FB: Having so much to say, and watching you walk away...

I walked to the car, silent, angry, seething. I wanted to just turn around and go home, I wanted to give up. But Toni’s story was still ringing in my ears, and I didn’t want another Jason situation, to walk away and later regret it. Still, I knew Jacob would have to make a big effort to show me he wanted me back. To make me want him back.

I let Jason sit up front, pouting in the back. I knew in order to give Jacob a chance to win me back, I’d have to let him be near me, but right now I was so angry, upset, and shocked at how things were playing out, I just needed to be by myself to let my head clear.

We got to the hotel, the same hotel we’ve stayed at every time I’ve ever visited. I was even more pissed off to see that we were here. I don’t know where else we would have stayed, but I also knew a lot of people came here from the base on the weekends. To get away for a little bit, to party. That’s all I needed, to lose Jacob to another party. On the other hand, maybe if he showed me he could refrain from the whole thing, stay home with me, show me some attention instead of going out and drinking… Maybe that’s what I needed.

We pulled into the hotel, Jacob running in to check in, and then showing up to the part of the hotel we were staying at. Jacob reached into the trunk to grab my bag as I slowly opened the back door, swinging my legs out and rubbing my eyes and stretching. Too much traveling. I was tired.

Jacob made his way up to the room, throwing a look behind me to make sure I was following. I nodded, to let him know I was coming. Jason got out of the passenger’s side and made his way over to the driver’s side.

“Where you goin?” I asked, getting out of the car.

He paused, turned and walked back over to me. “I thought by your reaction… I’m going back to the base.”

“Why?” I asked, honestly confused. My brain hurt, I had imagined things would be one way, and people would change them on me. And then, just as I was getting used to the changes, another change would be thrown my way.

“You didn’t seem like you wanted me here Ella. You seemed kinda mad when I showed up at the airport. And you know, you had a right to be. This is your and Jacob’s thing. I have no place here. I should have said no when he asked me to come.”

“But… I want you to stay now.” I asked, desperation creeping into my voice. I was annoyed that Jacob had brought Jason. It seemed like such a cowardly move. But now I realized, I didn’t want to be alone with Jacob. I didn’t want to know what was going to happen, I didn’t want to deal with our problems, I didn’t want to do this.

“El… You know that just means you won’t fix anything.”

“Maybe it can’t be fixed, Jason. Maybe it’s better if we just throw in the towel. He hurt me, and I just don’t see how that can be undone.”

“You wanna give up Ella? Already? You haven’t even tried.”

“I don’t want to try.” I whined.

“You and I both know that’s not true. You aren’t a lazy person. You’re scared to try. And you and I both know what happens when you run away because you’re scared. Yeah, things might not work out, yeah, it might hurt. But what if it doesn’t go down like that? What if things work out? Aren’t you going to regret not knowing?” He voice lowered, and he stepped a little closer to me. “Doesn’t regret hurt worst of all Ella?”

I couldn’t make myself look at him. I knew he was talking about us, and I didn’t know what to say.

He sighed, and took one of my hands in his. “Look. I’m going back to the base. If you need me, call me. I’ll have my phone and I’ll have the car, and I’ll come right back. But, just… Talk to him. He’s been through a lot. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but… Cut him some slack.”

“Alright.” I said, still not looking at him.

“Ella.” He said, so softly I’m not sure if he actually said it until he slipped his finger under my chin and forced me to look at him.

“What?” I asked, feeling as if I was going to cry, and then feeling stupid because of it. I knew I was being dramatic, I just couldn’t help myself. Part of it was the situation, part of it was because I was tired, and part of it was something else. I don’t know what.

“I..” He trailed off. “I’m just a phone call away, OK? Remember that.”

Before I could answer, he kissed my forehead, and turned, walking to the car door. With a small, controlled smile, and a slight wave, he got in and drove off.

Standing there, watching Jason driving away, and feeling Jacob’s eyes on me from the window, I felt my heart rip in two.

I stood out there, watching the car turn around the bend and out of sight, and wondered what I wanted to do. There was a huge part of me that wanted to chase Jason, tell him how I was feeling lately. But then I thought about his words, and he was right. Regret was the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and Jason and I had our chance. I had felt that pain, regretting our relationship, and I didn’t want to go through it all over again, I knew I had to talk to Jacob, hear what he had to say. I had to give it a shot, because I did care about Jacob.

With a heart heavier than I would have liked, I turned to go into the room, and to face Jacob.

The door shut behind me with a loud click, too loud it seemed. Jacob was sitting in a chair, and I noticed him jump when I walked in. As scared and nervous as I was, I realized Jacob had to be even more so. Still, I couldn’t muster up much sympathy for him. This was all his fault, after all.

“We need to talk.” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears. I walked across the room and sat in the chair across from Jacob’s.

“Yeah…” He said, looking down. Then, he sat up, straightening himself.

“I, uh.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about Jason. That was a bad move on my part.”

“Ya think?” I said, sarcastically. I shook my head, sarcasm wasn’t going to solve anything.

“I just mean… It seemed like you were hiding behind him. You were the one to mess up, and now you need back up?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even and calm.

“I know, and I know it’s going to sound like a cop out, but I just wanted to make things easier on you. I knew you were angry at me, I knew it would take a lot for you to come… I just thought it would be easier if you had a friend in your corner. And yes, it would be easier on me too. But, just so you know, I don’t know if I could even call Jason a friend any more. He’s not too happy with me right now.”

“Can you blame him?” I asked.

Jacob shrugged. “He’s messed up in the past before too.”

“Oh come on Jacob.” I scoffed. “You’re honestly telling me that if a guy who was your friend had started dating Michelle…” He winced at the sound of her name, and it caused me to pause mid sentence.

There was quiet for a moment, and then Jacob continued for me.

“You’re right. If Jason had dated Michelle, and treated her the way I treated you, I would be angry as well. I guess… I just didn’t think of it like that.”

We were both quiet again. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how honest I should be. I had a feeling this conversation was going to be full of long, awkward pauses.
“I just… I hate that this is even about her. I really do. I mean, I feel like, all the stressors in our relationship have pretty much stemmed from your friendship from her. We fought, and she made you choose, and even though you chose me… Well, it doesn’t seem that way. Because she’s not even here, and still, she’s your reason, your excuse for doing the things you’ve done, for acting the way you’re acting… It’s just… Not fair.”

“Well, it’s not really fair that any of this happened. It’s not fair that she died, but she’s dead.” Jacob replied, anger flashing in his eyes.

“I know. Jacob. I’m not saying you asked for it to happen.” I said, trying to calm him down. “I’m not saying that you wanted this. I know you’re hurt. I know she hurt you. I just… I’m frustrated. I know it sounds really insensitive of me, but when are you going to get over this?”

“It just happened a few months ago, Ella, Jesus!” He yelled, jumping up.

“Yeah, I know, a few months ago. And yet you’re not even TRYING to get over it. You’re not doing ANYTHING except drinking, feeling sorry for yourself, and trying to make excuses for your behavior. And if that’s what you need to do Jacob? Fine. Go ahead and do it. But I won’t be here anymore. I’m willing to help you, and I’m willing to be understanding, but you’ve got to give me some clue that you want me around, that you want to try to move past this… Are you willing to move past this? Are you willing to try Jacob? Because if you can’t even say yes for that… There’s no reason for me to be here any longer. It’ll just be a waste of both our time.”