’m headed home.” I said, waving slightly.

“Wait.” My boss called. “What’s going on with you lately?”

Matt looked up to hear my answer. I hadn’t been talking to him much either.

I wanted to lie. Meant too even. But it just caught my so off guard that I couldn’t think of anything.

“My boyfriend broke up with me.” I answered. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud, and hearing the words ring in my ears… A fresh wave of hurt washed over me.
I glanced at Matt, and wasn’t able to read his face.

“Oh geez. You didn’t beg when he did it, did you?” My boss replied, picking up his newspaper. “I hate girls that beg.”

“No. I didn’t beg.” I said, turning to leave.

It hit me when I got to the car: I wish I would have begged. Oh, why didn’t I beg?

I thought about avoiding Matt when he got home. I knew he’d have a lot of questions, and I didn’t want to answer them. I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to deal with it. I knew all I would have to do was hole up in my room. He was leaving tomorrow to go home, spend Christmas and the Holidays with his family. The rest of the interns were leaving for good, he had some extended vacation time so he could pack his stuff and move pack, to start his permanent job with the agency. I had been looking forward to his absence, to having Drew over and having the house to ourselves. I had so many plans, and now they were all gone. I wondered where Drew would spend the Holidays. Usually he came down to be with my family, since his was such a wreck. It made me sad to think of him, alone, with no place to go. I wanted to call him, to invite him, but he had asked for time, and part of me felt like I should give that to him.

Now I was nervous about Matt leaving. While I wanted to be by myself, I also didn’t want to be totally alone. It was like at work, I would be holed up in my office, but still know that people were just outside my closed door. It was the same at home. I stayed in my room, but I knew Matt was just a few steps away. Being totally alone with myself scared me.

Still, part of me knew this is what I needed. I needed to mope and deal with it. I was sad over Drew, and I had every right to be. But I couldn’t be sad forever. I had to either formulate a plan to get him back, or move on with things. And honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

Well, that’s a lie. I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to win him back. I just didn’t know what HE really wanted. I didn’t want to push him, to hurt him more, to hurt our friendship more. I thought a life without Jason was horrible. Drew was that guy I just always took for granted. It really was true, you never knew what you had till it was gone.

I meant to hide out in my room, but all the thinking led me to blanking out, and I was still sitting on the couch when Matt walked in. I stood, to leave the living room and head for my room, but he blocked my path.

“You didn’t tell me you and Drew broke up.” He sounded angry, and I just couldn’t take any more people being mad at me.

I collapsed on the couch and started to cry.

“Oh Ella.” He sighed, coming to sit next to me. He pulled me into his arms. “What happened?”

“He found out I slept with Jason.” I wailed.

“How?” He asked, rubbing slow, smooth circles on my back.

“Kayla showed up at the house. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him. He was so angry… And worse, so hurt. He thought I was trying to hide it from him.” I sniffed. “I really didn’t mean too. I was just so embarrassed about it, and he had said he didn’t want to hear anymore about me and Jason. I just… I wreck everything.” I said, wailing again.

“Shhh…” He whispered. “You don’t wreck everything. It was just… A mistake. Everyone makes them. Have you tried to talk to him at all?”

“He told me he needed time. I don’t know if I should give it to him or not. I have no clue what to do.”

I cried in his arms a little longer, soaking the front of his hooded sweatshirt.
“Do you want me to stay here? I mean you probably shouldn’t be alone.” Matt asked.
It took me a second to realize he meant not go home for Christmas.

“No, Matt.” I answered. “I appreciate it, I really do. But you haven’t seen your family in awhile, and you need to pack.”

“Do you want to go with me?”

“Home with you?” I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to go. I really did. His family sounded fantastic, and I’d love to meet them, and I didn’t really want to face my Mother and let her know that I had messed up with Drew too. But, I knew she’d flip her lid if I didn’t make it home for Christmas.

I shook my head no. “I really would like to meet your family sometime, but my Mom will have a fit if I’m not at home. And, I really think I need some time alone. To wallow, and to get over it.”

Matt nodded. “I understand.”

I looked up at him and gave him a blurry, tear streaked smile. “Thanks Matt.”
He used his thumb to wipe away a lone tear. “You know, your eyes turn green when you cry. It’s really beautiful, in a really sad way.” His finger lingered, and again, I felt sparks flash through me.

I could have easily kissed him. I wanted too, and I think maybe he wanted to kiss me too. I know that sounds horrible, here I am claiming to be so sad over Drew and wanting to kiss another guy… But, it was more like, I was hurting so badly that I didn’t want to think about Drew. Kissing Matt would be a distraction, and I so desperately wanted a distraction.

However, I realized that’s how I got into the mess I did with Jason, which ruined the relationship I had with Drew. I was willing to make mistakes, but only if I could learn from them, and as good as kissing Matt might have felt, I knew it would come with some pretty serious consequences. If I did get Drew back, I didn’t want to have to admit to sleeping or fooling around with Matt as well. And if I didn’t get Drew back, I didn’t want to also wreck my friendship with Matt over a stupid kiss just because I needed a distraction.

I leaned up and kissed Matt on the cheek.

“I’m going to go cook dinner. It’s been awhile since I had a real meal.” I said, pulling myself away from him and his arms.

“I better go pack.” Matt said, blushing slightly. I wondered what he was thinking about. “I think I’m going to head out tonight. I hear we’re supposed to get snow in the early AM and I’d like to avoid it.”

I nodded, again, sad to see him go, but a little glad the temptation was leaving.
“Be safe, and Merry Christmas.” I said, heading to the kitchen.

“You too.” He answered.