I'm always wrapped up in things I cannnot win

The day’s events had drained me, and it wasn’t even noon yet. I eyed the treadmill, knowing that I should run, not just to clear my head but for exercise as well, but I really was just too tired to do so. Cumulus whined and scratched at the door. I knew he deserved a long walk, especially on one of the rare nice days of winter, but again, just too tired. I let Cumulus out the back door, hoping that some extended yard time would satisfy him. He looked at his leash sadly, and then back up at me.

“I know buddy. I promise, tomorrow we’ll take a trip to the pet store, but today, I need some more me time.” I said, gently scratching his big head. He seemed to nod at me and then headed outside to do his business.

I plopped myself down on the couch and decided to spend the whole day on it, watching bad made for tv movies on lifetime. I only had a few more days to wallow by myself before Matt came home, and I wanted to get all this feeling-sorry-for-myself crap out of my system. I had just settled down to watch a little gem called “too young to marry” when I was interrupted by a knock at the door.

I considered not answering it, but whoever it was knocked again, and more urgently, I knew I better see who it was. Besides, I needed to let Cumulus back inside anyway.
I was shocked to see Toni standing on my steps, a large duffle bag sitting beside her.

“I knew I should have called. I’m glad your home though. What took you so long to answer?” She asked, pushing past me into the house, dragging her bag behind her.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as she set her bag down.

“I heard you were having a hard time… I can’t visit a friend?” She asked, walking into the kitchen.

“You can, it’s just… Work, and the kids… You can’t usually get away like this.” I answered, following her into the kitchen. Cumulus was waiting at the back door, and I opened the door to let him back in.

“I know. I needed some me time too. So I took it to come see you. What a good friend I am.” She said, smiling at me.

I was glad Toni was there, she would give me a much needed distraction, but it was also… Odd, that she was there. Toni was one of my best friends, probably my only female friend anymore. But we had a long distance friendship. She was so busy with work and her kids, she very rarely got up to see me. I usually went to her. Her behavior was also off. She seemed like she was trying to be upbeat and positive, but not quite hitting it.

“What’s really going on Toni?” I asked, leaning against the counter and eyeing her up and down.

“I told you… I know what’s going on. Just because you don’t talk to me anymore doesn’t mean Drew doesn’t fill me in on things.”

I winced. “He told you everything?”

She nodded. “Don’t blame him, he was drunk.”

“So you’re here to chew me out?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I thought about it. I mean you know what it’s like to be cheated on, I thought you would know better.” She sighed. “I think this conversation needs drinks. You wanna do lunch?”

Now it was my turn to shrug.

“C’mon. You drive, I’ll pay.” Toni said, heading for the front door.

We went to El Vaquero’s, and even though Toni had said she wanted a drink, she ordered a water when we sat down.

“I thought this was a conversation that needed drinks?” I asked.

“I didn’t say which one of us needed the drink. Besides, someone has to be the designated driver.” She said, shrugging and glancing over the menus. She waited until the waiter came back to take our order before she continued the conversation.

“So. Have you talked to Jason?”

“Yes.” I said, sipping my margarita.

“What happened?”

“You mean with the conversation or in general?” I asked, taking a longer sip of my margarita.

“Both.”

I shrugged. “I slept with him Toni. It was a big mistake, I regret it. I know I hurt a lot of people in the process, and I’m sorry for that. I don’t have any excuses, I just didn’t think. I didn’t know Jason would leave Kayla. I didn’t tell him too or ask him too or anything like that. I actually told him to get his shit together because she deserves better.”

Toni was shaking her head.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I just don’t buy it Ella. You have been pining after Jason since you were in the womb practically, and you finally get your chance and you’re just done?”

“It’s too little too late Toni.”

“No. I think it’s ‘I’m too scared to try so once again I’m just going to walk away and end up regretting it’.”

“Oh Toni, don’t. Don’t tell me I should give it a shot with Jason.” I whined.

“I just think that if you don’t, all that’s going to happen is he’s going to keep popping back up again and again. I don’t think he’s right for you. I think Drew is the one.”

“So why do you want me to get with Jason and in the meantime REALLY screw things over with Drew?” I asked, honestly bewildered. I was expecting Toni to stand and cheer when she heard I had given Jason the boot. Now she was acting the complete opposite.

“Because, I think it’ll end up doing more damage if you don’t. I think Jason will continue to pop back up and because you never gave it a shot with him you’ll always wonder… Wonder if he’s changed, if you’ve changed, if it could work right now. As for Drew… Well, I think ultimately that’s what he’s afraid of. I think he knows that you really are sorry for sleeping with Jason, but I think he cares about you so much and he’s just terrified that it’ll happen all over again. I think in the end, if you officially try it with Jason, and it officially doesn’t work out… Drew’ll feel better about the whole thing.”

“I don’t know Toni. It sounds like it’ll just make a mess of things all over again.”

She patted my hand. “Well, honey, aren’t things already a mess? Drew’s not talking to you. You and I both know whatever Jason said got to you.”

“But you’re saying it’s not going to work out, so why try? Why put myself through that, again?”

“Oh Ella.” She sighed. “I know I know a lot, but believe it or not, I don’t actually know everything. I don’t think it’ll work out, but hey, I could be wrong. It has happened before, you know. Besides, I’ve been telling you for awhile now that you two wouldn’t work out, and yet you kept on trucking. Why stop now?”

I sighed and sat back. “I don’t know. It’s just been so long, who knows if there’s anything left with Jason anyway?”

Toni shrugged, and the waiter came by and set our food down in front of us.

We were both quiet for a long moment, arranging things and chewing thoughtfully.

“How is Drew?” I asked, not looking up at her. I wanted to know, but I think no matter what the answer was, it was going to hurt.

“I don’t know.” She said, and I glanced up at her to see if she was just saying that because she thought I had no right to know, or if she honestly didn’t know. She was watching me, and she set down her fork.

“I mean, he seems…” She trailed off and shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Well, that makes me feel better.” I said, rolling my eyes and stabbing a piece of steak to make my fajita.

“It’s not all about you, you know.” Toni said, rolling her own eyes.

“I know.” I admitted, setting down my fork. “I’m sorry. How are you, anyway? What’s been going on? I know we don’t talk much, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I do miss you.”

She sighed and looked away. I didn’t know if I had offended her or hurt her feelings or what.

“Toni?” I asked, reaching across the table to touch her hand. She waved me off.

“I’m fine. I’m not mad.” She said, still not looking at me.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked, confused.

I was even more shocked when Toni did finally look back over at me, and I noticed there were unshed tears in her eyes.

“Let’s get out of here.” She said, even though we had just got here.

I didn’t say anything, just waved the waiter over and asked for the check and some boxes. I had a feeling the sooner we got out of here, the sooner Toni would spill the real reason she was here.

FB: And if you want more love... Why don't you ask for it?

I met Jason out in the hallway, the hotels air conditioning throwing a chill over me. Jason place a warm hand on the small of my back, gently guiding me to the elevator. I suddenly felt like I was on a first date again, electric shooting through me whenever Jason bumped into me, questions darting through my mind… Why was he standing so close to me? Is he looking at me a lot? I wonder what he’s thinking? He’s reaching for my hand… Is he holding it in a friendly way, or is he trying to send me some signals?

I was thinking so much that I didn’t hear him ask me a question.

“Ella?” He asked again, smiling.

“Sorry. I’m kind of tired.” I responded lamely.

“Do you want to stay in? We could just order room service or something.” He asked, a worried look crossing his face.

“No.” I answered quickly. “I’ll be fine. I need some fun.” I answered. Then I giggled nervously, thinking that fun could mean sex, which I needed as well.

Jason shot me a look with a half smile, as if he were questioning my sanity.

“What’d you ask me?” I said, trying to change the subject and appear normal.

“What are you in the mood for? Dancing? Dinner?”

“Well, definitely dinner first. I’m starved.”

Jason nodded. “Let’s head over to Pine, I hear there are plenty of restaurants and bars over there.”

“Lead the way.” I answered, smiling.

We stopped at a restaurant named Gladstone’s and ordered some amazing seafood. I wasn’t a huge fish fan, but I loved lobster, crab, and shrimp, and this place was tasty. We talked non stop throughout dinner, laughing and forgetting about Jacob. However, as we were waiting for the check, Jason cleared his throat and brought Jacob front and center.

“So… What happened with Jake?” He asked, looking slightly uncomfortable.

I shrugged, looking over Jason’s shoulder and taking in the view.

“Ella…” He prodded after a few minutes. I didn’t want to go there. I wanted this to be a fun weekend where I didn’t have to think about things that hurt me.

“I dunno, Jas. I just… He’s so hurt over Michelle. And I get it. If you ever did something like that…” I trailed off, not knowing exactly how to finish it. “But he’s not trying, at all. Actually, I take that back. He is trying his damndest not to feel anything, and then he’s so shocked when the alcohol wears off and there’s all this… Pain. I just feel… I feel like when he looks at me, all he sees is a mistake. Like he should have picked Michelle.” I looked away and shrugged. “Maybe he should have.”

“Ella, that’s not true.”

“It is true Jason. He resents me for Michelle dying. I don’t even really blame him for it. I just wish he would man up and say so. I wish he’d admit to feeling something… I don’t know. It’s a mess, and I can’t help him, because he doesn’t want me too, so what else can I do, but walk away? I mean I feel for him, but not enough to stick around and be his punching bag.”

Jason nodded. “Yeah.”

“So… What about you and Kayla?” I ventured cautiously. “What’s going on there?”

The waiter came then, and handed Jason the check, which I tried to take from him and he wouldn’t let me. He busied himself with paying for it, and then we left the restaurant, walking around to try to figure out something to get into. I thought the question was lost, and didn’t really have the courage to bring it up again, but to my surprise, Jason started talking on our walk.

“She’s just a lot of… Work. I know relationships ARE work, but that’s not all the should be, all the time, you know? I mean she’s crazy jealous of you, and it’s like, any time I talk to you, or talk about you, her whole mood shifts.”

“..Sorry.” I said, feeling guilty for something that I knew wasn’t my fault.

“No, it’s not your problem, it’s hers. It’s like, if she doesn’t trust me, why are we together? I don’t know. She said she needed some time to think about what she wanted… I mean I don’t blame her. It’s not like I’m a great boyfriend. I live far away from her, and most of the time I’m busy with Corps stuff and it’s just… It’s a lot. So we split.”

“I think you are a great boyfriend.” I said, smiling.

“Well, thanks.”

“It’s just… If you really want to be with someone, I don’t think any of that stuff matters. Yeah the distance is hard, and yeah trust is sometimes difficult, but if you really want to be with a person… It’s worth it.”

“I agree.” Jason said, stopping at a pier that overlooked the beach. He leaned against the rail, shooting me a sideways look that I couldn’t really read.

I shivered, from the look and from the chill in the air. Jason shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around me, standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me. We didn’t speak, didn’t move, we just stood there. I swear I felt our two hearts beat in time as one.

We eventually decided to skip the clubs and head back to the hotel. I was more tired than I was ready to admit. Jason walked me to the door.

“Well. Thanks for the good night, kid.” He said, punching me lightly on the arm.

“Wait… Do you wanna come in? And like… Watch a movie?” I was exhausted, but I also didn’t want Jason to go.

“You look like you’re about to keel over any second, I don’t think you’re going to make it through a movie.” Jason laughed.

“We can at least start one…” I said, whining slightly.

“Alright. But don’t try to stay up for my sake.” He said, following me into my room.

I changed into pajama pants and a tee shirt, and when I came back into the room, Jason was in his boxers under the blanket. As soon as my head hit his chest, I was out like a light.

The rest of the weekend we spent bumming around, hanging out on the beach, cuddling, talking… Our relationship had shifted again, but into what, I couldn’t quite tell. Jason would give me these looks, as if he wanted to say something, but he never did. We never did anything more than cuddle and hand hold either, but I wanted more, and I think he did as well.

Finally, it was time to head home. I felt rejuvenated, my skin felt glowy from the sun, and my mood was high. I was still a little bummed about Jacob, but I felt… Hopeful.

However, the hope was quickly knocked out of me when I walked up to my gate with Jason at the airport and not only saw Jacob waiting for me, but Kayla as well.

“What are you doing here?” Jason asked.

“She came to surprise you.” Jacob answered for Kayla. “We spent the weekend talking… Ella, please, can you and I talk…” He glanced at Jason, “alone?”

I looked at Jason, not sure what to say, but he was already being pulled away by Kayla. I felt my heart ripping in half. She was probably here to apologize. They were going to get back together. It was the way things were supposed to be.

“What’s up?” I asked, keeping my distance from him.

“Look… Kayla and I spent the whole weekend talking… I know you two don’t really get along, but she’s actually a really smart girl and…”

I shot Jacob a look and started to walk away. After all he had done to me I was about to stand there and listen to him sing some other girl’s praises, especially Kayla’s.

“Ella wait.” He said, grabbing my arm. “What I meant was… Just. She knocked some sense into me, OK? I realize I’ve never said this to you, but I’m sorry. What I did was wrong, and you’ve put up with an awful lot from me… I’ve talk to Kayla, and my Mom, and they both think maybe I should get into some counseling, for Michelle, and for the drinking…”

“Well. Good for you.” I said. I realized after I said it that it came across as kind of bitchy. I didn’t mean it too, I just… Didn’t know what else to say.

“I want us to work Ella. I really like you. And I know I have no right to ask you this but please… Give me another shot.”

“Jacob…” I asked, glancing over to look at Jason. He and Kayla were in a heated conversation. I watched them for a minute, making it look as if I was trying to figure out what to say. Really, I wanted to gauge Jason’s reaction to Kayla. If he walked away from her, I would walk away from Jacob. If not… Well. Then I would give Jacob another shot. I guess.

My heart broke when Kayla pulled Jason into a hug, and Jason, glancing at me, hugged her back.

“Ella… I know I don’t deserve it. But really, you’ve been through this whole thing with me, and… I just want to make it right between us. I want you in my life. I won’t mess up again Ella, I promise and it’s just… I’m done with the partying, done with the other girls. I’ll deal with my issues and I’ll work on being the man you deserve. Please, just one more chance.”

Jason and Kayla were walking back towards us, hand in hand. Kayla had a huge smile on her face, and Jason… Well, I wasn’t able to read him.

I nodded, almost involuntarily at Jacob. He reached forward and wrapped me up in a hug.

“Thank you so much Ella. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.” He said, kissing my cheek.

“Jacob, I think it goes without saying… You mess up again, it’s over. I don’t want to put perfection pressure on you or anything like that, but I’m also not going to be played. You need to show me that you’re putting in effort, or I’m done. Understand?”

He nodded, seriously. “I care about you a lot Ella.” He said, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “I could easily see myself marrying you. I won’t mess it up. I promise.”

Jacob held onto me until my flight was called. He did finally let go so I could hug Jason goodbye. I wasn’t sure if it was him or I, but one of us definitely held on too long.

Whatever Wednesday: Sorry about the delays...

This was supposed to be posted WAY earlier. For some reason every time I went to blogger earlier, it would give me an error message. At one point it let me see the blog, but when I went to post a comment (to let you guys know I was having an issue) it wouldn't let me comment. So. Hopefully it works tomorrow (I even tried Internet Explorer)

I know I said I was going to try to post an actual post today. Obviously, I'm not going too. I didn't get as much writing done yesterday as I would have liked, and I know I'm not going to write anything this weekend (it's my birthday on Sunday, so I'll be out celebrating with friends.) So I'm trying to kind of conserve so it doesn't get interrupted anymore.

I keep toying with the idea of cutting back on postings... But three just doesn't seem like enough. Still, it's getting trickier to find time to write. It doesn't help either that I broke my son's highchair, so for the last couple days we've been feeding him while he's running around... Usually I'm able to get a little done when he's contained in his highchair eating a snack, or breakfast, or lunch. I love my son to death, but lately he's being... Well. A boy. I call him part boy, part natural disaster. He's either climbing something he's not supposed too, ripping something he's not supposed too, throwing things around... The living room stays a mess because I see no point in cleaning it when two seconds later he's into something else and messing it up. The rest of the house... Well. It's been a little neglected too. I used to be OK with leaving him alone for a second to empty and load the dishwasher, or to sort a load of laundry. Now if I do that, he either attempts to climb the gate to get with me, or is running the other way to climb the stairs, or trying to get into something he's not supposed to be in to.

Then there's the napping thing. He used to be a great napper. He's still OK, but it's down to one nap a day. Sometimes I get three hours, sometimes I get one.

I'm just trying to get ahead like I was, so if I miss a day and can't write, I still have a nice cushion. Which is why I'm not writing today (well, obviously I am writing, because here I am! But these postings take me literally five minutes, but I don't really have to think about what to say or what I want to happen.)

Anyway, thank you as well on the compliments on the layout. I like it, and think I'm going to keep it. I need to re-add some of the links on the side - I lost all my blogs links, so if you had a blog on the links, you want to recommend a blog for the side of the links, please, feel free to let me know (either in email or the comments) send me the link to the blog, the title, and whether it's fiction or non-fiction.

Last but not least, I'm uber frustrated today. We added my brother to our family cell phone plan, and they messed up how they billed him (we have an everything data plan, meaning we can get on the net as much as we want, message as much as we want, use navigation as much as we want, ect.) Anyway, for some reason, they were charging him an additional 99 dollars for texting him, and charging him to use data (an additional 75 dollars) My husband called last week, they told us it was fixed, and they had credited our account. Our phones got shut off today, our cell phone bill was sky high. So Jeremy called and didn't really get anything accomplished (even though he was on the phone with them for 1/2 hour, and they had to call him back.) Then I called once and the guy my husband talked too originally only credited our account for one charge. So I had to get them to take off an additional 175 dollars. Then she told me she fixed it. Then I went looking through the bill and found an additional 3 charges, so I had to call back to have them taken off.

If that charge shows up again next month, I'm going off. I had three different people tell me today that it's been fixed, it damn well better be fixed.

Then, we're trying to plan my party. I wanted to go out to Dave and Busters (Do you guys have those around there?) They just opened up a new one, so I wanted to check it out (I've never been to a Dave and Busters or Gameworks or anything like that.) My cousin however, told me that she was just there and they had to wait an hour and a half for a table. Since I'm bringing at least 15 people with me, I thought, well, maybe they'll take a reservation since we're bringing in so many people.

Well, they will, only they say we have to spend at least 300 dollars. Which, sounds like a lot, but if we have 15 people? I mean between food, drinks, and games, we'll hit that easy. So Jeremy calls back to book the room, and then they tell him that it has to be all on one check. Why? I mean I know, some places charge an mandatory 20% tip to your check if your party is over so many people, and I get that. But last year they did that AND split the checks. So. Whatever. Then they tell him that they need an 150 dollar deposit. Which, I kinda get. They don't wanna hold the room and have us not show. But the deposit goes towards the check, and we're not planning on paying for everyone, so... Jeremy asks if can we just give them a credit card so that if we don't show they can charge us. The woman said she had to ask her boss and she would call us back.

No call. We called her. She's gone for the night. The party is supposed to be Saturday. I need to let people know where to go. Like I said, we're bringing at LEAST 15 people, if not more. Do they not want my money?

So. Now I dunno where I'm going to have this party. So I better get on researching on that :-)

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong

It was hard to believe that writing that little email wore me out, but it did. After it was done and I clicked send, I felt the energy drain out of me. I laid down on the sofa, planning on watching some TV – even though I was tired, I still hadn’t been sleeping well, taking forever to finally doze off, and waking several times throughout the night. So, I was beyond surprised when I blinked, and it was morning.

Sunshine was rare this time of year in Ohio, but that’s what woke me, pure sunshine pouring through the window and seeping through the cracks of my eyelids. For the first time in a long time, I felt optimistic. I rose and stretched, my stomach rumbling. I shuffled into the kitchen, giving Cumulus his breakfast before starting mine, whistling while I cooked, I felt so good that when I finished cooking, I decided to check my email to see if Drew had written back.

He had. I set down my breakfast, my mouse posed over the email, wondering if I should click it or not. I was a little less optimistic now, and a lot more nervous.
I actually clicked it by accident – Cumulus came in and bumped my hand, making me click the email link.


Ella-
You have to try to understand where I’m coming from. You say it was a mistake, but that’s a pretty big mistake, isn’t it? And who’s to say it’s not going to happen again? I just think you and I need some time and space apart. Work things out with Jason. See where that takes you. I’ll contact you when I’m ready to talk. Until then, please just leave me be.
-Drew


I had to re-read it a few times before it sunk it. Drew was telling me to leave him alone. I thought maybe… I don’t know. I thought I could fix this.

I felt drained all over again, and I slunk back to the couch, covering my face with the blanket. I had hoped that I fall back into sleep, erasing this whole scene from my mind, but sleep didn’t come. Instead all these thoughts… What should I do now? Should I try to talk to him still? Should I give him space like he asked? I wasn’t ready to give up on it. I was suddenly angry, and I flung off the blanket and marched to the computer.


Drew-
I want to give you what you want. I really do. I think you have every right to ask for time and space, but I also think I have a right to say what I want to say, to fight for what I want. I don’t want to push you away, I don’t want you to be angrier at me than you already are, but I also don’t want to walk away thinking that I should have tried more.
I know you think that because I slept with Jason that it could happen again. I understand that’s a logical fear, but I know that because I slept with Jason, it won’t happen again. I know how I felt when I slept with him. He and I will always have this history, and I can’t erase that. But I do know the clichéd quote that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I love Jason, I won’t lie to you, I probably always will. But he and I…. We’ve just been through too much. I look at him and I see an old war buddy, we’ve been through battles, and we both have our own scars, and I just can’t go back into that battle anymore. It’s not worth it. War never really is.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I just know that I have to tell you, you’re the one I want to be with. I should have seen it a lot sooner, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. Don’t fault me for that, be glad that I’m here now, that I see it now, that I’m not an idiot anymore. I think if you walk away from this you’ll end up regretting it just as much as I will, if not more, because I’m trying Drew, I’m trying and you’re just giving up.
If you don’t respond, I’ll give you your space. I can’t make you do anything, but I also can’t just let it go either.


With that I clicked send, and sat down on the couch. I wanted to cry, could feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes. And even though I wanted them to come – like rain on a dry field – they just wouldn’t.

I knew since I was on a roll, I needed to clean up all the messes I had made, and one of those messes was Jason. I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

“Hello?” He answered curiously.

“Hi. It’s me.” I answered, my voice sounding smaller than I had intended it to.

“I know. Hi.” Jason sounded shy himself, and I wondered what was going through his mind.

Neither one of us spoke for a moment.

“So… You left Kayla.” I finally blurted out. Yup. Smooth talker, that’s what I am.

“Yeah… I did.”

“Why?” I asked, honestly curious.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. I pictured him running his hand over a cropped haircut. “It just… Didn’t feel right. You and I, we felt right. I never should have married her. I realize that makes me sound like a total jackass, and everyone has let me know that. They’re right. I am a jackass. But I couldn’t keep her hanging on. I didn’t think it was fair.”

“That actually sounds pretty selfish.”

“Well, Ella.” He said, laughing slightly. “One of the things I’ve discovered about myself in these last few weeks is that I’m a pretty selfish person.”

“Yeah, well. I could have told you that.” I said, smiling despite the bitterness I felt.

“Wish you would have. It would have saved me some time.”

Again, silence came over the line. I didn’t know what I was doing… Why I had even called.

“It’s good to hear your voice Ella.” He said, his voice going quiet again. It cut right to my soul.

“Don’t, Jason.” I snapped.

“Don’t what?” He asked, innocently.

“Don’t pull that crap. I didn’t call to flirt with you.”

“Then why did you call?” He asked, his voice starting to sound angry.

“I don’t know. I just thought… We should talk. Things just…” I was at a loss for words.

“I love you. I miss you. I want you. I should have said all those things years ago, and I didn’t. You were that one constant thing that I always took for granted, and you have no idea how much I regret that. Picking Kayla… I just did it because I knew how she felt about me. You, I was never really sure, and it just… It got hard, Ella. I thought you weren’t worth it. What can I say? I’m stupid, and I’m sorry, but please don’t hold it against me. We all make mistakes and I’m trying to correct mine. I really am.”

“If you’re trying to correct it, then how come I haven’t heard from you? How come you weren’t the one to tell me you left Kayla? With you, it’s just never enough Jason. It’s almost, but not quite.”

“I wanted to make sure everything was set in stone before I came to you, Ella. I wanted to make sure my shit was together. I didn’t want you to think that I was leaving my options open, I wanted to show you… It’s all or nothing, babe. I want it all. And then there was Drew…”

I sucked in at the sound of his name. It was like someone rubbing salt in my wound.

“What about Drew?”

“He told me you two were together. I had left Kayla and came to visit him, planning on getting advice on how to win you back. He told me he wanted to be the one to tell me before I found out about it from someone else. I was pissed at first, but… Drew’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy. I was planning on letting it all go, but hearing your voice… I just. I can’t. I don’t want to fuck up my friendship with Drew, but if that’s what it comes down to Ella… You’re it for me. You’ve been it for me since the day we met, and we’ve spent so much time apart, I just don’t want to waste anymore time.”

Again, quiet filled the line. I didn’t know what to do. For years I had been waiting for Jason to make confessions like these, and now that I was happening, all I could think was, wrong guy.

“You can’t tell me you haven’t wondered what it’d be like Ella. You can’t tell me you don’t miss me or love me.” Jason cut in. His voice sounded desperate.

“I can’t.” I admitted. “I think about you a lot more than I should. I do love you, more than I should. I do wonder every day what it would be like. But it’s not enough Jason. It’s… Too little too late. There’s just so much here, and it’s too much to get over. If you and I got together, I’d wonder all my life why I was second pick…”

“But you win, Ella. It doesn’t matter that I picked you second, I pick you forever…”

“Sure, Jas. You say that now. But it’s just not how I see it. And furthermore, what happens when things get hard between us? Is it back to Kayla? Is it back to a situation where things are easier? There are just too many questions, and such a lack of trust. I love you, but I don’t trust you at all.”

“What do I do El? Just tell me what to do, because being without you hurts.”

“It’s just one of those things Jas that’s always going to hurt. You and I, we made too many mistakes and that road has passed us by. The only thing I can hope for now is that maybe we can give each other time and space and one day be friends again.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

“I don’t either.” I admitted. “But I think sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest, and Jason, we just… Can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” He admitted.

I hate to disappoint but there will be no post tomorrow. I don't really even have an excuse, time just got away from me and it's been a busier weekend than I expected and I didn't write. I do apologize, I know this has been happening quite a bit lately, and I'm not holding up my end of the bargin. I know you guys have been understanding, but I made the schedule, I should adhere to it, and I'm not.

I think it may be time to re-evaluate the schedule. I'm not even sure it needs to be a permanent thing or not, but I think I need some time to get back ahead of posts. My son is down to one nap a day now, leaving me little time to write (and little time to do housework, which if you guys think I'm neglecting you, you should see my house!) He was taking one HUGE nap, which one nice, but now it's hit or miss on how much time I get, sometimes I luck out and get three hours, some time it's only an hour or an hour and a half.

So here's what I'm thinking- I'm going to take a few days off, try to catch up, and continue on with the normal 4 days a week posting. If I find myself STILL falling behind, we'll re-evaluate the schedule, but I think if I get a few posts ahead, then I'll be OK. I'm going to try to get back by Tuesday, but at the absolute latest it'll be thursday, and I'll also work on fixing this stupid layout.

Again, I'm sorry guy. Just need to do a little tweaking.

Ahhhhhh

OK-

So I got bored with my layout and decided to play around with some new ones. The thing is, I really know squat about html and templates and all that crap. I'm OK at finding one online, copying and pasting it, but then if there's something I don't like about it (like there was one I LOVED but the color was too dark.) I have NO clue how to fix it.

Hence the problem we're having right now. I put this new layout up, I like it OK, but it's not love. I love this other one, but there's someone elses information on the side. I thought I could get rid of it, customize my tools like I used too, but my tools are gone.

I know if I play with it, I can probably figure it out, or at least find a new layout that works. Problem is, while attempting to work while my son is awake, he has gotten into a bunch of my husband's stuff (my husband has a stand downstairs, it's where he keeps a bunch of random stuff- he puts random bills on it, keeps change, jewelry box, checkbook... It's now all over the place.) So I need to go deal with that and probably won't be back at this until tonight at the earliest, maybe not even until sometime Sunday night.

So hang tight, I'm trying to fix it!

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind... For me it happens all the time

“Really?” Greg said laughing, after we parked. “Bowling Ella? On New Years?”

I smiled and shrugged. “I don’t really feel like going to a bar, but if you want to drink there’s one in here. I just want to have some fun.”

“Fair enough.” Greg answered. Before I could stop him, he paid for both the games and the shoes.

“Not cool. This isn’t a date.” I joked after the man at the counter handed us our clown shoes.

“I never said it was.” Greg replied, a little defensively.

“I just…” I started, feeling bad for hurting his feelings. “I got the food, OK?” I said, shooting Greg a smile and bumping his shoulder with mine.

“And beer.” He retorted.

“And beer.” I agreed.

We played a game that started off as a silly competition, seeing which one who could roll the ball the goofiest way, and when we realized towards the end of the game that we were within a few pins of each other, it turned to a more serious competition. I beat Greg by two pins, 56 to his 64. We decided to take a break before our second game, and true to my word, I bought pizza and chips, a soda for me, and a pitcher for Greg.

“So.” He said, sitting down with our pizza. “Dinner of champions eh?”

“My new years resolution is a diet. But, it’s not the new year yet!” I joked, digging into to the greasy pizza.

“Funny.” He said, biting into his own slice. “I would have thought it would have been making amends with Drew.”

I stopped chewing. “Really? We’re going to go there?” I asked, scowling.

Greg shrugged. “I think we need too. Jarren told me you two split. I just didn’t know why until tonight.”

I was quiet for a moment, taking a sip of my soda.

“How’d Jarren even know, anyway?”

“She talks to Drew. On facebook. Sometimes text.”

“Oh.” I asked, a pit of worry growing in my stomach. I didn’t know they talked. I didn’t really like it either.

“Ella, you know it’s not like that. Even Jarren has no delusion that it’s like that. Drew’s just a nice guy to everyone. Hell, I’ve only met him what? One time? And even I know that.”

“It’s just hard. I guess. I mean I’ve been the center of his whole world for so long, and now… I’m nothing. I don’t like that he’s talking to someone else and not to me.” I played with the edge of my paper plate, not really wanting to eat the pizza anymore.

“Well…” Greg drew out. “Have you tried to talk to him?”

I shook my head quickly.

“Why not?”

“He said he wanted some time…” I trailed off, knowing how weak that sounded.

Greg snorted. I shot him a look.

“I’m sorry Ella, but that’s pathetic. I mean I hate to say it, but Jarren was a little right. How can you claim to love someone and then just let them walk away?”
I’ll admit that hurt. I hated the fact that someone could agree with all the mean and hurtful things that Jarren said to me.

“I just…” I started, not knowing how to finish. I picked at my pizza instead.

“You just what?” Greg prompted after a minute.

“I’m scared, OK? Like, right now I don’t have him at all, and that sucks. But he said if I gave him time, eventually he’d come back and we could go back to being friends. That still sucks, I don’t want to be JUST friends, but I’d rather it be that then not having him in my life at all. I’m just terrified if I push him, he’s going to bolt.”

Greg was quiet for a moment, downing his beer and pouring himself another one. He took it in his hand, spinning it around.

“There’s a quote of my little sister’s myspace page,” He started. I rolled my eyes. “I know, it sounds lame, but hear me out, OK?”

I didn’t say anything, and so he continued.

“It says ‘having the love of your life break up with you and tell you that you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom say you can still keep it.’ The quote stuck with me, because one, it’s kinda funny, and two, it’s totally correct. It’s not the same. It’s never going to be the same.” He shrugged. “I just don’t see why you’re willing to take that risk. You’re looking at the glass half empty, maybe you’ll talk to him and he’ll leave forever. But there are so many different ways to look at it, so many different outcomes. Maybe you’ll talk to him and work it out so you get back together. Maybe you’ll talk to him and not get back together but become friends again, maybe you’ll talk to him and he’ll tell you to go away. It seems like the only outcome from your choice is that he’ll eventually come around and you can be friends again.”

“Maybe he’ll realize how much he misses me and come back for good?” I asked, hopeful.

“Yeah, because it’s been a month and that hasn’t happened yet. What’s more likely is that he’s going to think you don’t care at all, and isn’t going to bother coming back at all.” Greg said.

I sighed, and popped a greasy pepperoni in my mouth.

“So what are you going to do?” Greg prodded.

“I don’t know!” I snapped. “Why are you pushing me?”

“Because it’s becoming more and more clear to me that if someone doesn’t push you, you’re not going to do anything.”

“Why do you care?” I was annoyed and pouting.

“Because I think it matters.”

“Why?” I pushed.

“I don’t know. I care about you. I don’t know why, but I do. And I think if you don’t do this, you’ll regret it. I’d hate to see that happen.”

Hearing the regret word made me think of Jason. The whole reason I made the leap to Drew in the first place was I didn’t want to repeat what went wrong with Jason. I never laid it all out on the line, I never tried, I never fought, and look how that all ended. I was so tired though, of everything revolving around Jason.

“What do you think about what she said about Jason? Do you think I should talk to him too?” I asked, curious and surprised that I was talking to Greg about all these things.

“I mean…” Greg shrugged. “I think maybe you’re going to need some closure. I think Drew might feel better to know that you sorted through it all. I don’t know though, it’s tricky. I mean how is Drew going to feel if he finds out you called Jason before him? I don’t know. I think maybe you need to make contact with Drew first. Maybe a letter, or an email? Be honest, tell him you’re sorry, and if you’re going to talk to Jason, tell him about that too.”

“Yeah.” I answered. “Ready to get your butt kicked again?”

“You’re on. Loser buys dessert.” Greg challenged.

I was home shortly after the new year, alone. I had lost the last game, but Greg had opted out of dessert, instead deciding to head over to Jarren’s. He had been texting her all throughout the night, and I couldn’t quite read whether he was going over there to make up, or break up. I didn’t feel it was my place to ask either, so I left it alone.

The talk with Greg had given me a lot to think about. So much that my brain actually hurt – not a headache, but a brain ache. I looked at the treadmill, longing to hop on and run until my mind went blank again. However, I didn’t allow myself to do that, instead I sat down at the computer and made myself write to Drew. It took me a long time, I kept trying to find the perfect thing to say to him. In the end, I wrote something far from perfect.

Drewbie-
I don’t know if you want to hear from me right now. I’ve tried really hard to respect your wishes and stay away, but it’s hard. Part of it is just that I miss you so badly, the other part is that I don’t want you to think that you and our relationship isn’t worth fighting for. I just want to give you what you want, and you said you wanted space, so… I was trying to give you that.
The thing with Jason… Well. It was a mistake. I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I also thought it didn’t matter. When I said Jason was in my past, I meant it.
However, and this may seem like a contradiction, I do plan on talking to Jason. I really want to close all of this, and I hope I can start something new with you. If not… Well. I can’t say that I’ll like it. The fact of the matter is, Drew, I love you in a way I never and could never love Jason. And if I lose that… Well. It’ll be like I lost my heart.
I know I haven’t said it yet, but I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so late

It's been an ugh morning.

I realized when I woke up this morning that I didn't finish the post from the night before. I got home from the gym last night and completely forgot about it. The gym wore me out and I have no idea why. So, I was hoping to bang it out before my sister came over for me to take her to work...

Well, I got distracted when she walked in and told me she thinks she has MRSA again.

For those of you who don't know, MRSA is a drug resistant Staph infection. It can be VERY dangerous. It usually strikes in people with already weak immune systems, like the elderly, but it also really hits hard in people that use drugs.

For a long time my sister was using drugs pretty heavily, more specifically, she was using Meth (which, for several reasons, meth users tend to get MRSA a lot. For one, their immune system gets run down from the drugs, they also don't tend to sleep for days, causing more harm to their immune system... Then they also have this habit of picking at their skin. From what I've read, sometimes they feel like somethings crawling under their skin and they try to pick it out, or other times, they start picking at a zit or something, but because a lot of times they lose concept of time, they'll pick for hours, causing sores where the staph can enter the body.)

Well, she ended up getting MRSA, and needed to be hospitalized so she could have IV treatments, and even needed surgery to lance a few of the area's (I don't know what to call them. Basically she gets things that look like zits, but get HUGE and quickly, I guess little pockets of Staph or MRSA? I don't know. They basically have to lance/cut them and drain them to get all the crap out. You can't pop it like a zit because a.) that'll cause the staph to spread and b.) you just can't go deep enough.) Anyway, it was horrible, and she easily could have died, but she was OK.

Then she started using again. And the MRSA came back. This one was handled a lot better, there was no overnight hospital stay, but we also knew what to expect and didn't wait so long to take her to the hospital (the first time it happened, she didn't know what was going on. Thinking they were just really big zits or boils, she waited to be seen.)

I guess in the shower this morning she felt something - a bump. When she asked her fiance what it was, he said he saw it yesterday and thought it was a zit, but it had gotten a LOT bigger. She thinks it might be MRSA. We're all hoping it IS just a zit, but if it gets any bigger, we'll have to take her back to the hospital. I'm thinking it might NOT be MRSA, just because EVERY time she's gotten it, she's been using, and I really doubt that she is now. Her fiance is a recovering alcoholic (been sober for years, still goes to the meetings, and still doesn't even like to be around being who are drinking, so I just highly doubt he's letting her use in his house.) She hasn't been around the people she usually is when she uses, and there have been no other signs of her using. So. I dunno. Basically, if it gets any bigger while she's at work today, we're taking her to the hospital. If that happens, I'm not sure what tomorrow's going to look like. Just a heads up.

Please don't tell them I've gone crazy...

I woke early the next day. I wasn’t sleeping well, taking forever to fall asleep, waking early and unable to fall asleep. I had wanted to go running, but the foot of fresh snow on the ground told me that wasn’t going to happen. So I wrestled my dusty un-used treadmill out into the middle of the living room, and much to Cumulus’ delight, started running.

I was out of practice, and had to turn down the level a couple until I found my stride. I loved the blankness that came over my mind as I was running. I couldn’t think of anything other than the length of my stride, and the pace of my breathing. I had positioned the treadmill in front of the window, and the clean, white blanket of snow covering the front yard also helped to clear my mind. Throughout the next few days and nights, whenever my thoughts got to be too much, I went into the living room, hopped on the treadmill, and blanked out.

Christmas snuck up on me. Luckily, I had gotten all my shopping done and out of the way, because I literally didn’t realize it was Christmas Eve until my Mom called and asked me what time I was coming over.

I spent every Christmas Eve at my parents house. Usually I looked forward to it. This year, not so much. I tried to get out of it, saying I didn’t want to leave Cumulus overnight, but my Mom told me to bring him, and when I hesitated, I heard the hurt in her voice as she told me that I didn’t have to come, if I didn’t want too.

I went.

“Where’s Drew?” My Mom asked, after she hugged me.

“Well Mom… We’re not really together anymore.” I said, nervously looking around.

“Oh.” She answered, surprised. “Well then…” She trailed off.

“Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about it.” I answered.

She nodded. “Maybe though, you should give Jason a call?”

I raised an eyebrow.

“What?” She asked. “I just thought maybe you’d want to talk about it with him.

I just shook my head, and she left me alone.

Spending Christmas with my family was actually nice, and I laughed for the first time since Drew left. Still, every happy moment had a touch of sadness for me. It didn’t help that I came home to an empty, silent house, and Drew’s presents still wrapped, untouched, under the tree. I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t want to take them back, but I didn’t know why I was keeping them either.

I was in a funk. I knew it. I knew it would only be made worse if I spent New Years alone. Matt had again, invited me down to spend New Year’s with him, but again, I deemed it too risky to go. Get a few drinks in me, and I knew there was no way to refrain from the chemistry I felt when I was around Matt. My parents also had a party, but I felt like such a loser, slinking off to hang out with a bunch of older people who’s idea of a good time was to get tipsy, listen told old school music, and inevitably someone throws out their back when they decide it’s a good idea to play twister.

I was prepared to spend the night ringing in the New Year by myself, when my phone rang. I was surprised to see Jarren’s name pop up on the caller ID. I had thought she was angry at me.

“Hello?” I asked, tentatively.

“Hey Ella!” She exclaimed. “What are you doing tonight?”

Did I want to hang out with Jarren? Not really. I knew there was always drama surrounding her, and again, things had been a little… Strained the last time we saw each other. But I also didn’t want to spend New Years alone.

“Nothing. Why, what’s up?”

I arrived early to help Jarren set up for her party. I was surprised to find that she had moved out of her Dad’s house and into her own apartment. She also had a steady, full time job, and she said, a new boyfriend. Maybe Jarren was growing up. I was excited at this prospect, hoping that maybe we could patch up our friendship.
I was helping her plate snacks and set up the bar when there was a knock at the door.

“That’s him!” She squealed. “Now, Ella, promise you won’t be mad?” She asked.

Mad? Why would I be mad? I was confused, so I nodded my head slowly, and went to the door to meet the new man.

I was shocked when she opened the door and saw Greg standing there. I didn’t know what to say, so I turned around and strode back to Jarren’s bedroom, where I had laid my coat.

“You didn’t tell her, did you?” I heard Greg ask.

“I didn’t think there was a reason too. You two didn’t even technically date.”

That angered me. I wasn’t even really mad that Jarren was dating Greg. It irked me a little, and I’ll admit, I was a tad jealous, but I was most angry because I felt… Lied too. I mean, Jarren should have told me Greg was coming, should have told me they had been seeing each other. I know we hadn’t talked recently, but she should have at least given me a heads up when she invited me to the party, so that I could have made the decision whether or not I wanted to subject myself to Greg.

That’s when it hit me: Jarren didn’t want me not to come. She knew if she told me, I would have opted out. Jarren, for the first time ever, had a boyfriend, and I didn’t, and better yet, it was a guy I used to be with. I got the feeling she WANTED to flaunt this in my face. By the time I walked out of her bedroom, I was fuming.

“Ella…” Greg started as I walked out. “Don’t be mad…”

“She should have told me.” I shouted over my shoulder, heading for the front door.

“Just let her go Greg.” Jarren said, sitting down on a chair. “She’s being an immature brat.”

That stopped me in my tracks. “I’m the one being immature?” I asked, slowly turning around.

“You’re the one throwing a huge temper tantrum and storming off over something that’s not a big deal. You two barely even dated.”

“If it wasn’t a big deal, Jarren, then why didn’t you tell me in the first place? Because YOU’RE the one who’s immature. You were either scared of my reaction, or you wanted to rub it in my face. How mature is that? You’re STILL the same fucking selfish person you’ve always been.”

“I’m the selfish one?” Jarren said, jumping up and mirroring my own reaction to her immature comment.

“You’ve ALWAYS been selfish. It’s ALWAYS been take, take, take with you. I thought maybe things had changed, you seem to be finally making strides in the right direction, moving out of Daddy’s house and finally working and taking care of your own shit. I guess I was wrong, you’re still pulling the same crap you always did. It’s always about your wants, your needs, and you don’t give a damn if that makes anyone else uncomfortable.” I shouted back.

“You’re the one who ruined an entire marriage because of what YOU wanted. And now, when Jason FINALLY wants you, you want NOTHING to do with him. Not only that, you RUINED Drew, because you were too scared to own up to your mistake, you were too immature to admit the truth. And you haven’t even tried to talk to him, you haven’t even apologized. Why? It makes no sense. ‘Oh poor me, I love him SO much and he just won’t love me.’ You want people to pity you, you want people to feel sorry for you, but the fact of the matter is, you’re right. Nobody does love you, and no one will EVER love you, because you’re just a cold hearted selfish immature BITCH.”

“That’s ENOUGH.” Greg shouted, stepping between the two of us. I have to admit, that was a brave move, because I was ready to lunge at Jarren.

I was expecting him to make some grand speech about how we were both wrong, and both being immature, but to my surprise, he turned towards Jarren, sticking a finger in her face.

“This is on you, Jarren. I told you when you asked me out that I felt uncomfortable dating a friend of someone I had previously dated. I told you I didn’t want to cause any bad blood. You told me it would be OK, you would talk to Ella and make sure it was fine. You lied to me, and that REALLY bothers me. Furthermore, you crossed a HUGE line in what you said to Ella. You both said some mean things, but you went lower than lower and brought up past mistakes which really have nothing to do with the argument at hand. I’m sure Ella could bring up plenty of things about your past that you’re not proud of. You just don’t DO that, the past is in the past for a reason. Now, I’m leaving. Ella’s leaving. You can host your party by yourself, and you and I can talk later.”

Jarren had nothing to say. She looked both shocked and pissed, but just stood there with her arms across her chest.

“C’mon Ella, I’ll walk you to your car.” Greg said, putting a hand on my back and guiding me out the door.

When we reached the car, he turned to me, running a hand through his hair.
“Look, I’m sorry about that. I really thought she had told you and you were OK with it. I thought since you were with Drew, you wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s OK.” I answered, opening my door. “Jarren’s really good at manipulating people and figuring out how to get what she wants. She’s been doing it to me for years.”

I heard Greg’s cell phone buzzing, and I knew it was Jarren. I knew her MO, first she would call and yell at him, saying she didn’t care, it was over… And then she’d call back again, crying and apologizing, and begging to fix things. It would alternate between the two all night.

“Look, New year’s is kind of ruined, but do you want to go somewhere, and maybe hang out for a bit? Just as friends, I promise.”

I thought about it a minute, not sure if I wanted to be alone with Greg. But, if we went somewhere public, it wouldn’t be too bad, and I didn’t really want to spend New Years by myself.

“Sure.” I answered. “Follow me, I think I know just the place.”

Whatever Wednesday: My Jason

So, as you guys know, some of the people in the blog, and some of the things that happen in it, are based on real life events. Some things are completely made up as well, just for drama purposes... Some things happened to me, some things happened to people I knew... It's really a hodge podge of things.

For those of you who don't read the comments (or don't go back to re-read once you've posted a comment) a couple days ago, I asked a question... I got a little upset because I felt like people were being a little judgmental of Ella (I know, I know, I'm protective over someone who isn't even real. Sad, huh?) People wondered why Ella was dumb enough to go back to Jason over and over again, and I asked if anyone else had had a Jason. I thought Jason relationships were pretty common - that guy you KNOW isn't worth it, your friends keep telling you he isn't, your family can't stand him, but still you keep coming back. I know often we can be more clear-headed, and therefore more judgmental when we're on the outside looking in. It's a far different story when you're involved. (Which, is why I threw out there that Toni had been cheated on by Nick. For the most part, I do agree that once a cheater, always a cheater, but I really do believe that there's always an exception to every rule.)

Anyway, some of you responded that you did have a Jason. Some of you said you didn't, and never would (I caution you, never say never, lol.) But, I think most people have had a Jason. Whether it's in a relationship, or a friendship... I think most of us (please note: I didn't say all) have had that one person that for some reason, we do let get away with murder.

Jason is loosely based on two people in my life. One was really named Jason. He's the more sturdier side of Jason, the guy that does sweet things, the guy who listens and offers advice... The real life Jason broke my heart because he was a good guy who loved me very much... He just didn't love me in the way I loved him.

The more asshole side of Jason is based on the first guy I ever really loved... A guy named Aaron.

I met Aaron when I was 15. He told me he was 18. I later found out he was 22 years old. It sounds REALLY skeevy now, but at 15... Well. As Taylor Swift says "At 15 when someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." The thing about your first love is... You WANT to fall in love. You see these romance movies and all the happy endings, and you WANT that to happen. You don't realize how complicated love is (it really is EVERY single emotion rolled up into one. The good, AND the bad.) You don't know just how badly being in love can hurt you. I wanted to be in love so badly, I pretty much sacrificed everything to BE in love.

Aaron was cute. On the short side, he was the same height as I was (I'm kinda tall for a girl. Not above average, but on the bigger side of average, 5'8) He had curly black hair (I used to have such a thing for guys with curly hair) and these green eyes... I also had a thing for green eyes... He had dimples and usually sported a five o'clock shadow. When we kissed our teeth clinked together. He had a small patch of chest hair and a small gut that was adorable. He looked more like a man than a boy. I loved him. He loved to use me. He never committed to whether we were officially together, often alluded to sleeping with other girls. He lived in a suburb about 20 minutes away from mine. He would tell me he was coming to pick me up (usually on a school night, meaning I would be out late) I would "sneak out" (My mom's an alcoholic. Sneaking out meant walking out the back door) sit on the front lawn, and wait for him to show (this was before the age of cell phones. He couldn't call to let me know he was there) Sometimes he'd be there when he said he would be. Sometimes I'd wait an hour before he'd finally show. Sometimes I'd sit out there, waiting... Counting headlights, telling myself the next time a car drove down the street and it wasn't him, I'd go inside. I'd wait a long while... Too long. He wouldn't show. When he did show up... Well. There was no telling which Aaron I'd get. Sometimes he'd be drunk, or drinking (yes, and driving. I know, I was stupid to get into a car with him. I was stupid to do a lot of things that I did. I was 15. I just didn't think.) Sometimes we'd just go around, driving. Stopping in a secluded spot to make out. Sometimes we'd go back to his house, where we'd have sex. He always kept me out too late. Once, I got to his house and he had a phone call. He had to run an errand... He'd be back soon and wanted me to wait at his house. I said no, demanded to go with him, thinking... I don't know. That it'd be better.

I remember that night very clearly. I was a Sophomore. We had our annual homeroom Olympics the next day, where grades competed against each other in silly stupid games. We all made shirts. I hadn't wanted to go out with him, my shirt still wasn't finished. But I went, knowing that if I didn't see him now, it might be weeks before he saw me again. I made him promise to bring me back early, so I could finish my shirt. Aaron regularly kept me out too late on school nights, leaving me exhausted the next day, or skipping school all together.

Aaron drove to a bar, where he let me sit in his car for three hours. When he finally came out, he was drunk. He drove me home in silence, playing chicken with cars and damn near killing the both of us. When we pulled up to my house, he looked at me. I expected an apology. Something nice. I was fuming.

"Wanna climb in the back seat and do it?" Was what he said, laughing.

It was the only time I ever let Aaron see my cry.

I wish I could say that it ended there. It didn't.

I know it sounds horrible. It was. But Aaron, like Jason, had his moments. Things that just kept me coming back for more. There was a night where he took me around the housing complex where he did some landscaping. He held my hand and he showed me the huge, gorgeous houses. He opened up, told me things I don't think he's ever discussed with anyone. He was sober. He was sweet. I kept coming back for moments like that.

I wish I could also say that eventually I realized that a few sweet moments with Aaron didn't make up for all the hell he put me through, or the danger he put me in. When I was 17 Aaron had disappeared for awhile. Turns out he had moved. He called me one night, asking me to get together. I told him sure, but things would have to change. He agreed. He was supposed to call me back the next night. I don't know if he did or not. See, we had our own moved scheduled, and because of that, my Mom had the phones shut off. A few days later, we moved. I never saw Aaron again.

I still think about him. There was a period of time I was really depressed over the whole thing. What kind of person leaves a 15 year old waiting for them in their car? Most people won't even do that to their dogs. Did he think about me at all when he didn't show? A hopeful little girl, with her heart on her sleeve, waiting out on the slope of a hill, counting headlights, hoping that tonight he would show... Tonight he wouldn't waste her time? What happened to him on the nights he didn't show? Did he pass out from drinking too much? Did he find something, or rather someone better to do?

A part of me still misses him. I love my husband to pieces, and I love my son even more than that. There's no doubt in my mind that my husband is the one I'm supposed to be with, and I live the life I was supposed to live. But still... Your first love, jerk or not, will always hold a piece of your heart. I wonder if he's dead. In jail. Or if maybe he got his shit together. I look for him occasionally on facebook and myspace. I don't know what I'd do if I found him. I don't know if I'd even recognize him. I've never found him though. It doesn't help that his name is EXTREMELY common, and I also have no idea where he may be at this point. He was never into the whole computer thing anyway, so who knows if he ever got on the facebook train? I don't.

The thing about love is... I really don't believe you choose who to fall in love with. Like I said, the first time you fall... It just happens. Maybe even you will it to happen a little bit, just because you think it'll be so great. After you get burned though, you realize how much love can hurt. The second time, you're much more cautious. You fight it, try not to let it happen. Eventually you realize that it happens anyway.

I also wish I could say that after Aaron, I learned my lesson. No more boys that treat me like crap. I didn't. For a long time I still put up with a bunch of bull just to be with someone. When I met my husband, I told him I didn't want a relationship. Random hook ups were just fine with me. I wanted to be single for awhile. I wanted to wait for a guy who had everything I wanted, I didn't want to settle anymore, I wasn't going too.

Though, after that first date with my husband... I knew. I knew he was it for me. I knew that he had everything I wanted. And I got terrified that I had ruined it by telling him I only wanted a friends with benefits type of thing. I quickly found though, that he felt the same way.

I just can't blame Ella, for going back to Jason. In the old days, he was good. Now he may be a huge jerk, but he does have his moments where he shows her the old days Jason, and I think everyone at some point wishes to go back to the old days...

Am I making sense?

Well. That's my Jason. I also have another prayer request... I found out a family friend of ours... A girl I went to high school with, was diagnosed with cancer (non-hodgkins lymphoma). She's a few years younger than I am, and really just one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. She's gorgeous on the outside, and just as equally gorgeous on the inside. Really, just one of the nicest people I've ever met. I really do believe in the power of prayer/good thoughts. It doesn't have to be a religious thing, but I just think that a bunch of people sending out positive energy out for you has got to help. So PLEASE do so.

Another note about my son's surgery (and thanks for all the well wishes!) He does have two hernia's. One is his umbilical hernia which we've known about since birth. The surgeon said if that was the only one, he'd tell us to go away for a few years and then come back because 80% of those fix themselves. I guess they're the only hernia to close on their own. However, at some point he developed an epigastric hernia, and it's not going to close on it's own. They don't seem worried or anything... The surgeon did say that like with any procedure there are risks, but theres actually more of a chance of us dying in a car crash on the way to the hospital then there is of anything going wrong during surgery. I still don't want it done (what Mother is going to be happy about their child getting cut open? Even if it fixes a problem, I still wish the problem was never there in the first place, ya know?) but I know that his hospital is really good, and I like the surgeon, so now all I want is to just get it over with.

He goes back in a month (Feb. 19th) to have it done (as long as he doesn't get sick before hand). That's a Friday. We don't know what time yet, I guess the OR schedules the appointments, so we won't know the time until the day before. I will most likely post that Friday, but the week after is just going to be iffy. It's an outpatient procedure, he should come and go in the same day, and they made it sound like he'd be a little sore but not too bad... But they always say that. So, I have no idea what he's going to be like, how clingy he may be or anything like that, so obviously he's more important.

And last but not least... There's been some discussion on the flashback post... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I obviously DO want to wrap up what happens with Jacob, I just don't know how to do it, and I don't want to keep canceling entries because of it. So... I just don't know. If I do cancel them right now without wrapping things up, it's going to be a temporary thing, just until I can figure it out. Then I'll wrap it up and cancel them for good.

No post tomorrow

Sorry guys, I think I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow's post... I'm having a little bit of writers block when it comes to the flashback posts... To a point where I think I may cancel them altogether... I'm not sure. I thought I was going to have time to work on it today, but my plans got a little off track when my Mom called this morning and said she had lost her car keys and needed me to bring the spare set that my sister keeps... So basically, I'm behind, and if I don't get to the laundry and the dishes... Well. We'll have nothing to wear and nothing to eat off of.

And tomorrow's a busy day anyway - my son has his surgery appointment in the AM, and then I also scheduled a hair cut for him (which, seeing how early we need to get up to make the surgery appointment, may have been a mistake to schedule the hair cut. Whoops.)

Anyway, so if there is a post, it most likely won't be till later in the day. Now I need to jet, put my son down for his nap before he explodes and then get on the cleaning.

I'm the fool in love with the fool who's still in love with you

I stood outside for a long while. How long, I don’t know. I didn’t feel the cold, or the wind, and I didn’t feel time passing by. Eventually, Matt opened the door. He stopped short when he saw me.

“Ella?” He asked, confused. “What are you doing out here?”

I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t even if I wanted too, I couldn’t even turn to look at him. It’s like my body realized I was no good at controlling it’s actions and decided to take that privilege away from me.

“Where’s Drew?” Matt called, coming down the stairs. When I didn’t answer, he placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Jeez, El, you’re freezing!” He exclaimed, shrugging off his sweatshirt and tucking it around me.

“I’m fine.” I answered, shrugging off Matt’s jacket, and handing it back to him. Part of me was feeling so horrible – I didn’t deserve to be warm. The other part of me knew that my shirt still smelled like Drew, and I didn’t want Matt’s cologne to erase that.

“At least come inside.” Matt said, looking confused.

I nodded, and followed in behind him.

“What’s wrong?” Matt asked once we were back inside, a look of concern etched into his face.

“I’m fine.” I repeated again. I wasn’t sure if I was saying that in response to Matt’s question, or if I was trying to convince myself. I didn’t feel fine.

I shuffled to my room without another word, the door clicking behind me. I heard Cumulus whine and scratch at it. Usually he slept with me, but I just wanted to be alone tonight.

I laid face down on my bed, and sobbed into it, letting the pillows and blankets muffle any sort of sound. I cried until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, feeling like death warmed over, wanting desperately to call off, but not wanting to be by myself all day. I didn’t bother showering, just pulled my greasy hair back into a pony-tail, slapping on track pants and a baggy sweatshirt, and topping the mess with a baseball hat. My eyes were puffy and swollen, and I knew there was nothing I could do about that.

“Whoa.” Matt answered when I stepped into the kitchen. I shot him a look.

“I mean… Are you OK? You don’t look…” He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding mean.

“I’m fine.” I mumbled again.

“But your eyes…” He said, reaching up to gingerly touch one.

“Allergies.” I lied again, shrugging away. I knew that didn’t sound likely. It was the middle of December, there was really nothing to cause allergies. Without waiting for Matt to answer, I ducked out of the house.

I took refuge in my office, glad to be alone, but still able to hear people talking and phones ringing, and knowing I wasn’t totally alone. I was even more thankful for the fact that the kids were out for winter break, and I wouldn’t have to deal with them, or their questions.

I worked half assed, desperate for a distraction, but unable to fully focus on anything. I jumped from one task to another, never really completing anything, never making any real progress.

It continued like this the rest of the week. I showered, by my appearance didn’t really improve beyond that. I made myself eat at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I never really tasted the food, nor was I really hungry. Finally, the Friday before the agency closed on it’s on Christmas break, I walked into the front office to say my goodbyes to the staff. It was there where I was ambushed.

Matt was sitting at the desk, answering calls. My boss and Mama Rivers were at the table, having a meeting. Mama Rivers got up to leave, wishing me a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday on the way out.

“Well. I’m headed home.” I said, waving slightly.

“Wait.” My boss called. “What’s going on with you lately?”

Matt looked up to hear my answer. I hadn’t been talking to him much either.

I wanted to lie. Meant too even. But it just caught my so off guard that I couldn’t think of anything.

“My boyfriend broke up with me.” I answered. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud, and hearing the words ring in my ears… A fresh wave of hurt washed over me.
I glanced at Matt, and wasn’t able to read his face.

“Oh geez. You didn’t beg when he did it, did you?” My boss replied, picking up his newspaper. “I hate girls that beg.”

“No. I didn’t beg.” I said, turning to leave.

It hit me when I got to the car: I wish I would have begged. Oh, why didn’t I beg?

I thought about avoiding Matt when he got home. I knew he’d have a lot of questions, and I didn’t want to answer them. I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to deal with it. I knew all I would have to do was hole up in my room. He was leaving tomorrow to go home, spend Christmas and the Holidays with his family. The rest of the interns were leaving for good, he had some extended vacation time so he could pack his stuff and move pack, to start his permanent job with the agency. I had been looking forward to his absence, to having Drew over and having the house to ourselves. I had so many plans, and now they were all gone. I wondered where Drew would spend the Holidays. Usually he came down to be with my family, since his was such a wreck. It made me sad to think of him, alone, with no place to go. I wanted to call him, to invite him, but he had asked for time, and part of me felt like I should give that to him.

Now I was nervous about Matt leaving. While I wanted to be by myself, I also didn’t want to be totally alone. It was like at work, I would be holed up in my office, but still know that people were just outside my closed door. It was the same at home. I stayed in my room, but I knew Matt was just a few steps away. Being totally alone with myself scared me.

Still, part of me knew this is what I needed. I needed to mope and deal with it. I was sad over Drew, and I had every right to be. But I couldn’t be sad forever. I had to either formulate a plan to get him back, or move on with things. And honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

Well, that’s a lie. I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to win him back. I just didn’t know what HE really wanted. I didn’t want to push him, to hurt him more, to hurt our friendship more. I thought a life without Jason was horrible. Drew was that guy I just always took for granted. It really was true, you never knew what you had till it was gone.

I meant to hide out in my room, but all the thinking led me to blanking out, and I was still sitting on the couch when Matt walked in. I stood, to leave the living room and head for my room, but he blocked my path.

“You didn’t tell me you and Drew broke up.” He sounded angry, and I just couldn’t take any more people being mad at me.

I collapsed on the couch and started to cry.

“Oh Ella.” He sighed, coming to sit next to me. He pulled me into his arms. “What happened?”

“He found out I slept with Jason.” I wailed.

“How?” He asked, rubbing slow, smooth circles on my back.

“Kayla showed up at the house. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him. He was so angry… And worse, so hurt. He thought I was trying to hide it from him.” I sniffed. “I really didn’t mean too. I was just so embarrassed about it, and he had said he didn’t want to hear anymore about me and Jason. I just… I wreck everything.” I said, wailing again.

“Shhh…” He whispered. “You don’t wreck everything. It was just… A mistake. Everyone makes them. Have you tried to talk to him at all?”

“He told me he needed time. I don’t know if I should give it to him or not. I have no clue what to do.”

I cried in his arms a little longer, soaking the front of his hooded sweatshirt.
“Do you want me to stay here? I mean you probably shouldn’t be alone.” Matt asked.
It took me a second to realize he meant not go home for Christmas.

“No, Matt.” I answered. “I appreciate it, I really do. But you haven’t seen your family in awhile, and you need to pack.”

“Do you want to go with me?”

“Home with you?” I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to go. I really did. His family sounded fantastic, and I’d love to meet them, and I didn’t really want to face my Mother and let her know that I had messed up with Drew too. But, I knew she’d flip her lid if I didn’t make it home for Christmas.

I shook my head no. “I really would like to meet your family sometime, but my Mom will have a fit if I’m not at home. And, I really think I need some time alone. To wallow, and to get over it.”

Matt nodded. “I understand.”

I looked up at him and gave him a blurry, tear streaked smile. “Thanks Matt.”
He used his thumb to wipe away a lone tear. “You know, your eyes turn green when you cry. It’s really beautiful, in a really sad way.” His finger lingered, and again, I felt sparks flash through me.

I could have easily kissed him. I wanted too, and I think maybe he wanted to kiss me too. I know that sounds horrible, here I am claiming to be so sad over Drew and wanting to kiss another guy… But, it was more like, I was hurting so badly that I didn’t want to think about Drew. Kissing Matt would be a distraction, and I so desperately wanted a distraction.

However, I realized that’s how I got into the mess I did with Jason, which ruined the relationship I had with Drew. I was willing to make mistakes, but only if I could learn from them, and as good as kissing Matt might have felt, I knew it would come with some pretty serious consequences. If I did get Drew back, I didn’t want to have to admit to sleeping or fooling around with Matt as well. And if I didn’t get Drew back, I didn’t want to also wreck my friendship with Matt over a stupid kiss just because I needed a distraction.

I leaned up and kissed Matt on the cheek.

“I’m going to go cook dinner. It’s been awhile since I had a real meal.” I said, pulling myself away from him and his arms.

“I better go pack.” Matt said, blushing slightly. I wondered what he was thinking about. “I think I’m going to head out tonight. I hear we’re supposed to get snow in the early AM and I’d like to avoid it.”

I nodded, again, sad to see him go, but a little glad the temptation was leaving.
“Be safe, and Merry Christmas.” I said, heading to the kitchen.

“You too.” He answered.

Just a little note

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FB: And I'm not sorry that it's over But for the way we let it end

Jacob stood there, his nostrils flared, anger written all over his face.

“You’re doing what she did,” he seethed. “You’re asking me to choose and that isn’t fair.”

“First of all, Jacob, she isn’t here anymore. I can’t ask you to choose, she isn’t here. Second of all? Quit it with this ‘it’s not fair’ shit. Life isn’t fair. You’re right, it’s not fair Michelle killed herself. But it’s also not fair that I’ve been dealing with this since we officially got together. It’s not fair that I have to deal with it, especially considering I didn’t MAKE her kill herself. It’s also not fair that I’m still hearing about how she made you choose, because SHE did that, not me. It’s not fair that YOU’RE the one who cheated on ME, and yet you’re standing here trying to tell me that I have no right to be angry, it’s not your fault, because something bad happened to you. Get over it Jacob. Life just isn’t fair.” I turned to leave the room.

“Where are you going?” He yelled.

“I’m going to call Jason. He’s going to pick me up and take me back to the airport, where I will do my best to find a flight home tonight. You aren’t even willing to listen, let alone try, and I’ve wasted too much time already.” I said, reaching for my phone.

“Oh. Yeah. Classic Ella. Freaking classing.” His laugh was both sarcastic, bitter, and a little evil.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, searching through my contacts for Jason’s number.

“You always run to him! Always! And here you go again, running back to him, letting him save the day.” He ran his hands through his hair, matting the gel that was in it. “You got so angry when I did that with Michelle, and here you are, doing it to me.”

“It’s not like that, and you know it Jacob. I didn’t hang all over Jason, and I certainly didn’t use him as an excuse to cheat on you.”

“You’re using him as an excuse right now, a place to run instead of facing our issues.”

“I’m not the one who doesn’t want to face our issues, Jacob. YOU are. Jesus!” I yelled, throwing my phone on the chair where it bounced off and slid across the floor. “Stop making this about ME and just own up to your own mistakes!”

“Then why are you threatening to leave?” He asked, his voice cracking. “I’ve had enough of people leaving me! You, my Dad, Michelle…”

I watched Jacob fall apart on the chair. I hate to admit this, but part of me was a little disgusted. I know it was stereotypical, but I hated to see guys cry. It was OK if they had a reason, or if it was just a few tears rolling down their face… But in this situation? Jacob was a sobbing mess. He was pathetic, and not in a way that made me feel the least bit sorry for him. If anything, it made me resent him more. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for him. I didn’t want to feel sorry for him.

“I’m leaving Jacob. I am. Because you’re making me want to leave. You didn’t make Michelle leave, or your Dad leave, they made those choices, poor choices, which I bet they later came to regret. But I can’t stay, not with you acting like this, because that’s something I’ll later regret.”

“Tell me how to fix it!” He yelled through angry sobs.

“I don’t know, Jacob. I really just don’t know if it can be fixed.”

I surprised myself by saying that. I didn’t really know for sure that it was over until now, until those words spilled out of my mouth. As bad as it sounded, I think it was the crying that did it for me. He seemed so defeated, and in that I really saw that he had already given up, was unwilling to try. He was so lost in his own sadness, and he didn’t seem at all willing to try to break out of it.

“Whatever. Just go then. It’s not like I need you.” He said, laughing that bitter, evil laugh again and wiping his face roughly with his.

I picked up my phone from where it had landed, and went outside. I called Jason, and he picked up immediately, as if he was just sitting by the phone, waiting for my call.

“How’s it going?” He asked.

Now it was my turn to laugh through tears. Just because I was the one who called it over doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sad about it. I felt like Jacob and I had had so much potential, and it all went down the tubes so quickly.

“That good, huh?” He said, his voice dropping low.

“I gotta get out of here. You come get me?”

“Sure. What are your plans?” He asked.

“I’m gonna go home. I have work to do. This was just a big waste of time.”

“Ella…” He trailed off. Then sighed. “Look, I’ll be there in five. We’ll figure this out.”

Jason pulled up a few minutes later. Either he hadn’t gotten far, or he had broken some speed limits. I had braved going back inside long enough to grab my bag, Jacob had been nowhere in sight. He had either gone out the backdoor, or was holed up in the bedroom, I didn’t bother to look.

I was laying out front, on the concrete warmed by the sun, with my head resting on my bag. I was exhausted, a combination of jet lag and stress. He parked the car and stood over me, casting a long shadow over me.

“Tired?” He asked.

“I don’t think tired begins to cover it.” I complained. “I just want to go home.”

“No can do.” He said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“Jason, don’t. I tried with Jacob, I really did. And I really am sad about this. But he’s stuck in a hole of self pity that he dug himself, and he doesn’t want to try to get out of it. I can’t do anything with that, and really, I’m just done trying.” I sighed. “I just need a break. I’m under a lot of stress at work, and now this… I need to go home. Spend whatever’s left of the weekend on me, recharging.”

“My thoughts exactly Ella. You’re already here. It’s going to cost you more money to change in your ticket for one tonight. So, just stay the weekend.”

“I don’t want to stay the weekend with him.” I said, exasperated. Jason just didn’t get it.

He smiled. “I’m not saying with him. I’m saying with me. C’mon.” He said, reaching his hands down to help pull me up. “You can sleep in the car.”

“Where are we going?” I asked, confused.

“You’ll see.” He said, a small smile playing on his lips.

I wanted to go home, but I was honestly just so tired, and sick of fighting as well, that I climbed into the car. I was curious as well. Jason was pretty good at surprising me, and I always wondered what he had up his sleeve. I tried to stay awake, to see where we were going, but my eyelids kept getting heavier and heavier, and the moving car didn’t help matters either. With Jason’s warm palm resting in mine, I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke when the car stopped, and I felt much better. Rubbing my eyes, I tried to gauge where we were. We were in front of another large hotel, and it was dark out now. I heard roaring sounds in the distance, and the air was salty and fresh.
“Are we near the ocean?” I asked, confused. Twentynine palms was in the middle of the desert. A lot of people thought I was lucky, jet-setting off to California from Ohio. But really, twentynine palms wasn’t much of a vacation spot. It was hot, dry… Not the California most people pictured.

“Long Beach. You said you needed to relax. I know it’s only for a full day, but… I thought you could use a getaway.”

“How long have I been asleep for?” I asked, stretching.

“About three hours.”
“Jason… You didn’t have to do this… I mean, that’s a lot of driving and…”

“And what? You needed a break.” He said, smiling at me. “The hotel’s my treat, OK?”
“Fine, but only if you let me buy dinner.” I replied, my stomach rumbling. I was starving.

“Deal. Let’s get checked in, freshened up, and then you and I can grab some food.”

I had expected to share a hotel room with Jason. I mean we could have gotten a room with two beds, and even if we didn’t, it’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed together before. It would have saved him money. I don’t know what I was feeling though, as he asked for two rooms. Part of me was disappointed, and another part, impressed that he was showing that much respect and restraint.

I was glad now, that I had opted to bring some nicer looking clothes. I had almost packed junk clothes, expecting to either be laying around in a hotel room feeling sorry for myself, or laying around in a hotel room trying to work out my problems with Jacob. At the last second, I had thrown in some nicer sundresses. Still casual, but better looking than what I had packed, plain old tees and jeans.

I entered my room, after calling to Jason that he could head over in about ten. I knew I didn’t have enough time to shower, but I still rushed, changing into one of the sundresses and applying some makeup. I was just putting the finishing touches on my hair when Jason knocked.

I couldn’t explain the butterflies in my stomach, or how the weekend had gone from such a horrible one to a promising one in a couple of hours, but I liked it.

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy

The weekend took it’s toll on me, and I must have fallen asleep in the car. I woke slightly when I felt Drew reach in the car to scoop me up. I tried to mumble a protest, I could walk, I was just tired, but I liked how safe I felt in his arms. (Author’s Note: A car crash? Really guys? When have I been that predictable? lol) I snuggled closer, breathing in the scent on his neck. It felt good to be happy.

Really good.

It stunned me when he stopped.

“What are you doing here?” He called to someone.

For a second, I wondered if I was dreaming. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and I didn’t know who exactly would be here. I also didn’t know who would randomly show up that Drew would know. I managed to pull my heavy head off Drew’s chest and looked out bleary eyes to see who it might be.

“I came to talk to her.” Kayla answered, her arms crossed against her chest.

“Oh. Shit.” I mumbled to myself, as I almost fell out of Drew’s arms.

Drew set me down, but he protectively wrapped an arm around me. I think he knew what Kayla had to say was going to hurt, and he was trying somehow to shield the blow.

“You want to go inside and talk?” I asked, nervously. I wanted to pretend like I had no idea why she was here, but I did. I could feel it in the air. She knew what had happened between Jason and I, and she was here to confront me about it. I should have said something to Drew, when I had the chance, by myself, on my own. I wondered if there was any way to save face now, to let him know…

The look on Kayla’s face told me, no, she did not want to go inside the house.

“You must be cold… Have you been out here for long?” I tried, weakly.

“Anger keeps you warmer then you’d think, and right now Ella, I’m plenty ticked off.” Was Kayla’s response.

“Drew, why don’t you go wait inside…” I asked, trying to cover my ass one last time.

“Are you two together now? You looked pretty close there.” Kayla asked, eyeing both of us.

We didn’t answer.

“Oooh. You are. Must be nice Ella, to go from wrecking a marriage to a perfect relationship with a guy who’s only been pining for you for over a decade.” She spit out the words, and you could tell she was honestly disgusted with me. I couldn’t blame her. After what I did with Jason… I had been disgusted with me.

“What is she talking about?” Drew asked, looking from me to Kayla and back again. His brow was furrowed, confusion was written all over his face.

I didn’t want to lose this. No, I really didn’t. But more than that, I didn’t want to hurt Drew like that. I didn’t want to break his heart.

“Just go in the house Drew, I’ll explain it when I come inside.” I was begging. I knew I was, desperation was oozing from my voice.

“He doesn’t know?” Kayla asked. Then she laughed bitterly. “Oh Ella, you are a bitch. A cold, selfish bitch. He has no idea what happened. Does Jason even know you’re with him?”

I shook my head.

“Classic. Jason leaves his wife, thinking he made this big mistake and is going to come win you back, and he has no idea that you’re actually screwing around with his best friend.”

“What is she talking about?” Drew asked, looking at me.

“I haven’t spoken with Jason since…” I trailed off.

“Since you fucked him. When he was married to me. That’s what I’m talking about Drew. Your girlfriend slept with my husband.”

“Ella?” Drew asked. “That’s not true, is it?”

“I…” I trailed off. I was searching for some way to put it... To somehow soften the blow... I had nothing. “Yes. It’s true.”

“You don’t even try to deny it? Try to lie? Do you know how many lives you ruined? Do you even care?” Kayla asked, shaking her head. She stood, wiping off the back of her jeans.

“All my friends, they told me it was worthless to come here. A waste of time, a waste of money, a waste of effort… They were right. You aren’t worth it. But it’s not like I had much else to do. I’m all moved back home, I haven’t found a job yet. I don’t want to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore. You aren’t worth that either, and neither is Jason. I knew I had to find you, and I had to make sure you knew this, because I’m worth it.” She paused, her voice shaky, with tears and anger and something else.

“Jason treated us both like crap for years. And for years, we both put up with it. Every time he pushed me away, I told myself, it’s only a matter of time before he came back. And when he asked me to marry him, I thought…” She sighed. “I thought I won. I thought this was it. All the waiting finally paid off. I won. Now I realized, we both lost. We both fell in love with a loser, and we both wasted too much time on him. I just came out of it looking a helluva lot better than you, and that’s no coincidence. I’m a better person then you. I would have NEVER done what you did, I would have NEVER stooped that low because I don’t have too. You and Jason deserve each other. You’re both sad, selfish, pathetic whores.”

With that, she walked away.

I wanted to say something to her. Call to her she was wrong, I wasn’t a whore, I wasn’t selfish, I wasn’t like that at all. I wanted her to know that it was a mistake. A mistake I was sorry for, and to let her know that Jason had hurt me too. But, as I opened my mouth to speak, I realized… I had nothing to say. No comeback, no insult, and no real explanation. I had a bunch of excuses, and they didn’t make much sense. Jason hurt me, so I chose to sleep with him when I knew he was married? I didn’t mean for it to happen, only I never said no, never once thought about Kayla and what it might do to her. I knew that calling out any of these things would have just added insult to Kayla’s injury. I wasn’t a selfish person by nature. But, I had acted very selfishly when it came to Jason. I had only thought about my wants, my needs, my pain when it came to him. I was angry, hearing Kayla say what she had to say, but even more angry when I realized she was right. When it came to Jason, I was sad, I was selfish, I was pathetic. And what I had done with him could definitely been considered whore-y. I had actually gotten off easy, because had I married Jason? And he had screwed around with Kayla on me? I would have been a lot more angry. I would have said a lot worse things.

She was definitely right when she said she was the better person.

I winced as I heard her peel out down the driveway. I sent a silent prayer up to heaven that angry as she might be, she would still get home safe. It sounds like a nice thing to do, but my motivation wasn’t totally selfless. She was so angry, “so angry she couldn’t see straight” my Mom might say. I didn’t need any more bad karma, didn’t need her to get into a car crash on the way home, didn’t need to give her family and friends any more reason to hate me. They had enough reason.

Drew had dropped his arm from around me and taken a few steps back when Kayla was doing her spiel. Now I needed to turn, and face him.

I had to force myself to look at him. I was terrified of his reaction. Again, I know how I would have reacted, if the shoe was on the other foot. His eyes were on me, but I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t know where to start, so I reached for his hand.

He recoiled, as if I was a snake.

“Oh Drew…” I said, starting to cry.

“Is what she said true, Ella?” He asked, his jaw clenched. “Did you sleep with Jason?”

“Yes.” I answered, trying to steel myself from… I don’t know.

“When?” He asked, raking his hands though his hair.

“I don’t know. Awhile ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because… Well. We weren’t talking for one. And I mean, it wasn’t something I was proud of… You said you were tired of hearing about Jason and I…”

“That’s bullshit Ella, you should have told me.” He was pacing now, making me even more nervous.

“Drew I just didn’t…”

“Why?”

“Why what?” I asked, confused.

“Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know. I know it sounds cliché, but it just happened. Then when it was over I realized what a mistake it was.”

“You said you were over him.” Drew’s voice was hoarse, and I felt it like sandpaper down my back.

“I am over him Drew.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“I told you…”

“You should have told me Ella. Not telling me… It seems like you were trying to hide something from me, and that’s what gets me the most. This whole thing is hard on me. I’m worried about losing you as a girlfriend and as a friend, and my biggest fear is Jason, because he’s always there, always hovering above us, always this unspoken word that hangs on the end of every sentence. He’s the elephant in the room and the ghost nobody talks about.” He paused, running a hand over his face and rubbing his eyes.

“I told you,” he said, his hand stand covering his eyes, “that you were the girl I measured everyone against. And that’s true. Everyone fell short compared to you. But Jason is the guy you measure everyone else against. And I just… I don’t know Ella. I don’t know why I can’t measure up. It seems like it would be easy, considering everything Jason’s done and the type of guy Jason is. But I apparently just can’t. And you know what? I’m really sick of trying.” He started to walk away, to his truck.

“Drew you know that isn’t true!” I yelled, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him back to me.

“It IS true Ella. You and I both know it’s true. This was a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake, and I’m not sticking around to watch it blow up in our faces. You’ll eventually go back to Jason, and Ella, I’ll hate you for that. So I need to leave now. Maybe someday, you and I can be friends again, but if I don’t leave now, I’ll wind up hating you, and I just… I can’t.” He shrugged his shoulders, and had such a look of… Defeat on his face. I let go of his arm, and he turned and continued down the drive, waving once before he climbed into his truck.

I knew I should have stopped him. I knew I should have said something, done something. But my heart was broken, and my body felt like it was filled with lead. I couldn’t move, couldn’t blink, couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t until I felt the tears fall down my face that I realized I was even still alive. I felt the cold, but I couldn’t make myself go back inside. I just kept waiting for Drew to turn the car around, to come back, to realize that I was sorry.

“I am sorry.” I whispered into the wind.